And where there were no sand, we ate Blogrolling. (You ate what?) We ate Blogrolling.

Why Citi Field is just so twee, so pwecious, so Mets. And yet another reason why new ballparks suck, and should be actively worked against by a more mature, post-recession, America. (This is a whole 'nother post, one that longtime FTT readers probably already know, but so be it.)

Is there anything more frightening than the phrase "ESPN Innovation Lab"? I'm seeing a "Clockwork Orange" kind of situation in which I'm forced to watch a continual loop of Home Run Derby, Who's Next and Pardon The Braying Jackassery. Quite Frankly, I think this is just a Lemur move to get the hell out of the armpit that is Bristol, Connecticut... but don't tell Red Sox Nation. They'll get bent if they lose NESN2, aka ESPN, and we know what happens when those very special people face adversity.

Your $1 magazine that features nothing but random mug shots from random arrests, which made my brain give me nothing but "Raising Arizona" references for a half hour. Turn to the right!

Nick Underhill gives the heads-up on Tigers' pitcher Rick Porcello, who might be historically good. Useful to know.

Tom Scocca points out that the NBA marketing machine is also Kobe vs. Not Kobe; I'll even forgive him the snotty Bird/Erving aside. That's what happens when you're (a) really good, and (b) really reprehensible. But remember, Philly Fan was bad, bad, bad for booing him as the All-Star Game MVP. (Once again, score one for my town's ability to spot a problem before it's obvious.)

Blogrolling knows where the bodies are buried

MLJ with the true crime story of spreading his mother's ashes at Fenway. Kind of amazing on many levels, and certain to become a huge story, I think.

Barney Frank continues to make me happy. Harry Reid? Well, let's just say I wasn't thrilled to have to speak well of him in 2004 when I canvassed in Reno, and I'm even less thrilled about it now.

National MLB ratings on Fox down about 9% from last year, 23% from 2000.

Meanwhile, the NBA is getting some of its highest ratings ever.

Fran Tarkenton is not a Favre hag. But he does speak the obvious truth that, well, anyone with eyes who hasn't been polishing Brett's knob for quotes over the past decade knows. It's the little things in life that make you happy, really.

Blogrolling is an insult to capitalism

Far be it for me to tell Yankee Fan how to spend his money... but, um, good grief. On some level, I'm just in awe of how the team sucks the dollars away from its fan base; it's breathtaking how well they do this.

Are you in the market for a new business card? Let Chicago's history of remarkably stupid criminals be your guide. There's some real creativity here.

MLJ is having issues with the MLB rule book and AJ Pyrzinski. Two great annoyances that annoy together!

Joe Newman is perhaps my most obscure musical hero, and in a better world, he'd be taught in schools. Wildly unpopular proprietors need to stick together.

Blogrolling Is unpopular on many levels

Fewer people listen to Jose Canseco than read this blog. Jose, I weep for us both.

Major League Jerk finds an even more rotted tooth than the Bad Tooth. If you're missing your quota of Mass Hate from me this week, by all means click, and take pity the poor Boston fan/columnist, needing his small comforts of shadenfraude on a Sunday in May when his NBA team gets back to even in the Final 8, his MLB team wins a tight game against their division rival, his NHL team won a playoff game, and his NFL team moves another day closer to a year where they'll win their division in a walk. Clearly, they needed to bask in the misery of a team and fanbase that isn't even in their freaking league to somehow get through another day in their vale of tears.

In other news, the temperature in their collective asshole is 75 degrees, with light humidity and a strong southerly breeze. The weather is always nice it's the reason why they spend so much time there!


EMBED-Fan Does A Bruce Lee Flying Kick At Yankee Game - Watch more free videos

It's good to see that the fans at the new Yankee Stadium can still fight each other, rather than have their staff do it for them. I am a little disappointed that the spectators didn't chant "E-C-W! E-C-W! E-C-W!" after the flying kick, though.

