Michael Vick To Make A PETA Ad

NEW YORK (AdAge.com) -- Disgraced one-time NFL superstar Michael Vick, who is serving prison time for funding an illegal dog-fighting ring, is primed to do public-service ads for People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals upon his release later this month. According to three people with knowledge of the matter, the proposed endorsement is part of a comprehensive PR scheme aimed at rehabilitating the quarterback's image and gaining him re-admission to the league that banned him from playing.

I don't have the time or brain cells to give this what it deserves right now, but as site contributor The Truth notes... perhaps it's not the wisest PR strategy to let people know this is, well, a PR strategy.

We now return you to many overwritten fake scripts for the shoot...

UPDATE: Oh, hell, who am I kidding? It writes itself.

VICK: Hi, I'm Michael Vick. You might remember me from such felonious behavior as cruelty to animals, and running illegal dogfights.

(Camera pans to reveal stables in background, and a tracking device on VICK'S leg)

VICK: You might also know me by my comically silly pseudonym, Ron Mexico, under which I had sex with prostitutes and contracted herpes.

(Soft camera focus on a cute larger dog on a leash that VICK holds)

VICK: What I did was wrong -- mind-boggingly, horrifically, never be able to look me in the eye again wrong.

(Camera comes back to VICK, whose nostrils flare)

VICK: But you know what's even more wrong? Failing to spay or neuter your pet.

(Camera pans to a club, which is revealed to be in VICK's non-leash hand)

VICK: When you fail to responsibly care for your pet's reproduction, you allow monsters like me the livestock we need for our sick, sick games.

(Camera cuts to dog, looking up at club with worry)

VICK: So if you want to stop bloodsport dogfighting, spay your animals today.

(VICK kneels to nuzzle dog playfully)

VICK: I'll be sad you did.

And... scene!

205 Drop: Top 11 Questions After Watching The NBA Playoffs This Weekend

Today's drop over at Editor Scrap's House Of Tits (admittedly, a less useful URL than what he uses) contains at least 30% new material from the omnibus NBA posts you've scrolled over this week, and it's short, so by all means, go and click. But I'm going to poach the #1 question here for a little more grist for the bloghole. (Oh, and longtime site readers know there's an extra Easter egg moment in the names of the photos. Today's is very nice for people who have suffered through enough Philadelphia media, and amuses me like no end when it creates site traffic for searches like Pervert Howard Eskin. But I digress.)

1) Why does Burger King want to sell kids' meals with cardboard asses?

There are, of course, reasons for this. Brand marketers want to do anything that gets them free impressions, of which both this post and the 205 drop are guilty, guilty, guilty. Whenever you can get people scolding you in public, that's almost always a plus in the long run, as it gets more young eyes thinking cool things about you. And finally and most regrettably, what they are doing with this campaign is perfectly in the wheelhouse of something that's made money in this country for my whole damn life: making us all think and buy (buy, buy, buy) like we're teenagers.

What is grafting sex on top of Spongebob, really, but a mocking teenage-style graffiti, maybe in a notebook or a school desk? What is adding tits and ass where they don't belong, but a nodding snigger to the back of the room?

I've got daughters, nine and three, and the speed in which people want my kids to grow up is astonishing, of course... but only to a certain point. If you get them to think about things to the point where they see the flim-flam show going on (and that's not a constant thing, but hopefully she's a little more aware of the con game than most), I think you're doing your job as a parent... rather than, say, keeping them totally isolated from this nonsense.

But there is, finally, this. I don't want my kids to see the ads that come on during my games (not that I really want to watch them either, but that's another matter). So on a very easy level, I don't really want my kids to watch games with me. So they don't. Despite liking Spongebob, and Burger King, and having parents that are not perfect when it comes to nutritional choices, and having a franchise within a mile of the house with a big damn Spongebob on the top of it that my youngest waves at when we drive by...

Well, we drive by. Nice brand marketing job there, asshats.

This Didn't Go Well

Boy, Yankee Fan sure knows how to chant and feel humiliated, don't they? Here's what happens when a giveaway goes wrong. Fun branding moment... and that was *before* the 10-2 pounding they took from the Indians.

