And where there were no sand, we ate Blogrolling. (You ate what?) We ate Blogrolling.

Why Citi Field is just so twee, so pwecious, so Mets. And yet another reason why new ballparks suck, and should be actively worked against by a more mature, post-recession, America. (This is a whole 'nother post, one that longtime FTT readers probably already know, but so be it.)

Is there anything more frightening than the phrase "ESPN Innovation Lab"? I'm seeing a "Clockwork Orange" kind of situation in which I'm forced to watch a continual loop of Home Run Derby, Who's Next and Pardon The Braying Jackassery. Quite Frankly, I think this is just a Lemur move to get the hell out of the armpit that is Bristol, Connecticut... but don't tell Red Sox Nation. They'll get bent if they lose NESN2, aka ESPN, and we know what happens when those very special people face adversity.

Your $1 magazine that features nothing but random mug shots from random arrests, which made my brain give me nothing but "Raising Arizona" references for a half hour. Turn to the right!

Nick Underhill gives the heads-up on Tigers' pitcher Rick Porcello, who might be historically good. Useful to know.

Tom Scocca points out that the NBA marketing machine is also Kobe vs. Not Kobe; I'll even forgive him the snotty Bird/Erving aside. That's what happens when you're (a) really good, and (b) really reprehensible. But remember, Philly Fan was bad, bad, bad for booing him as the All-Star Game MVP. (Once again, score one for my town's ability to spot a problem before it's obvious.)

Blogrolling Never Had A Problem Until He Started Blogging

Jon Pyle, who you've all known and loved (in the Biblical sense) for Pyle of Lists, has a new blog called Decleater. Check it out.

The Onion with the goods on the Jackie Robinson from the Homo League. Come to think of it, isn't Jackie kind of a...

Nick Underhill sits down with Dontrelle Willis. At this point, I'm thinking that Nick's slumming, but your mileage may vary.

YardBarker, aka the people who help keep me in pennies from their ads on this here site, asking Dirty Sanchez the question that Jets Fan really wants to know. In his secret, special place.



Finally, did you know that Milton Bradley never had a problem in his whole life until he started playing baseball? Well, um, gosh Milton... why not stop, then? Oh, right. The great gobs of money. So glad we got that cleared up.

Blogrollins Is Making Sheep Do Things

Very cool, but where is the love for the dogs that made it happen? Or some talking pig?

You'll say Sham Ow! See what I did there, folks? That's comedy.

MLJ digs into the details of Dontrelle Willis going on the DL with anxiety. He's got too much mitoclorion in his blood, or his ERA. Let's just call this for what it is: he's not good enough to pitch in the major leagues. But if this gives them any kind of out medically, look for the Giants to do the same thing with Barry Zito...

Backing up what will be said in another post soon, but the Orioles' quitting ways extends to their radio coverage, too. Why, exactly, does this team have a single fan left?

In case you were thinking that Michigan State Fan didn't have the Internets. This one had the good manners to link to us recently, so here's some love.

Blogrolling Is Very, Very Sorry

If you've noticed the blog losing a bit of steam in the last 1-2 weeks, you're not mistaken; I've been fighting a persistent bug and prepping for way too many fantasy baseball league drafts, and also covering for the frequent absence of a coworker who has also been laid low.

Once we get past Saturday, we should be back up to our normal levels of snark. In the meantime, eat out on the lowest energy Blogrolling ever, which isn't to demean the quality of the links.

Hey, we won our first round blog name contest, but appear to have lost the second. If I had only known that the second round had started, kids. IF ONLY.

MLJ has the story on how the Tigers make Baby Jebus cry. Isn't Detroit already, you know, hell?

Weapons grade timewaste. Uses sound, and if you are at work, you better have headphones.