An unprovoked Mark Cuban confronts Kenyon Martin's mother to tell her that her son is a thug or a punk. Happy Mother's Day! You know what else he is, Cubes? A member of a team with a playoff pulse. Also, a member of a team who doesn't have a complete asshat for an owner. The only way this story gets better is if the Angry Yellow Man decides to take matters into his own hands in Game Four. Does God love us all that much? Only time will tell.

(Kudos, by the way, to embattled Dallas forward Dirk Nowitzki, for having oceans more class than his owner. With luck, maybe this will enrage the UFL commish enough to move him.)

Update -- God does love us, and Kenyon's said, "I'm going to take care of it." The quote continues, "By violently assaulting him until his smarmy little head leaks brain juice out of his eyes, ears, nose, mouth and a new hole I'm going to call 'Kenyon's Fun Zone'." Oops, I'm sorry, that last part was just in my own mind.

Mike Florio from the Sporting News fingers six 2009 NFL playoff teams that he doesn't think will make it back. My team isn't on it, so he must be right.

Blogrolling Will Fight, Scream, Pinch Nipples, and Stop Crime

Sign of the Apocalypse #3006 -- guys running around in superhero outfits for real, working to stop crime. Call me when you get costumed adversaries, boys, so that I know when I've got even bigger losers to mock...

Howard Eskin is now pinching nipples. No, wait, actually worse: stealing them. And dressing up as a Star Trek nerd. Oddly, it doesn't really change the way I feel about him.

Nick Underhill does the Manny thing better than most.

Your hero and mine, with, QUITE FRANKLY, the most important site on the Web. Everything he blogs is important! (And it must be, considering he's posted five times in the last six weeks.)

And finally, presented without undue comment, the top-ranked story on Ballhype this fine day. Hockey Fan sure does like it when the guys with the most pads throw down. Every mention has a video clip, and the blogger feels much shame.

Blogrolling sets fires and creeps you out

Far be it for us to avoid the Stephen Strasburg hype. The College Baseball Blog does it better than most.

The Ghost of Wayns Fontes with the love for the Off Track Betting Parlor. Who doesn't love this place?

MLJ with the extremely depressing five-year recap of the MLB first round. What a waste. No wonder the good teams give up picks for free agents like water.

Minor league baseball -- it's fantastic! And by fantastic, I mean, really regrettable and kind of sad.

We're getting closer to legal online gambling, folks. You know, like grown up countries.

And you people wonder why I don't like hockey. It comes in black and white with creepy puppets! (But only if you are a Bernie Federko fan. Yes, I'm old.)

Blogrolling Never Had A Problem Until He Started Blogging

Jon Pyle, who you've all known and loved (in the Biblical sense) for Pyle of Lists, has a new blog called Decleater. Check it out.

The Onion with the goods on the Jackie Robinson from the Homo League. Come to think of it, isn't Jackie kind of a...

Nick Underhill sits down with Dontrelle Willis. At this point, I'm thinking that Nick's slumming, but your mileage may vary.

YardBarker, aka the people who help keep me in pennies from their ads on this here site, asking Dirty Sanchez the question that Jets Fan really wants to know. In his secret, special place.



Finally, did you know that Milton Bradley never had a problem in his whole life until he started playing baseball? Well, um, gosh Milton... why not stop, then? Oh, right. The great gobs of money. So glad we got that cleared up.

Blogrolling Gets Furry

Cold Hard Football Facts with an in-depth examination of what the old AFL was really like, and the answer may surprise you. That assumes, of course, that you are freaking old and/or interested in pro football history, both of which have their advantages, really.

A Russian man takes the not so easy way out from a nagging spouse. Seriously, don't miss this one. Oh, liquor, is there anything that you can't do?

Isiah Thomas knows what it's like not to eat. Of course, he's also still making $12 million a year from the Knicks for all that he's done for them. Anyway, enjoy him, Florida International!

Sixers beat the non-LeBron Cavs, and the Bulls lose to the closing strong Raptors, which means my home town team gets the potentially crippled Magic (Hedo Turkoglu, their fourth quarter man, ain't right), rather than the so not necessary defending champion Celtics. I'm camping much more happily, even if I'm still not seeing an upset... even though I just saw Avery Johnson say it on the tee vee. Woo!