In other news, RC Cola tried to give out tickets to a Natinals game, but despite having no soda or tickets, no chants. There's a philosophy joke here, which just goes to show you, no one likes philosophy jokes.

The UFL Are What We Thought They Were

Word on the wire last night that the UFL -- you remember the UFL, don't you? It was one of those things that insufferable idiot Mark Cuban was going on about -- is all set to start its first and last season this fall. You've got a four-team league in New York, Vegas, Orlando and San Francisco with name coaches (Jim Fassel, Dennis Green, Jim Haslett and Ted Cottrell).

They'll play on Thursday nights on Versus, also known as the channel that you don't watch the NHL on, have a six-game season, and wrap things up on Thanksgiving. They're also going to try to get noted dog-killer Michael Vick to join the festivities, just to give the train wreck watchers that will go to see this thing something juicy to heckle.

Now, say this for them... at least they've got name-brand coaches. I know that whenver I'm choosing to watch a new minor league during the busiest time in the sports calendar (seriously, you've got World Series games along with the NFL, NBA and NHL during this time, along with college football and, well, saving your money to get through Christmas), I want to know that it's being coached by someone who I'm familiar with for past spectacular failures. And with Denny Green on hand, we'll be sure to tune in for those post-game press conferences, just to see if the media (which is to say, three bloggers, two of them drunk) can get him to say his catch phrase, Gary Coleman-like.

Could they, say, have played their freaking games in the yawning six-month gap when the closest thing you get to NFL football is Mel Kiper Jr. and the same-old same-old coverage of Gosh, It's Hot In The Summer In A Training Camp? Hell no. Could they have rolled out more than four teams, and put them actually close together, so that they could tap into that good regional hate that people have for each other in the DC to Boston megalopolis? Nah, let's just do it in Orlando instead, which is Iowa City with heat and humidity. Personally, I can't wait to see the team names and logos, because with this amount of brain power shone to date, I think we're going to get something truly special. As in short bus special. (Oh, and nice timing with the economy on this. At least you won't have to fight the NHL for airtime, since that will probably be closing up shop by then anyway.)

Which leads me to the final three questions...

1) Can't you boys just admit that you're hoping to backdoor your way into an NFL expansion franchise now, rather than actually pretend that you're launching a legitimate enterprise?, and

2) Given that you're all showing about as much intellect and marketing acumen as the XFL -- hell, you're in the same exact cities! -- how, exactly, did you get to become millionaires again?

3) Will it lead to a new talking Cuban doll?

Harry Caray with the anti-ad

One suspects that Harry's real problem with the product is that he only had room for one Jack (i.e., Daniels) in his life...

Good PR Move, Nike

In my Ad Age today (sorry if the link gives you a firewall), this tidbit... Nike is getting into bed with murderer, thief, and George Bush enthusiast Don King to promote the upcoming foregone conclusion Roger Federer vs. Rafael Nadal match.

Um, tennis, Nike? You do realize that the guy you just hired is one of the biggest balls of filth on the planet, right? That he's taken the Fifth Amendment about his connections to the Gotti crime family? That rumors of jury tampering, realities of dozens of lawsuits from ex-clients, and the blood of at least two men is on his hands?

Oh, I know, all PR is good PR. Hey, you got this link, didn't you? And maybe you'll really hit the jackpot and have Federer or Nadel found over the body of a young boy, both naked except for their Nikes, and using the blood of the slain to paint a swoosh.

Then again, that probably won't be new to anyone who has been to your Third World factories.

Yay, PR!

Score one for the Lemur

As a proud tribesman of Blogfrica, I usually stand up for my brothers and sisters. Sure, we go for the cheap laugh, the hacky list... um, forget I said anything. But our hearts are in the right place, and so long as the Lemur is doing things like comparing college towns to major metropolises in some twerp-tastic pursuit to see who has more titles, I figure we're doing fine.

And then I see the images posted here, which I also found in way too many other places to count, and realize that we're all 12 years old. (Yes, it's an actual product, no, I don't know where you can get it, and yes, Dr. Dre is probably pissed off that he's not getting paid a royalty. I believe this exhausts all possible discussion on the topic.)

To be fair, the Lemur image from today is also wank fuel for self-hating closet types. But at least it's got something to do with, well, sports. (Though I suspect that both purveyors provide employment for people who think about touching themselves too much...)

