Act like you've been there

Hey, kids! It's time for Shooter's weekly or less foray into the stuff that makes so many of you hate humanity -- politics!

Now, depending on which polls you read and believe -- and oh dear God in heaven, if we want to have a better functioning democracy, the first thing we should do is make this activity off-limits to the media, since the poor dears can't cover anything but the numbers -- the Blue Guy is pulling away from the Red Guy. And if you don't believe me, you can ask Red Guy Karl Rove, who just flipped his projections to Blue over the weekend.

Now, I've been rooting for the Blue Guy for a long time now, so I know how the game is played. When Blue Guy is losing, Blue People question their will to live. Some of us take the Emigration Daydream, wonder if we'd have been better off letting the South secede, console ourselves with the fact that well, this Red Guy can't possibly be worse than this other Red Guy, and just, well, generally Assume The Position.

When Blue Guy is ahead, however, Blue People worry. It's all a cruel tease! Don't notice! Work harder! We're doomed! Remember that other election where we thought Blue Guy was gonna win, and then he didn't? It's just like that one! People are stupid and we're all gonna die! Waah! Waah!

And furthermore, Waaaahhhh!

Similarities to Cubs Fans abound, really. And that's not a good moment for anyone's brand, really, to be compared to Cubs Fan.

When Red Guy is ahead, Red People react in one of two ways. If they are Red People of means, they rub their hands together in that good Uriah Heap / Monty Burns way, tell the servants to throw some fresh orphans on the fire, and party down while never actually being on the one.

Red People of no means just shoot their guns in the air (presumably, they think the air is where the Blue People live), drink something from Cousin Skeeter's #1 still (the Good Times still, as opposed to the Blindness Still), and eventually pass out after procreation. Ain't no party like a Red People party!

As for how Red People behave when they think they are going to lose... well, that's just it. They don't think that way. They have confidence that Blue Guy will screw it up, that their media will do what they need it to do, and that Blue People can bring anything down with their baggage. They save their recriminations and hate for *after* Red Guy loses, at which point he is never heard from again. (Don't believe me? Find Bob Dole. Even the Viagra people have moved on.)

And who knows, they might be right. At the very least, Blue People certainly do take the fun out of winning. By the way, Red People, your Emigration Daydreams seem to start and end with Australia, since they are white, drink and screech English. It's good timewaste.

Now, for my fellow Blue People, a simple plea in the remaining time that we have left before we tear our Blue Guy to ribbons for not being Blue Enough... um, dare to imagine that you are actually going to win this thing. Delude yourself into the belief that something you want can actually occur. Put a cork in the killjoy and self-fulfilling prophecy that Blue Guy can't possibly win for whatever pet factors you've got working for you.

More importantly, take some joy in Red Guy losing.

Oh, and one more thing -- say the word Landslide. Out loud. It's fun.