Top 10 next occupations for JaMarcus Russell

With the recent acquisition of QB Jason Campbell, it looks like we're about to see the end of the JaMarcus Russell Era in Oakland... and given his remarkably bad statistics and worse intangibles, along with the fact that the man has made enough bank that he really doesn't have to strain himself to play football anymore if he doesn't want to, he probably won't resurface anywhere else, either. But 50 years is a long time to be retired, and when you've got as much to offer the world as JaRuss does, it would be a shame for him to not re-enter the workplace. Here, then, are ten possibilities for the man's future employment.

10) Commemorative doorstop. What Raider Hater wouldn't love to have the former #1 pick serving the home as an inanimate object? I'm also relatively sure that JaRuss would be able to master both plays -- door open and door closed. Just so long as you keep the terminology consistent.

9) Food critic. What, you think you can get to over three hundred pounds while playing professional football without a deep and abiding commitment to stuffing your piehole? JaRuss could provide a unique perspective to the gourmet community, who generally do not eat with garden tools. Earthy!

8) Pitchman. No one has ever really been able to fill the shoes of the late great Billy Mays, but I'm thinking JaRuss has the right stuff. And with the right catch phrase -- might I suggest "It's Like Getting Paid To Eat!" -- he'll be money in the bank. His bank, naturally.

7) Celebrity cadaver. Any number of police procedural shows -- your CSIs, your NCISs, your Gossip Girls -- needs a big old stiff body at the start of the show to add gravity to the crime. Who better to serve that role than JaRuss?

6) TSA officer. Would you feel more secure knowing that JaRuss is keeping the airways safe from terrorists, containers of liquid and Swiss Army Knives? Well, I know I wouldn't. But at least I'd get the momentary amusement of wondering if the lazy lump that's wanding my nethers knows what it's like to beat Josh McDaniels on the road.

5) Road crewman. JaRuss has a lot of experience, especially in the last year, of standing around, wearing protective gear, and watching other people work. That would make him perfectly suited to highway road work, at least in the crews that I always see by the side of the road, staring at something only they can see. I bet JaRuss can do that great!

4) Grave digger. Who has more experience of standing in a hole and thinking about death than JR? Of course, this might not be the best role for him, since it involves actual work.

3) Teamster. As anyone who watched the 2009 Raiders can attest, JaRuss has the ability to stand around, watch other people work, and still seem sullen about it. He's the perfect Teamster!

2) Cable installer. As a professional, JaRuss showed the ability to make people wait for years for a payoff that never came, all the while making them feel like they were trapped into buying what he was selling. If that's not your Cable Guy, I'm amazed.

1) Lab subject. It's a rare gift to just lie back and take what's happening to you, with seemingly no interest in making any change. Let JR's unique disregard for life work to benefit science!