Epic Drop: Top 10 Name Candidates for the new Oklahoma City NBA Team

Your link awaits, and I'm looking forward to someone getting really offended that I'm going to Tim McVeigh for comedy. Domestic terror always gives the giggle!

Show Me The Graft

You know the blog has hit the big time when we're on the radar of PR pros. Tragically misguided PR pros. This came over the transom yesterday...

Theatre Exile presents a return engagement of its hit show The Philly Fan by Bruce Graham, starring Tom McCarthy, and directed by Joe Canuso. A one-man tour-de-force in which two-time Barrymore Award winner Tom McCarthy takes audiences on a hilarious journey through the frustrations of the past fifty years of Philadelphia sports. This production is an in-your-face, tell-it-like-it-is romp through the memories of a hard core fan used to seeing sure-thing victories turn into “oh-my-God-they-blew-it” defeats. June 10-15 at The Playground at the Adrienne, 2030 Sansom Street. Tickets are $25 - $30 ($50 for the Opening Night Gala); call (215)922-4462 or visit www.ThePhillyFan.net

If you go, by all means mention FTT, and/or wear your Garment of Greatness. I'll be watching this show closely in preparation for my own one-man show, "Mr. Cranky Pants Writes In His Basement." It's a love story.

The Angriest Place On Earth

Even as the controversy surrounding Roger Clemens intensifies, the pitcher plans to attend an ESPN sponsored event at Disney World later this month. Representatives for Clemens late last week informed ESPN that he will stick to his scheduled promotional appearance over the weekend of Feb. 29-March 2.

Clemens was scheduled to serve as a top draw at "ESPN The Weekend" before the Mitchell Report was released in December that alleged he had used steroids multiple times--and the network began running an on-air spot promoting it. But the day the report came out, ESPN pulled the humorous ad, citing Clemens' role in a controversial news story. -- Media Post

I have this image in my head of the Rocket going from ride to ride as people clear out of lines, rather than meet His Terrible Gaze. Finally, he goes to the carnival prize games and forlornly pumps fastball after fastball into the milk jug game, but his command is off, so he "pulls a hamstring" and limps off as that ominous music from "There Will Be Blood" plays in the background. The carnie apologizes frantically, sobbing, trying to give the Rocket the biggest prize, but he refuses to take it. A week later, four bodies are found.

Memo to Advertisers and the NFL: People Really, Really Hate You

H/t, Wayne Friedman and MediaPost, emphasis mine:

KFC wants to give a big $260,000 donation to a charity if a New York Giants or New England Patriots pass receiver who scores a touchdown does the chicken dance -- one where the football player will flap his arms -- for at least three seconds in the end zone... The NFL is already pissed KFC is considering this ambush marketing without its approval, and is considering fines if any player even so much as lifts a elbow.

So, Dear Reader... who would you find more loathsome. The NFL player that's focused on pimping himself out (for charity, of course, for charity!), the "restaurant" chain that thinks that roided'up freaks doing a lame dance moves product for them, or the league that will fine the athlete into the fires of Hell for finding a way to whore themselves out without paying them first? You're both right!

Personally, I'm hoping that the Patriots and Giants all do the chicken dance before the opening kickoff, in a show of solidarity in whoredom. Then, light themselves on fire, to show that the chicken is, in fact, flame-broiled, and not fried. That'd move some product!

To the Ranting Street Preacher at My Train Station

And a cheery good morning to you, sir!

First off, I love the look and the tone you've got going -- truly, nothing quite says clear spiritual divinity like looking like a longshoreman and crack-of-dawn hectoring -- but I've got a few bones to pick with you.

First off, do you have any idea what kind of marketing gold that you've struck, bellowing as you do to hundreds of New York commuters every 20 minutes, and probably for a good couple of hours, assuming that my train is not the only one that's favored by your oratory?

I work in marketing, sir, and the amount of attention and eyeballs that you've grudgingly received is impressive, especially considering the prime zip codes that you are, um, servicing. By the time you are done with your morning pastime, you've probably reached well over two thousand of us, judging by the size of the parking lot. If you were to purchase that audience with direct mail, you'd spend a few bucks; radio, a few more. Prime time television on a hot show via local cable could up the ante a bit more. Pretty soon, we're talking real dollars. Even more than ad-supported blogs!