In defense of boredom and intentional failure

I used to take the Shooter Eldest to fifteen to twenty baseball games a year, when she was aged 2 to 4. People always used to congratulate me on how lucky it was that my kid was a baseball fan, or ask how I managed to cultivate a taste for such a slow game in a little girl... and then I'd have to tell them that, no, it wasn't luck or cultivation, because the Shooter Eldest isn't really that much of a fan. She just likes to go places with me.

"But how do you keep her from being bored?"

Well, we'd go to the children's play area, bring coloring books, buy junk food... hey, um, actually? Sometimes, she gets bored. Life is like that. It's not even child abuse.

The other night, I was keeping a spare eye on the Tigers-Indians game while dealing with laundry, where Cleveland jumped all over the minor-league board Dontrelle Willis (he's Barry Zito without, um, control or stuff). With the score 8-0 in the third and the mother of all rain storms bearing down on Motown, Indians' pitcher Cliff Lee just started throwing belt-high strikes to try to get the game to official status quickly. He gave up a couple of runs, but moved the game along fast.

The Tribe hitters then came up, and while they were also hurrying things along, they were still swinging the bat to hit the ball, and when reaching base, not getting picked off first intentionally. From outside the game, it seemed like the wrong play, but from the point of view of a player whose outs could be used against you in a court of arbitration? Maybe not. (Footnote: the game was stopped in the fifth, but eventually resumed, with a Tribe win.)

Having the ability to be OK with an unpleasant situation (say, heat, boredom, rain, or making outs intentionally), or more importantly, the ability to see beyond your immediate physical or emotional needs is, I think, damned useful. It allows you to develop the concentration to complete a goal. I was bored plenty when I was a kid; it allowed me to develop, moment by agonizing moment, the tiny amount of patience that I have today. More importantly, it let me develop an imagination and intellectual curiosity to see connections where others don't, to find things to think about when there is nothing else to do, and to blog every day and ride trains for 17 hours a week without going into a killing spree. (So far. I'm not making any promises for if and when train delays start pushing this to 20 hours a week and beyond. New Jersey Transit and PATH, you are officially On Notice.)

Entertainment, especially when it's passive and suits you, is brain candy; fun, a rush, easy to sell and, at the end of the day, essentially composed of air and nothingness, with no lasting import or impact. (You can toss in, of course, the video clips you find here, or even this little piece of timewaste if it's not sparking any thoughts on your part.) But you shouldn't just live on candy, just as you should be able to watch something that takes some time without being overwhelmed by feelings of boredom.

Because, well, the people in my life who feel compelled to tell me how bored they are? They are, by and large, extraordinarily boring people. It takes two.

A Question of Measure

(For the non-clickers: it's a Yahoo story that talks about a survey of 1,500 couples in 2005 tht showed the median duration of sexual intercourse at 7.3 minutes, and that the optimal amount of time was 3 to 13 minutes.)

Now, I'm sure that you're wondering why this little tidbit of tabloid science has made it into the Content Hole of this here sports blog, especially on a day when the Final 2 were achieved, not that I know squat about college ball.

Or, for that matter, the fact that my pick to win the MLB WS (Detroit) is the only team to still be without a win. Way to make me look good, Cats.

There's also just 21 days left for you to completely waste your time with mock NFL draft speculation. (And unless one of FTT's other tools want to contribute something to the cause, that's probably the last you'll read about it here. Sorry.)

Simply put, it is a measure of measure.

One of the reasons why sports works so well for so many people is that there is a simple pleasure in definites, so long as they leave just a little bit of wiggle room to allow for argument.

So, really, tabloid science, why so inexact? Let's get this down to seconds, not minutes. Hell, make it tenths of a second, like a proper Olympic track and field event. And once we've got that level of measurement, can competition be far behind?

Of course not.

So let's start with speed to climax, length of... and stop right there, before someone takes this seriously, and it winds up on SportsCenter...

Five Fairly Obvious MLB Points

1) Boston is the only team in baseball that should definitely make it into the post-season.

With a 10 game lead over two teams (the Yankees and Blue Jays) that are over .500, even a weekend sweep at the hands of the Tigers is hardly enough to dim the prospects of the Beantowners.

