Massholes

http://sports.espn.go.com/nba/news/story?id=2803589

(For non-clickers: The Celtics acknowledge they've been fined $30K for "excessive contact" with the family of prized UTexas frosh and likely #1 pick Kevin Durant.)

Now, Danny Ainge is spooning with Durant's mom during the Big 12 tournament. Just remember, folks -- the draft isn't fixed, and everybody thinks Boston is adorable. Honest.

Does anyone from New England (and what the hell is up with that? It's been there for 400 years now -- how is it still New?) wonder why the rest of the country hates them, or has it penetrated even their colossal myopia?

FTT hates to sound like a broken record, but here's a short list of Beloved Massholes that the rest of the country, um, doesn't really like. Just so you're aware.

1) Larry Bird. Great player, fantastic cheapshot artist, and even better at whining to the refs. We didn't just hate him because he was good, honest.

(FTT's childhood was spent playing Bird vs. Erving, and only giving up the game when Doc won 256-0, with Bird shooting a perfect 0% from the floor, because Doc blocked every shot he took, or stolen the ball before he could get it off. Larry also had a bit of a problem shaking the glass out of his hair, as Doc broke the backboard 25 times on him. Hard day for Larry.)

2) Bill Belichick. Classless in defeat, the world revolves around him, showed no signs of competence while toiling in Cleveland, and dresses like a homeless guy.

When the Pats play the Ravens, how do they fit the egos of Belichick and Billick in the same stadium? Good thing neither team plays in a dome.

3) Pedro Martinez. Even the Massholes will now concede that he's a first-class prima donna who couldn't save Grady Little from himself, since he's, um, not on the team anymore. Even on fumes, a true ace gets an out or two in a clutch situation.

Wait for a similar awakening for Entry #4 in another two years, after he's cashing a check to play in AAAA (the NL)...

4) Curt Schilling. Look, it's not the talking that bothers us -- we actually like it when athletes don't answer every question in Tiger Woodsbot fashion. It's the relentless drama of it all.

The Sock of Turin, the Look At Me! Towel Antics in '93, the Bush Appearances in 2004 (how's that working out for you, big man? Still standing by Our President?)... well, let's just say we don't know how his head is smaller than Bonds. We will also lay even money that by mid-May, his blog (no, we're not giving you a link) will be a flamefest in comments from Massholes who are bent by his 4.5 ERA. And wasn't he supposed to mentor Young Josh Beckett into greatness?

5) Bill Simmons. For reasons that have been previously stated, on literally dozens of Web sites, with more of them seeming to catch on every day.

(Special Bonus Massholes: Mitt "I will protect a woman's right to choose... until it is no longer advantageous for me to do so" Rommney and John "Donate to my campaign, so that me and my billionaire wife can keep tens of millions of dollars of the money for no good reason" Kerry. FTT is bipartisan in its hate!)