But what you do, with full sound and video, no fast-forward or skipping, and the only way to really avoid the message is to have an MP3 player, a strong ability to ignore the outside world or the sense to wait for the station in the warmth of the station, rather than out in the cold? That's got to be worth more. Much more.

And that's really the crux of the matter, isn't it? You're hitting us with a decidedly downmarket message. While it's true that we may in fact go to our eternal damnation before the end of the day if we don't open our hearts to whatever flavor of Messiah you happen to be peddling today... and your ability, perhaps, to inform us of the same point tomorrow or whenever else you come to favor us with a visit... well, it's just not playing to this area. That's why you stand on the other side of the platform, isn't it -- so that you have some distance from the cruel indifference that your art is subject to?

And I have to tell you, that's going to get worse. By not varying the message, the production values or the seasonality of your pitch, you are risking creative wearout. If you really want us to perk up our ears in the few minutes before the train shows up, maybe you should open with a joke. Here, I've got one for you, free of charge:

"Why did the commuters ignore the ranting lunatic across the train track?"

"To get to a spiritual place where they felt at peace with their souls and their maker, rather than becoming beholden to the random, ugly and mean-spirited gibberish that was on the other side."

Yeah, I know, probably too long. I'll punch it up later and re-post. How about this...

"What chance do the Giants have at going into Lambeau and beating the Packers for their third straight road playoff win?"

"The same chance that a person who seems to be homeless, self-medicated and lacking any sense of shame or self-consciousness has of being the true Voice of God."

That one's better, but my area is pretty split among Eagles and Giants fans, so we might have to talk about the presidential elections.

Anyway, I need to wrap this up before my readers tune me out from not getting something uplifting about the sporting life, but let me close with just one more suggestion -- advertising. I'm serious about that market penetration thing you've got going here. Would you consider wearing some article of clothing, perhaps, that shows that you're not just a bullying bellicose unpleasantry that the transit police should probably treat like your average hobo, but also a fan of, say, Timberland(R) or The North Face winter apparel? Maybe a mention or two about it. Or, given your predilection for the flames, some mention of how even Coppertone or Neutrogena sunblock won't save us from painful chafing and cracked and broken skin in the fires below. That kind of brand awareness is solid gold, baby!

(And if you'd prefer to keep it organic and local, I'd be more than happy to talk to you about wearing a Five Tool Tool T-shirt, and maybe treating your commuting audience to the latest that the site has to offer. Heck, I'd do it myself, but I've got, you know, I'm too close to the brand. It'd be like writing your own PR.)

Thank you, and happy pilgrimming!

Top 10 Other Ways That NBC's "Football Night In America" can help the environment

As part of a campaign to raise awareness, NBC cut the lighting down in its studios in last night's telecast, forcing the on-air talent to work in the dark. What other measures could the network consider to lessen its carbon footprint?

10. Cut the size of the on-air broadcast team down to 23

9. Have Tiki Barber quit on the environmental movement and trash talk its leaders

8. Switch the pre-game feed bag for Jerome Bettis and John Madden to a mix that causes fewer methane emissions

7. Mandate that each broadcaster slim down to Costas size

6. Switch the single watt bulb that the marketing department uses for ideas to a CFC

5. Convert Faith Hill's electrically powered microphone to an organic megaphone (much more footballish, too)

4. Hold the game during the day, so that we don't have to use all that lighting

3. Recycle video highlight banter (oh, wait, they are already doing that)

2. Use Peter King's output to aid the composting process

1. Cease to exist

Where's My Money?

Olympic athletes in low-wattage sports like badminton, kayaking, fencing and water polo are to appear in a series of ads for Bank of America--including posters in bank branches and online spots--before the Beijing Games in August. The perceived purity of smaller sports plays a big role in BOA's choices, says bank spokesman Joseph Goode. Many major sports have been beset by scandal.

Home Depot also has had a policy of hiring lesser-known Olympic hopefuls with full pay and benefits, while requiring them to work 20-hour weeks with schedules that allow flexibility for training. And Visa has made it a point to sponsor athletes in new medal sports, including women's pole vault and women's bobsled.