MLJ makes the very good point that no one should want to go to an MLB All-Star Game in July. That also assumes that anyone would ever want to go to Arizona at any time. Seriously, it's like all of the really regrettable old white people from Florida emigrated at once.

And isn't this nice -- an alleged rapist, philanderer and anal enthusiast gets to be on Sesame Street. Elmo wants Kobe to stop touching him there!

Blogrolling Is Unsportsmanlike And Hilarious

Researchers in Brooklyn have recently given a single dose of an experimental drug delivered to areas of the brain critical for holding specific types of memory, like emotional associations, spatial knowledge or motor skills.

The drug blocks the activity of a substance that the brain apparently needs to retain much of its learned information. And if enhanced, the substance could help ward off dementias and other memory problems.

As soon as they can market this stuff to rid me of, say, the end of the Eagles-Patriots Super Bowl, or the Jeter Play in Oakland, I'm there. With a credit card, cash, or my vital organs. I'm easy that way.

Here's my early choice for Sports Blogosphere Story of the Year: a soccer team was punished for unsportsmanlike behavior when one of its players passed wind during a penalty kick. No, I'm not making this up. And the only follow-up question that I have... was the penalty for the sound, the odor, or the fact that the player probably thought it was, in the words of the team traveling secretary, "Freaking hilarious"?

It’s been more than 8,000 years since humans first domesticated cows. But it wasn’t until last month that somebody noticed a defining feature of cattle at rest: Like the needle on a compass, they tend to point north.

German scientists analyzed 308 herds that had been photographed by Google Earth. According to the researchers, nearly two thirds had a north-south orientation, which strongly suggests that livestock are sensitive to magnetic fields.

Today's fun but almost completely useless fact does, at the very least, explain why Cub Fan sets up his tailgate the way he does...

MLJ with a fun list of notable names that didn't make an MLB roster this spring. I'm sure the A's will wind up giving Chad Gaudin a job again, and that he'll be better than a lot of guys in the bigs.

Nick at IWS has the fearless idea that Matt Holliday won't do well outside of Colorado. Seriously, if you didn't write this during the spring, you weren't allowed in Blogfrica. I'd say more about this, but my A's are getting shut out by Joe Freaking Saunders, so clearly I'm doomed.

Blogrolling Is Extreme In Every Way

Probably the most EXTREME! par 3 on the planet. It requires the use of a helicopter, and I don't like their chances of keeping that green clear of divots.



This is how bad it's gotten for the Pittsburgh Pirates: they lost a game to a community college. And not a very big one.But give the Buccos credit -- they won the first ten times they played!

Are you ready to interact with the Web on a near constant level, for just $350 in computer components from Radio Shack? I know I am, particularly when I can display word clouds on random people, hopefully to tie in with their medical records, so that I can know their STDs. Seriously, do not miss this: it's the freaky / cool / scary future, in all of its glory and ignominy.



Joe Carter is angry that his 1993 World Series-ending home run doesn't get more love from the historians. Joe, it's not that the national media doesn't care about a Toronto win; it's that they don't want to deal with Angry Philly Fan setting fire to their cars. (Though I still contend that what I felt that evening was relief, in that it meant that I never had to watch Mitch Williams pitch again.) Major League Jerk with a list and some good homework on this one.

Because, let's face it, kids love to sleep inside carcasses.

Oh, and just because it doesn't deserve a post of its own, because New York Fan will drown the Web with words... the Mets didn't help themselves with Gary Sheffield, and the Giants did help themselves to get past Plax Burress. The older I get, the more I think character matters. Oh, and in the case of Shef, having a defensive position. That helps too.

Blogrolling Is All About The Green Death

Seattle's fans haven't suffered enough; now they need these new eyesore uniforms. For a team that wasn't coming from a position of strength in the first place, this is a further thumb to the eye.

