Oh Captain, My Captain

Paul Lukas's highly recommended Uni Watch blog breaks the story that the NFL is going to use NHL-style "C" patches to designate team captains, starting in week one of the 2007 regular season.

I don't really watch hockey, but I've always been a fan of the "C" in baseball. It's one of those little oddities that makes sports so fascinating. There's something about it that tickles my overactive imagination -- when I see the "C" on a baseball jersey, I imagine an entire behind-the-scenes chain of command structure among the players, complete with mysterious induction rituals and forbidden information that must be protected at all costs. If Jason Veritek is the Captain of the Red Sox, who is the First Admiral? How about the Lieutenant Commander? And can J.D. Drew really be trusted?

The manner by which a Captain is chosen also intrigues me. Does the coach make the decision? Or do the players vote? Is some kind of physical contest involved? And once the captain is crowned, can his captaincy be taken by another on the team? Is there some kind of reality-show challenge where the captain gets voted off the island and the tribe gets a new leader?

No word about whether teams will also use an "A" patch to designate an Assistant Coach, but I say the more designations, the better. In fact, this opens up a world of other single-letter designations that the NFL could also require:

"F" for Farewell tour. This designation draws attention to players who are getting what is very likely to be their final chance to play in the NFL. Were you a big Tim Couch fan when he was at Kentucky, but never bothered to watch him when he started for the Browns? Well, you're probably too late now. But if he had been wearing the "F" during his comeback attempt with the Jaguars this pre-season, viewers would've taken notice. OK, they probably wouldn't have.

But the "F" also serves to ease the confusion that results from seeing a once successful NFL player, long past his prime, take the field. Inevitably, you see a name like "Testaverde" on the back of the jersey and you ask "Can that really be *Vinnie* Testaverde?" After all, it's about as plausible as some completely unrelated guy has that name as it is that Vinne's still somehow cashing a check. The "F" patch will confirm that - yes, it's really him.

"S" for Starting RB. This seems simple enough, but fantasy football players know that it's critical to know which RB is the go-to guy. Requiring NFL coaches - and I'm looking at you, Mike Shanahan - to have a primary RB identified at all times will spare fantasy players the agony of playing a guy who ends up riding the bench most of the game.

Another benefit to the "S": Just think of the drama when a RB goes down mid-game, and the coach must tear the "S" off the starter's jersey and slap it onto another player's jersey. "And the word from the locker room is that Clinton Portis will miss four to six weeks with a high ankle sprain. Gibbs has the "S" and he walking over to Ladell Betts, who has proven that he can be -- WAIT! NO! He's giving the "S" to Rock Cartwright! I can't believe it!"

"?" for the mystery player on each team who might or might not be gay. Sure, this could quickly become a rookie hazing ritual, but if the NFL wants to increase it's appeal to more casual sports fans, this would give the broadcasts a soap-opera angle that draws viewers from much more diverse demographic groups.

"!" for any suspected roid users. Only the most hardcore NFL fans regularly pay attention to offensive/defensive line play. But when you know one of those guys is suspected of taking massive doses of horse steroids? I bet you can't take your eyes off him.