A bonus for marketers backing new or lesser-known sports is that athletes come cheaply. BOA says it pays them low five-figure sums. Paul Swangard, managing director of the University of Oregon's Warsaw Sports Marketing Center, calls BOAs approach "almost like a mutual-fund strategy"--picking a larger group of lesser-known athletes, which can yield a few stories that capture fans' attention.

The Wall Street Journal

A small note to anyone serious marketing types reading this (and there are some, if only for the fact that's what I do for a living)... if you are looking for a lesser-known Olympic hopeful who can keep his nose clean for that critical endorsement season, I'm your man. Besides, you can call me a badminton champion. Like anyone's going to know?

Quench Your Thirst With Seahawk Sweat

This story kind of boggles the mind and palate, but if it takes off, I can see many spin-off flavors... Lions Taint, Giants Flopsweat, Raiders Musk, etc.

And as always, I lament the fact that when Sprite had Kobe during AnalGate, it didn't do more with Obey Your Thirst. The opportunities were, um, endless.

Epic Drop: Throwback Menace

You are looking LIVE! at what your Philadelphia Eagles will be wearing this Sunday as they confront God's Concussed QB and the rest of the Detroit Football Lions. Your list of rejected throwback ideas is here, but just look at this thing for a minute, and wonder...

At some point, which NFL team just comes out in pure women's wear colors and stuff as their "throwback" / "special commemorative" jersey, just to make a quick and greasy buck from the merch sales? As a father of little girls, I've already seen them receive the pink Eagles jerseys (they love 'em, of course)...

Thank You, Oh Lord, For Giving Us A Regular Season NFL Game: Top 11 Stories That Can Now Go Away

Normally, we are a hidebound traditionalist about NFL Football. We want it to happen at 1 and 4pm EST on Sunday, with a single Monday Night game. All other times are stupid, irritating, screw up our pools and make us think that the world is going to hell in a handbasket, I tells ya.

Having said that, Five Tool Tool is happy to embrace our NFL Overlords in just another 12 hours or so, for the simple fact that with an actual GAME to cover, we MAY be spared any of the following items being discussed tomorrow.

Saints vs. Colts. And all I can say is, thank God the game isn't in New Orleans, because then the following list wouldn't go to 11.

1) Brett Favre's Retirement

2) Peter King's Personal Life

3) Tiki Barber's Relationship With The NY Giants

4) Gregg Easterbrook's Desire To Wank While Looking At Cheerleaders

5) John Madden's Thanksgiving Dinner Plans

6) Jimmy Johnson's Hair Regimen

7) Terrell Owens' Current Threat Level (see right; we're in Yellow)

8) Michael Vick's NFL Future

9) Pac Man Jones' Wacky / Disturbing / Self-Destructive Antics

10) New Orleans' Special Relationship With The Saints

11) NBC's Relentless Propaganda Campaign for Sunday Night Football (NO! DAMMIT! THEY GOT ME TO WRITE ABOUT THEM AGAIN!)

The Epic Drop: NFL v. Photographers

Today's top 10 chucklefest involves future moves by the NFL to make life miserable for those uppity photographers. And just because they don't want to wear a vest that looks like what I had to wear as a minimum wage security guard back in college. Pussies!

Top 10 Rejected Fat Head Spin-Off Products

10. Big Ass

9. Huge Nostrils

8. Oversized Feet

7. Distended Abs

6. Elongated Hips

5. Sore Lip

4. Hairy\Palm

3. Freakish Ear

2. Oversized Teeth

1. Even Fatter Head

(And if you don't know what we're talking about... we don't believe you, but play the video anyway. No 12-year-old boy with confused sexuality should be without one.)

New Jersey Transit: Where Bad Sports Fashion Choices Live

Seen, in the last week, on my commute...

1) A guy wearing a New York Hitmen hat.

Yes, the last man in America to wear XFL gear. Wonder if there's a sub-Saharan village that's decked out in San Francisco Demon gear?

2) Two very obese guys, in their late '30s, wearing Jose Reyes and David Wright Mets jerseys.

The slightly less rotund one, being the speedier or the two, had the Reyes gamer. I'm betting he plays shortstop on his softball team.

3) A borderline homeless guy wearing a STARBURY jersey.

I checked to be sure. Not actually Starbury.