The manifesto of our times; not to be missed. Go Green Death!

MLJ examines the wondrous story of how Bud Selig is calling for a committee to examine why Oakland hasn't gotten a new stadium for the A's. This just in, Bud: there's a recession. California is damn near bankrupt. Unemployment is on the rise. The team is in Oakland, which is to say, it's on the wrong side of the water for money, and gets maybe 10% of the media attention in the region, thanks to the tied-in Giants. And your ability to overwhelm the mind of any sentient being with your utter freaking clueless self... I mean, really? A committee? Do you also call one to help you wipe?

One more casualty of the new Yankee Stadium: Bob Sheppard, the Voice of God, doesn't look like he'll make it to the next place. Big quitter is just 98.

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
The 10/31 Project
comedycentral.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor NASA Name Contest

And finally, Stephen Colbert knocks it out of the park again. When a man breaks out the shotgun and diaper, that's just good comedy.

Blogrollins Is Making Sheep Do Things

Very cool, but where is the love for the dogs that made it happen? Or some talking pig?

You'll say Sham Ow! See what I did there, folks? That's comedy.

MLJ digs into the details of Dontrelle Willis going on the DL with anxiety. He's got too much mitoclorion in his blood, or his ERA. Let's just call this for what it is: he's not good enough to pitch in the major leagues. But if this gives them any kind of out medically, look for the Giants to do the same thing with Barry Zito...

Backing up what will be said in another post soon, but the Orioles' quitting ways extends to their radio coverage, too. Why, exactly, does this team have a single fan left?

In case you were thinking that Michigan State Fan didn't have the Internets. This one had the good manners to link to us recently, so here's some love.

Blogrolling Is Very, Very Sorry

If you've noticed the blog losing a bit of steam in the last 1-2 weeks, you're not mistaken; I've been fighting a persistent bug and prepping for way too many fantasy baseball league drafts, and also covering for the frequent absence of a coworker who has also been laid low.

Once we get past Saturday, we should be back up to our normal levels of snark. In the meantime, eat out on the lowest energy Blogrolling ever, which isn't to demean the quality of the links.

Hey, we won our first round blog name contest, but appear to have lost the second. If I had only known that the second round had started, kids. IF ONLY.

MLJ has the story on how the Tigers make Baby Jebus cry. Isn't Detroit already, you know, hell?

Weapons grade timewaste. Uses sound, and if you are at work, you better have headphones.

Blogrolling is on the bounce

Stephen Colbert will orbit you and own outer space. Do not trifle with him.

This is a little old, but still, a new low in the length of the Terrible Honeymoon Period. The most self-regarded star in NFL History misses the start of the Bills' voluntary practice. The batshit craziness is coming out early, Bills Fan!

Fonzie Soriano's ride. Let's just say that he hasn't gotten the message that the Hummer is passe.

And finally, just because I know that you aren't getting enough sing-along electronica in your life, bounce with me.

Blogrolling is Hooker-Riffic, Explosive and Holy

The Holy Hand Grenade, still causing problems after all these years.

Do you have a weakness for golfer on golfer violence, especially when it involves the cart? I know I do, especially when it involves the use of a cart, dragging a body, and cursing. Ask any of my old golfing buddies, and they'll tell you that's *my* move...

Do you have a weakness for A-Rod's hookers? I know I do. Plus, his madam dated him for free. Aw, that's sweet. True love!

(And in another small moment, consider the name of the skank du jour -- Kristin Davis. Here I was thinking that she played the prude on "Sex and the City", but it turns out that she's 20 years younger and blonde. What an actress!)

Oh, and one last thing... isn't using the services of a prostitute illegal? Someone needs to arrest that troublesome A-Rod. He broke the law.

The NFL considers moving the draft up to late February. The idea is to put the draft in front of free agency, to further kneecap the free agents. Makes sense to me, though not nearly as much sense as, say, providing a freaking spring league so that the most popular sport in the country doesn't have an 8-month off-season.

