Shooter's NFL Picks: Weak One

Do you have any idea how many games will be played in the NFL? I do. 256 regular season, 11 playoffs, for 267 total. That kind of advanced insider knowledge, combined with the fact that we have a blog, is leading us to pick every single damn game this year, and maybe even write about it.

Don't think we can make it to finish line? You're probably right. I mean, good Lord, 267 games? I'm going to go take a nap. Later. Luckily for all of us, I've got a new office set up (see right), which helped work out most of these.

As always, Nation, You're Welcome.

Saints to cover vs COLTS. The line on my screen is 6; I think this one ends with Adam Vinateri running around like he's excited or something. Seriously, after you've won a Super Bowl and everyone jumped on you were the only girl at the frat, doesn't a Week 1 game winner just make you go all soft? Vinateri probably hunts hobos now in his spare time, just so he can feel some small part of what it means to be alive.

Denver over BUFFALO, covering the 3. Can anyone really cover the Broncos without a Travis Henry joke, or nine? Not me. The Bills miss Takeo Spikes badly as the Broncos run like a perforated condom. Memo to Lee Evans owners: you did take him too early. Now, learn to love JP Losman.

WASHINGTON over Miami. Do the 'Skins have actual sleeper potential? Of course, since they're in the NFL, and Things Happen, but it's hard to imagine a team that counts on Sean Taylor to not make brain-dead decisions might actually be good late in the year. In this game, I'm looking for 80 to 100 yards from Clinton Portis, and an ungodly amount of chest pumping from everyone who rolled the dice and drafted him. (Note: It's still not going to end well. Move him out quick.)

Pittsburgh over CLEVELAND, covering 4.5. The Steelers were a borderline dangerous team last year with a QB that, if he did not have youth and a Super Bowl ring on his resume, might have been bounced for cause for Chaz Batch. This year, I think Big Ben plays like he's got a functioning brain and appendix, or something. As for the Browns, I imagine that Jamal Lewis must look amazing to them in practice, since this is the only team he really handled consistently in Baltimore...

Tennessee covering 6.5 in JACKSONVILLE. Am I the only person who thinks David Garrard is, um, not very good? I get that Leftwich cost more money and also isn't very good. I also get that the next plus wide out on the Titans will be their first, possibly since they moved from Houston. But it's hard to give up this big of a number to a team that always plays to the level of the opponent. By the way, this game will be fugly to watch. And I mean, fuglier than the city it's played in. (Florida, you've got a lot to answer for.)

HOUSTON covers 3 against Kansas City. A classic Resistible Force Meets Movable Object game, where the Less Bad team is the home squad. In a coronary-causing shock to a lot of fantasy football owners who will quit on their teams before October, Ahman Green outscores Larry Johnson in this one.

Philadelphia covers 3 at GREEN BAY. Check back next week for a real live travelogue on this one, as I'm taking the Shooter Mom to the game. There's a Packers fan in my office who was talking trash about my ringless Birds. He shut up when I mentioned Freddie Mitchell. Plus, he gets to root for the last team to lose a playoff game to Michael Vick. That's kinda special, too.

ST. LOUIS covers 1 (barely!) against Carolina. This game is killing me, as I drafted Bulger and Alex Smith, and can't decide which QB to use. Carolina was a terrible team last year and doesn't look much better to me; I think Delhomme gets the Plummer Treatment this year for David Carr, not that Carr is anything more than the second coming (or going) of Bobby Hoying. But the Rams always suck me in to thinking they will be better than they are, because it's hard to imagine a dome team, at home, not being able to play a little defense. What swung this for me is, simply, Stephen Jackson; he'll carry them until he wears down.

MINNESOTA covers 3 against Atlanta. I actually like both of these teams a little, and would probably go the other way if the game was in Atlanta. It's not, and the Vikings will stop the run. Even if you think Joey Harrington has some hope this year -- and he just might, rabbit, he just might -- it's his first game in a new system, with new receivers. Take the home crowd.

NEW YORK JETS cover 6.5 against the Pats. I don't think the Jets actually win this game, but they've got a lot working for them here. Thomas Jones is a major upgrade at RB, Pennington's been healthy for a while, it's a home opener, Brady doesn't quite have his timing down with his new WRs. I think the Pats win, but the 6.5 number is just too high, and driven by people who think Moss & Stallworth is just the bestus WR pair ever. They aren't. But the Pats win anyway.

SEATTLE covers 6 against Tampa Bay. Jeff Garcia is a major upgrade for the Bucs, but the thing about him is that he's pretty damn useless when he's flat on his back. The Bucs offensive line is just not good, and the Seabags are going to be the same old 10 to 11 win team that they always are. It's Eagles West, really.

OAKLAND covers 1.5 over Detroit. A classic game to put a spike in the heart of the idea that Mike Martz is some kinda freaky genius, rather than a pass-happy twerp who lucked into an ungodly amount of talent in St. Louis, and has been coasting on his reputation ever since. Count on the Lions putting the ball on the ground here.

SAN DIEGO covers 6 over Chicago. You want Sexy Rexy on the road against a team that gets after the QB? Me neither. It's the Nike ad all over again by the third and fourth quarter.

NEW YORK GIANTS cover 5.5 against DALLAS. I'm actually a little optimistic for Fredo Manning this year; he's still got talent, and the expectations outside of New York are so low, it's going to be easy for him to get off to a good start. A little-known fact of the Giants is that last year's schedule was nasty; this year is better, and it's not as if Eli is a Detmer, after all. He'll get some numbers. This game will cover a 50-point over, and the G Men get the spread, if not the game.

CICINNATI covers 2.5 against Baltimore. Carson Palmer comes all the way back this year, and Steve McNair goes all the way away. By mid-season, injury or ineffectiveness will have people saying the name Kyle Boller. And you know, I think he's actually the better QB. (Yikes.)

SAN FRANCISCO covers 3 against Arizona. Since this is a MNF game, expect it to be a dull game, as Frank Gore chews up yards and Matt Leinart fails to protect the ball. There's a paternity joke waiting to be made here, but this is a Family Blog, people. A Travis Henry Family, judging by the rising traffic numbers...