The UFL Are What We Thought They Were

Word on the wire last night that the UFL -- you remember the UFL, don't you? It was one of those things that insufferable idiot Mark Cuban was going on about -- is all set to start its first and last season this fall. You've got a four-team league in New York, Vegas, Orlando and San Francisco with name coaches (Jim Fassel, Dennis Green, Jim Haslett and Ted Cottrell).

They'll play on Thursday nights on Versus, also known as the channel that you don't watch the NHL on, have a six-game season, and wrap things up on Thanksgiving. They're also going to try to get noted dog-killer Michael Vick to join the festivities, just to give the train wreck watchers that will go to see this thing something juicy to heckle.

Now, say this for them... at least they've got name-brand coaches. I know that whenver I'm choosing to watch a new minor league during the busiest time in the sports calendar (seriously, you've got World Series games along with the NFL, NBA and NHL during this time, along with college football and, well, saving your money to get through Christmas), I want to know that it's being coached by someone who I'm familiar with for past spectacular failures. And with Denny Green on hand, we'll be sure to tune in for those post-game press conferences, just to see if the media (which is to say, three bloggers, two of them drunk) can get him to say his catch phrase, Gary Coleman-like.

Could they, say, have played their freaking games in the yawning six-month gap when the closest thing you get to NFL football is Mel Kiper Jr. and the same-old same-old coverage of Gosh, It's Hot In The Summer In A Training Camp? Hell no. Could they have rolled out more than four teams, and put them actually close together, so that they could tap into that good regional hate that people have for each other in the DC to Boston megalopolis? Nah, let's just do it in Orlando instead, which is Iowa City with heat and humidity. Personally, I can't wait to see the team names and logos, because with this amount of brain power shone to date, I think we're going to get something truly special. As in short bus special. (Oh, and nice timing with the economy on this. At least you won't have to fight the NHL for airtime, since that will probably be closing up shop by then anyway.)

Which leads me to the final three questions...

1) Can't you boys just admit that you're hoping to backdoor your way into an NFL expansion franchise now, rather than actually pretend that you're launching a legitimate enterprise?, and

2) Given that you're all showing about as much intellect and marketing acumen as the XFL -- hell, you're in the same exact cities! -- how, exactly, did you get to become millionaires again?

3) Will it lead to a new talking Cuban doll?

Pipe Dream

Mark Cuban announced on his blog Blog Maverick that he and a few other “smart people” are investigating the idea of creating another professional football league, the UFL. He points out his feeling that demand outweighs supply for this product and there is room for another professional football league. My first reaction was he’s probably right. Until I kept reading to discover that he wants to compete against the NFL.

Here’s a quick recap of how he sees it:

1. The NFL needs competition so regulators don’t look at them as a monopoly. Nice try Mark. I’m sure the NFL will agree that they want/need competition and not try to crush your league. Just ask the World Football League, the USFL and the XFL.

2. Wants to fill the league with players picked in lower rounds and older players who have been cut for salary cap reasons. Wow – sounds like some pretty good talent to go watch. I guess he wants the UFL to be the Wal-Mart of sports leagues – “Everyday low prices at the UFL!”

3. There are large markets in the U.S. that currently do not have NFL teams that would love a professional team. There are also a lot of people who would love to date Jessica Alba. But setting them up with her sister is nice, but it’s still not Jessica Alba. And looking at the top 25 cities that currently don’t have football teams you get – LA, San Antonio, Columbus, Austin, Memphis and El Paso. So those would be your top 6 markets to start the UFL. And where would these teams play? Sun Bowl Stadium? The Citrus Bowl? A bunch of old, crappy stadiums because an owner of a team isn’t going to build a new stadium for the UFL.

4. Play games in the fall on Friday nights. Reading this makes me wonder if he’s been sitting around with Ricky Williams brainstorming ideas on how the UFL will work. Big problem here on many levels:

• You’re going to try to compete directly with the NFL during their season. You don’t have the marketing dollars to do this.


• Friday night in the fall for 75% of the country revolves around high school football. It’s big. Probably too big, but it’s big. Have you not heard of this? You live in Texas for God’s sake. There is a book and TV show with the same name, “Friday Night Lights” about high school football on Friday nights. Get a clue Cuban.


• Guys would rather hook on with an NFL team, even if it’s the practice squad with the hope of working their way into the lineup, then go play for the Memphis Federal Express or the Old El Paso Zesty Fiestas. You move this to the spring and you have a better chance.

The craziest part of this is Cuban wanting to create a league to compete with/rival the NFL. That just isn’t going to happen. Creating a minor league (and really that is what the UFL is) that doesn't try and go head to head with the NFL gives you a much stronger chance. Create a partnership with the NFL where you work together instead of against them is a clearer path.

But in the meantime Mark, continue the brainstorming with Ricky. Pass the Dutchie on the left hand side...