Oh noes! Shaq is doing online shenanigans during the halftime break, rather than, say, paying attention to what the coach is saying.

In other news, he just became the fifth leading all-time scorer in NBA history, mainly because he's an unstoppable combination of soft hands and utter power. Anything that makes him less focused on playing the game is, in my opinion, something to be applauded, since an angry focused Shaq is a danger to himself and others.

Sports By Brooks does the math to show that the average seat at the new Yankee Stadium is $237. That sound you heard was jaws dropping from coast to coast, but to be honest, I'm just not seeing the Yanks getting it in the long term. Yes, people make serious and ridiculous bank in the City, but at some point (especially when that New Stadium Smell wears off), paying more per hour for baseball than hookers is a losing proposition.

Blogrolling Is Keeping It In The Family

Does it matter how you dress your kids? Yes. The Figthin' have Brett Myers and son, a sweet little tyke that's probably not being brought up to live in urban areas.

Are you shocked to learn that Kevin Youkilis thinks Red Sox Fan is better than American Fan? No, I'm not either. But to say it in public is special. Larry Brown Sports with the love.

Sparty and Friends is helping a laid-off blogger pay the bills. Or just feel bitter that he's watching the tournament, and you're, well, maybe not.

MLJ wants to know what the point of the WBC is, considering that Davey Johnson seems to be constantly talking about forfeiting. Personally, I think that we should all be giving Johnson his props for pioneering new ways to lose.

An excellent point to be made here people -- don't hate Duke because they enjoy same-sex relations. There are much better reasons!

Blogrolling Is Your #2 Choice In Modeling

Five Tool Tool is a #3 seed in the "Best Sports Blog Name" tournament over at Zoner Sports. I couldn't be more proud, really, and will continue to feel that way after we get taken down in a stunning upset, out overrated, pasty faces staring at the court in disbelief. We know the role.

I've been out of commission for the past 24+ hours, continuing to fight the good fight against a week-long illness. But on the other hand, I could have had Samuel L's day here in "Deep Blue Sea."



Now that Najeh Davenport's career is in the, um, dumper... it's time for him to try male modeling. No, I'm not kidding. And he has Some Experience!

Between the poker playing, the two daughters and the sports gambling, is there any wonder why I'm down with the Bracketer-in-Chief? Apologies for the fact that you've seen this on every other sports blog on the planet.

Destroy any Web site, including this one. Personally, I'm partial to the Led Zeppelin mode.

The Nietzsche Family Circus pairs a random Family Circus cartoon with a random quote from the philosopher.

Blogrolling Is J-Lo To You

Not since the start of the Kyle Lohse Era in Philadelphia have I been more entranced by a pitcher coming to a new team...

“Why did I sign with the Nationals? When you go to a club at 4 in the morning, and you’re just waiting, waiting, a 600-pounder looks like J-Lo. And to me this is Jennifer Lopez right here. It’s 4 in the morning. Too much to drink. So, Nationals: Jennifer Lopez to me.” - Julian Tavarez

It's March, folks, and we already have the Quote of the Year in MLB. Golf clap, Julian, golf clap.

Major League Jerk on why arm length matters for an offensive tackle, and how the NFL Combine is more than the Mike Mamula Memorial Mistake. Personally, I read this while thinking of the scene in "300" when Massively Roided King Leonidas tells Treacherous Malformed Dwarf Ephialtes how he can't use him in battle...

Moondog tries to fix the NCAAs, which are not in any way broken. As I commented over at his site, the NCAA basketball tournament isn't for determining the best team in college basketball; if you wanted to do that, you'd have a best of 3 series in the first round between the same two teams, leading to best of 5's for the survivors, and finally a best of seven for the championship. You know, like what the NBA does.

What the NCAA is for, and why it's the most popular basketball championship on pure viewership and gambling excitement, is wildly random events and excitement. That's why no one ever complains about a boring Finals, and how low seeds make it to the Sweet 16 and Final 4. Personally, I think the NCAA goes too far to the random, and that the NBA goes too far to the predictable crucible, but it's not like anyone is ever going to go to nothing but best of 3's for each playoff round, given that each has evolved to what it is for the money. Anyway, moving on.

