These networks and their filty, filthy ads

The day job salmonella peanut butter keeps mixing with the melted Kit Kat blog hobby, kids. From an industry PR news letter...

Common Sense Media recently released a study on the content of ads shown during NFL broadcasts. The report, Broadcast Dysfunction: Sex, Violence, Alcohol and the NFL, reviewed nearly 60 games, more than 180 hours of coverage, watched nearly 6,000 commercials and concluded that "it was impossible to watch a single game without coming up against sex, violence, or Viagra."

The researchers reviewed 57 pro football games and

• Evaluated 5778 ads and promos

• Found 519 ads and promos with violence

• Saw 242 violent promos for network programs

• Found 80 ads and promos with sexuality

• Discovered 26 which were sexual promos for network programs

• Viewed 300 ads and promos with alcohol

Now, a few points.

> Only a 4 to 1 split for liquor over sex? Dammit, I feel cheated. Whenever I get to three drinks, sex is happening. With something.

> By the numbers, less than 10% of the ads has violence. See, doesn't that feel better than the gross count? It's even nicer when you realize that 283 of those ads had Liam Neeson's daughter getting Taken. Between her and that contagion green-screen thing from earlier in the season, this was clearly the year where horror was equated to rug burn. As an exercise, the reader is asked to ponder how this reflects on the society as we near the 10-year-mark of the Monica Lewinsky scandal. And now, back to our program.

> Only 26 ads for sex in network program ads? No wonder the networks are failing. And how are they counting these, really? Because I'm pretty sure that you can get an ad with sex, violence and alcohol in it, even if it's just a particularly on-target beer ad, or a local spot in the Phoenix market for a weekend getaway to Kurt Warner's Jebus Jamboree. (Ask for Brenda. She goes farther.)

And now, on to the really awful part, especially after that last bit of casual libel and blasphemy... the god-squadders are right.

As many of you are aware, the Shooter Family is blessed with daughters who, for the most part, leave Dad the hell alone when football is on, because they are well aware that they ruin the luck. (That Cardinals drive in the fourth quarter of the NFC Championship? I'm throwing the eldest under the bus for that one.) But independent of their mystical ability, learned during all of those secret Female Only Meetings, to cause my team to lose in the clutch, there's this... I'm really, really relieved to not have to explain the ads to them.

And it's all, well, silly.

We have the technology to skip ads. We also have the technology to narrowcast them so that my local cable provider can get in the fun with lucrative local spots.

So why, really, should every household see the same ads?

I'm the kind of guy who hated SUVs from the word go. My cars are usually low to the ground and sporty, which means that they are in the perfect position to get blinded by those storm trooper lights. And for years now, SUV and truck manufacturers have been paying ludicrous rates to tell me about their products that I will never, ever buy.

If I had the ability to choose my ads -- and, perhaps, even just pay extra to do without them at all -- I'm taking it. The NFL gets a more effective advertising environment. My kids get to watch the games with their dad. Meathead teens get nothing but crotch shot beer ads. Everybody wins.

Everybody, that is, except for the ad agencies who get a 15% agency cut on the media buy, and the big networks that sell inefficiencies for a hefty markup...