That means that the last 3 months of the season should be all about making sure that the bullpen is right -- no burning out Papelbon and Okajima for games they don't need -- and trying to get the disappointing ManRam back on track (his .851 OPS would be the lowest of his career). They also need to make sure Mike Lowell doesn't get burned out, and that Kevin Youkilis gets back to full health. But in terms of problems in the AL East, this is the only team that doesn't look like a basket case right now.

2) The best division in baseball is the AL Central.

Detroit and Cleveland are both flirting with .600 baseball, the Twins are above .500 and possess the best second-half pitcher in baseball (take a look at Johan Santana's splits -- he's freaky in the later months), the ChiSox can't be as bad as they've shown so far, and even the Royals are avoiding the 100-loss pace that has been their usual pace. Short of an injury run or unforeseen meltdown, this is where the wild card should come from.

3) For the first time this century, the A's are toast.

After yet another injury to Rich Harden, the team dropped the last series before the break to those continually surprising Seattle Mariners. That drops them to 44-44, 9 out of the division, 8 out of the wild card. Blame the offense, which at 380 runs scored, only outpaces the White Sox. Bring on the kids!

4) The Phillies are just a game away from 10,000 losses.

No pro sports team has lost more -- no, not even the Cubbies. And people wonder why the locals are ornery.

But the team did manage to make it to the break at .500, and earn some outstanding karma, by scrambling on to the field in Colorado and helping the ground's crew.

5) The NL is its usual orgy of mediocrity.

Only the Nats and Reds are more than 10 games out of the wild card, and no team goes too far above .550. From looking at the teams, I'd wager that the Mets, Brewers, Padres and Dodgers are your final four... but there isn't any of these teams is more than a series sweep away from looking very vulnerable.

Bipolar Baseball Bonanza!

Ed. Note: The first in a possible series of feel-random points from FTT's lightly medicated heart and soul superhero, Bipolar Bear! Join in the fun and agony!

> Curtis Granderson of Detroit leads MLB in triples with 12.

He's on pace for 32, which would be the second-most in a season ever, and the most since 1912. In terms of breaking the norms, would be like hitting 70 home runs!

Of course, he won't keep up this pace. This kind of thing never happens.

Much later on, he will die. We all die. And rot, and are forgotten.

> Josh Beckett is 9-0, the first time a Red Sox pitcher has won nine straight games to start the season since Clemens, and the fifth-best start in franchise history. Clemens holds the record with 14-0 in 1986.

With 20 or so starts left in the season, Beckett has a reasonable chance to have the most wins in the regular season for a Boston pitcher since, well, Clemens.

He usually gets hurt though. Blisters.

He also had an 5.01 ERA last year, which means this could all be just a mirage.

I feel cold. And my dog is sick.

> The Yankees are .500.

I guess that's OK. Or not.

> Chicago's baseball teams are a combined 55-67, and both are substantially behind in the wild-card race. The White Sox have been shut out five times, which is tied for the most in the American League.

Chicago's baseball fans must feel sad, since the team on the North Side is torturing an old man, while the team on the South Side couldn't score in Tijuana with unmarked twenties and the ability to tell girls that you only have three months to live.

But on the other hand, shutouts are nifty! They usually end quickly, which gives me more time to feed ice cream to puppies. I like puppies a lot! And they like ice cream.

If my dog dies, maybe we can get a new puppy. Yay! New puppy!

> Cleveland is atop the Central, riding high on the dominance of CC Sabathia and Fausto Carmona. The two pitchers have combined for an 16-3 record, with a 3 run ERA.

Carmona's WHIP is higher than you'd like to see, and he doesn't strike many guys out... but that's OK because he's doing it with a great sinkerball. He's also never pitched this many innings before. Sabathia has, but CC struggles with weight and throws a lot of pitches this year.