“[Owens] thanks the Cowboys organization for releasing him and adding to his bank account.” -T.O.’s agent Drew Rosenhaus, as reported in the Dallas Morning News

And yes, that one goes to the remaining 12 Terrible Apologists on the planet, all of whom have him on their fantasy league team but not their real one. Just on the off chance that you were wondering what the man was really all about, or whether his fine sense of personal judgment was limited to just the occasional harmless mistake. Nothing but class.

SportsRubbish with the police blotter details on the latest NBA arrest..."Your policy may be I need an ID, but my policy is I get what I want when I want." - NJ Nets forward Sean Williams at an Apple store in Denver, CO, prior to an arrest

Repeat the quote above while speaking in the voice of Eric Cartman. You're welcome. And yes, one tends to think that the Sean Williams Era is about to have the curtain fall in the Izod Center. At least it's ending easier than the Jayson Williams Era.

And finally, please note that there is not one, but two Bastardo prospects right now; the Dodgers and Phillies are having a Bastardo-Off. Not since the days of Jung Bong have I awaited SportsCenter highlights with such anticipation...

Blogrolling Needs A New Arena

Won't you please save a word today? Me, I'm going with boreism, or possibly namelings to describe the dozens of Ramerizi in MLB.

NY Yankees Rumors.com has dozens of photos of the new yard, which looks really big and very expensive -- shocking, I am sure. His caption for the photo above ("It’s like an all Yankees Cooperstown") either shows that he's never actually been to Cooperstown, or that I'm very bitter, or both.

The latest NBA Teams are on the move post from Fanleader.com, by way of the Boston Globe, has the Kings and Pacers looking for greener pastures. The Kings are said to be going to Anaheim, which probably makes more sense than their usual destination of Las Vegas, given how the Association has issues with that town, and they really don't have an arena that's up to standards.

As for the Pacers, let's just say that Ron Artest killed basketball in that state, and be done with it. In reality, the rent on Conseco Fieldhouse is $15 million per year, and this is in all likelihood just a negotiating ploy on the plight of a bad team that is currently last in the league in attendance.

It's said that the Pacers have lost money in 26 out of 28 years, so maybe it's more than just Testy, but it just sounds right to blame him, doesn't it? (As for where they will go... the usual suspects now are Kansas City, Seattle and, again, Vegas. But if freaking Indiana can't support an NBA team, doesn't that just make you wonder if any place can?)

30 teams have passed on Barry Bonds, but it's news when the Red Sox do it. Of course, the Bahstons were definitely always going to stay away from him, since he's a steroid user and all.

Blogrolling Thinks You Are Like Cancer

Shockingly, ex NFL RB Travis Henry is having a hard time making ends meet, due to his hobby of making ends meet. See what I did there? That's comedy, you lousy punks.

Jon Papelbon, like many in Red Sox Nation, just can't stop talking about ManRam, and compares him to cancer. Now, this is where the media fails me, really. What kind of cancer, Paps? Breast, which makes you use funny pink bats? Ass or dick cancer, like what so many people wished on you when you did your spasmodic dance routines? Heroic Jon Lester Cancer? Details, man, details. (And yes, the sound you heard was the Bad Tooth squealing with delight that another 5,000 words on what the Paps-Manny Feud Means, and what would happen if, heavens to all heavens, they actually met as adversaries on the field of combat. I feel faint.)

The real jersey purchase of our times: making your own. Screw you, jersey price gougers. Note also the Very Male Way of referring to sewing as DIY. Balls malesy DIY, oi oi oi!

Continuing on the ugly duds theme, Simon looks at St. Patrick's Day sports gear, so you don't have to.


Nick at IMS with more Joba Drama, because nothing endures quite so well as eternal Yankee drama.



Continuing the blog's newfound lease of life as All Spiderman, All The Time. I have lots more of these, people. Do not provoke me.