Your World Baseball Classic Scouting Report

Did you know that we were just 17 days before China and Japan tee it up for the World Baseball Classic? More importantly, could anyone on this earth give a good God damn?

Anyway, it's coming like the onset of gout, gray hair and new music that you will hate, so let's focus on why each team can't win, just to see if I can get some foreign nations to provide me with cheap traffic heat.

Australia: Their best known pitcher was last seen pouring gasoline on the D-Rays World Series hopes (Grant Balfour). Their next best known guy is Ryan Rowland-Smith, who used to be Ryan Rowland until he got married. There are no current MLBers in the position players. And all Australians are closet cases, given the criminal genetic past. But other than that, they're golden.

Canada: Somehow, I'm not seeing Rich Harden being healthy enough to make his starts. Jeff Francis as the #2 isn't terrible, but after Jesse Crain, there are no known pitchers in the bullpen.

They also currently have eight catchers on the roster, which I'm presuming is part of some communist government works program (seriously, they have more catchers than infielders).

They've got some outfielders (Jason Bay, Mark Teahen, Aaron Guiel), but they're also employing Matt Stairs, who clearly sold his soul for that NLCS homer. And in the final equation of things, they're Canadians, aka the people who are too nice to ever win anything. It's a wonder we were able to keep them from apologizing the Allies to defeat in WWII.

There's also this: they have Stubby Clapp on the roster. How are we sure this entire team isn't just an elaborate hoax?

China: They've got two Yankees, but neither of them have ever been heard of. The country's single child policy means that all of their players are convinced that they are special little snowflakes, so there won't be any team spirit to speak of.

Since the games won't all happen in China, they will also be struck down by the presence of actual oxygen in the stadiums they play at. And since the world's economy is in free-fall, they'll all be too depressed over the bath they are taking on their Western investments. (See? There *are* bright sides to economic collapse!)

Chinese Taipei: There are 10, count 'em, 10 members of the Brother Elephants on this team. How can that possibly be good for team unity, when 2/5ths of the team are worried about secret Elephant Tusk shakes and getting frozen out by the Brotherhood?

But on the plus side, a china-Chinese Taipei bean-ball war could trigger thermonuclear holocaust. You always knew Bud Selig would be responsible for the End of Days, didn't you?

Cuba: With the thaw in US-Cuban relations following the election of Barack Obama, many observers feel that there will be an eventual normalization in the hostilities between the two countries. Which means, of course, that nothing like that will happen, and the players on the Cuban team will blow it for everyone by emigrating en masse. It's a little hard to execute a 4-6-3 double play when the shortstop is making a run for it over the left field wall, and the first baseman is trying to look gringo in the opposing dugout.

Besides, Elian Gonzalez isn't on the team (yet), so there are no magical players to overwhelm all media coverage and allow the rest of the team to win the tournament on the sly.

Dominican Republic: Ah, here's a favorite. With a roster that's entirely made up of MLB talent, the island that has single-handedly populated MLB with talented Ramirezi should be the front-runners, but there's already chinks in the armor with Albert Pujols bailing out, Pedro Martinez turning 60, and Carlos Marmol becoming useless in advance of his flameout year in the Cub bullpen.

Add in the ticking time bomb that is Francisco Liriano's elbow and the overall lack of experienced relievers, and there's more than enough reason to see a DR D Feat. But if they do win, no one shake hands with Moises Alou!

Italy: No, seriously, Italy has a team (and no, there isn't a single MLB-owned player on it). Considering they haven't been good at baseball since before the color barrier was broken, and that their national history in warfare tells me that if they are behind in the fifth inning, they all switch to the other team...

I could go on. But there's too much traffic to this blog from guys in North Jersey who work in, um, "construction"... so I'll just let this one stay where it is right now, before I wind up hung from my toes. (For those of you counting Mussolini's Death references, this now gets the blog up to six. It's something we're all very proud of.)

Japan: Seven MLBers here, all of them reasonably competent, sprinkled amidst a ton of Ham Fighters, Golden Eagles and Yakult Swallows. This blog tries very hard to not go for the cheap humor of The Gay Joke...

But we're not made of stone, people! (Or wood, for that matter.) The team from the Rising Sun goes down in a fit of adolescent giggling and towel-snaps.

Korea: Jung Bong Is Back! The best name in MLB history rolls his own for the LG Lions these days, which means that in the off-season, he's making your appliances. Between him and the immortal BK Kim (current MLB affiliation: Please, Dear God In Heaven, Not My Team), I'm not seeing their pitching as being quite at the championship level.

(Oh, and for heaven's sake, BK's lost his passport. This man needs his own reality show.)

There is also this: there are 10 Lees on this team, and five of them are outfielders. No chance for them not having a crippling batting out of order problem... every single damn inning.

Mexico: Half of this team is on an MLB roster, but when the best of these players is Jorge Cantu, you're not living in fear of their talent level. Can Oliver Perez fail on an international level under pressure, when he's shown himself to be such a rock for the Mets in pressure situations?

Ah, now I've given you all a reason to watch now, have I? Dammit. I know I should have just stayed with the cockfighting and illegal alien jokes.

Netherlands: Who knew the Netherlands played baseball? I did, but only after getting thrown against a wall by the 6'5" Marlins RHP and de facto pro wrestler Rick VandenHurk. If you want to run against the forces of VandenHurkamania, you're on your own.

(Oh, and seriously? Winning baseball can not be played in wooden shoes. This team can go finger a dyke. Hey-oh!)

Panama: Two current MLB pitchers and no infielders means an awful lot of pitching around Carlos Lee, and being from Panama means that no one has paid them any mind since the elder Bush was in the White House.

And since I have nothing else to say about them, let's close with a gratuitous insult to Colorado closer Manual Corpas. I want my corpses automatic, dammit.

Puerto Rico: What gives? You people are part of the United States, dammit. Giving you your own team is like giving Florida it's own team, only less competitive.

True, there's a load of MLB talent here and multiple Molinas, but there's no way that a team with such questionable sovereignty can win so prestigious a title as this. (Ah, sarcasm. Your key to filling a bloghole.)

South Africa: There's no way to get out of this one with my advertisers intact, is there? Nope. Nor is there a way for a team with no front-line MLB talent, not to mention the very worst nation karma in the field -- seriously, China's looking cuddly next to you folks -- to pull off a win in our lifetimes.

But on the plus side, they get to go home and get a close look at Zimbabwe.

USA: These spoiled SOBs? Forget it. Who on this roster is going to so much as break a sweat for their mother country? Every single player on the roster is on an MLB roster, with guaranteed money ahead of them and a team at home that is just waiting for them to get hurt -- which would be the very fast end to this stupid little timewaste.

So expect a level of effort that would shame a front-line NFL player in a July mini-camp, and a shameful national defeat... that will be forgotten about within a week, because any team can win in a short series, and no one in this country could care about this.

Venezuela: Viva Hugo! Here's your winning team, boyos, behind the startling arms of King Felix, Johan and Big Z, and the Miguel Cabrera / Magglio Ordonez offense. Hey, if it was good enough for a 74 win Tiger team in 2008, it's good enough to be the best in the world in a trumped up tournament that no one cares about...

No one, that is, except for the Venezuelans, who will be, how shall we say, motivated by the rather strong leadership of El Hugo. Who needs to win this the most? Why, the friends and families of the national team's players, of course!