An FTT Public Service For MLB Writers

Dear MLB Hacks and Ink Stained Wretches,

At FTT, we're aware that you've got a lot on your hands with the recent Mitchell Report. How dare that bastard make you read over 400 pages without a quick and easy appendix list of who's dirty and how much? The nerve. Don't they realize that you've got a free food bar to crush under the gravitational pull of your elastic waistbands?

So if you're stretched for time, feel free to cut and paste the following lede for your next MLB Roider story. As a blogger, I don't expect credit or professional courtesy, so feel free to steal with abandon. And good luck on reading that report -- it's really, really long, and has no pictures!

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Player Name Here, a prominent member of Most Recent Team, were named as steroid users by Clubhouse Snitch in Federal Report Name.

Player Name Here has categorically dismissed the Clubhouse Snitch allegation as false in the past. However, now that the story has reached the level of a federal investigation, and Player Name Here has clearly learned his lesson from Barry Bonds staring down the gun barrel of a federal indictment for perjury, he's now electing to clear all future communications through his agent, legal firm, and parents.

IF PLAYER IS FROM LATIN AMERICA, INCLUDE

In a related story, Player Name Here has stated that despite his past years as a fluent speaker of English, he will now only communicate in his native Spanish, so as to avoid misstatements.

CONTINUE HERE

Clubhouse Snitch has stated that Player Name Here "always had a supply of amphetamines, dopamines, steroids, HGH, caffeine and Ovaltine." The affidavit also states that Player Name "boasted openly about how many drugs he was going to take, and how if you didn't take at least as many as he did, you must not want to be in MLB very much. Also, that your father liked men."

In response, Player Name said that while he never knowingly ingested any performance enhancing drugs, he is asleep for nearly a third of his life. During that time, rival ballplayers who wanted to destroy his career and livelihood could have injected him with any number of foul things, as he is a very sound sleeper and trusting soul who loves this country very, very much.

The commissioner of MLB, Bud "What, Me Worry?" Selig, had no comment at press time.

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(You're welcome, scribes. Now, have another pig in a blanket on me. They're tasty with mustard.)