The Indians haven't won the World Series since 1948, and I own Carmona in my fantasy league. He can't possibly keep this up, no one will give me anything in trade for him.

Soon, the Bush Administration will invade Iran, provoking war throughout the region, the use of nuclear weapons, rampant hyperinflation through oil instabilities, leading to martial law and an eternal Republican Presidency. Dissenters will be imprisoned, and my FTT T-Shirt will make me an ironic favorite among the other prisoners for forced sodomy.

On the other hand, my local supermarket has a buy one, get one free special on Stephen Colbert’s "Americone Dream" ice cream. That’s really good ice cream. My dog loves it. I think she’s feeling better.

> Justin Verlander of the Tigers gets a no hitter.

Dave Stewart at NBX gave the edge to the Brewers in that pitching matchup. I should give him a call. He's probably feeling very sad right now. Or happy. It's hard to tell.

> The Phillies, after not registering a shutout for the first 60 games of the year, have logged two in the last week. Adam Eaton did it last night, while Jon Lieber had a complete game gem last week in Kansas City.

Lieber dedicated the win to his new baby boy. That's really great. Maybe someday, Daddy Lieber will take his kid into his really big truck and let him sound the horn. The little guy would certainly get a thrill out of that!

When he's older, Lieber's kid will probably wonder why his dad helped to eradicate all life on the earth through his huge contribution to global warming. "Why, Daddy, why?" he'll say, his tears muffled by the gas mask that all humans will have to wear, as he surveys the hellish dystopia that will be our planet.

But hey, that's tomorrow. Today, that's a really big truck. I bet you could bring home a lot of ice cream with it.

Crap Holes We Have Known: Old Tiger Stadium, Detroit

Ed. Note: Part of a continuing series where FTT throws dirt on the graves of dead stadiums to show that yes, we are freaking old. Enjoy!

Old baseball stadiums. Ah, the memories. The history. The knowledge that, why, in this very field, on that very spot right over there, Ty Cobb once attacked a guy in a wheelchair for calling him a racial slur, and his teammates were behind him. Or to be able to look up and say, my Lord, Reggie Jackson sure hit the ball a long way.

Of course, it’s easier to say these things when you can actually see the field. Many times in Ye Olde Tiger Stadium, that wasn’t going to happen for you.

Your enemy in that place was The Pillar, silent bane to baseball fans for untold decades, just waiting to ensnare out of town fans who come to your yard just to knock another field off the list of Ones We’ve Been To. Tiger Stadium had, basically, one for every three fans, at least in our experience, which left us picking innings for who got to see what.

Who won? Who lost? Who remembers? All I can see when I close my eyes and think of Tiger Stadium is a giant steel phallus, laughing at me. Admittedly, this occurs most nights, especially since The Incident, but that’s a whole ‘nother meeting.

Why didn’t, you may ask, we get up and go somewhere else? Because, well, we were more or less Afraid For Our Lives. While the quality of our asses may not be rock hard, they certainly aren’t completely confectionary, either – we’ve lived in some bad neighborhoods and gotten through some rough nights. But in the mid-80s, with the natives having a rough year and the Stadium being located in America’s third-finger answer to Beirut, we were not, how shall we say, looking to annoy a native. Or stay late.

Old stadiums are wonderful. We love Fenway, despite our Simmons-fueled hate for the Sox. Wrigley is almost 20% as nice as Cubs Fans claim it is. Yankee Stadium is one of our favorite places to see a game, once again, despite the general antipathy towards the home team.

But not all old stadiums are wonderful, and you don’t hear too many Tiger Fans pining for the good old days in the old yard. Rest in an obstructed view plot, you hole.

As always on Crap Holes We Have Known, if you’ve got a different view, we’re eager to hear it, so that we can get what people in pro wrestling call Cheap Heat. Post your impassioned defense, or pile on the corpse, in the comments below.

Coming Up Next Time on Crap Holes We Have Known: Pittsburgh! Or Cincinnati! See if you can tell the difference!