Epic Drop: Top 10 Real Reasons Why Bobby Petrino Quit on the Falcons

Your list is here, and I'd say more, but I just got a contract offer from another blog, so I'm off like a prom dress. Don't wait up.










(I keed, I keed....)

Thank You, Oh Lord, For Giving Us A Regular Season NFL Game: Top 11 Stories That Can Now Go Away

Normally, we are a hidebound traditionalist about NFL Football. We want it to happen at 1 and 4pm EST on Sunday, with a single Monday Night game. All other times are stupid, irritating, screw up our pools and make us think that the world is going to hell in a handbasket, I tells ya.

Having said that, Five Tool Tool is happy to embrace our NFL Overlords in just another 12 hours or so, for the simple fact that with an actual GAME to cover, we MAY be spared any of the following items being discussed tomorrow.

Saints vs. Colts. And all I can say is, thank God the game isn't in New Orleans, because then the following list wouldn't go to 11.

1) Brett Favre's Retirement

2) Peter King's Personal Life

3) Tiki Barber's Relationship With The NY Giants

4) Gregg Easterbrook's Desire To Wank While Looking At Cheerleaders

5) John Madden's Thanksgiving Dinner Plans

6) Jimmy Johnson's Hair Regimen

7) Terrell Owens' Current Threat Level (see right; we're in Yellow)

8) Michael Vick's NFL Future

9) Pac Man Jones' Wacky / Disturbing / Self-Destructive Antics

10) New Orleans' Special Relationship With The Saints

11) NBC's Relentless Propaganda Campaign for Sunday Night Football (NO! DAMMIT! THEY GOT ME TO WRITE ABOUT THEM AGAIN!)

Top 10 Losers In The Michael Vick Scandal

10. The Falcons. Starting with the money they might not get back and moving to the Matt Schaub in Houston problem, this is going to hurt for a while. It might be quicker than many anticipate, due to the fast turn of the league and the fact that getting out from under Vick's unique skills may be a help... but there's going to be tens of thousands of empty seats and no chance at the playoffs. The Harrington Era will not be long.

9. The NFL. Not enough to actually cut into the rampaging popularity of the league -- let's face it, there's pro football and then there is everything else in the American sports market right now -- but this isn't good. Atlanta's going to go back to being a weak franchise, and that's a large television market.

8. The Lakers. With Vick going off the table in the next 24 to 48 hours, attention will go back to the biggest wildcard on the table, which is the multi-divorcing Kobe Bryant.

7. PETA. Vick was a gold-plated gift from the PR gods for this organization, who had to see a spike in donations and media coverage from this sad little circus. Several more weeks and the chance to generate a truly large rally would have, secretly, suited them just fine.

6. Nike. Not that football is the biggest shoewear mover, or that Vick can't be replaced, and quickly, with a fresh face. But make no mistake: this has Harmed The Brand, and if you're in marketing, you know that you just don't do that. They cost too much to build and can disappear in days.

5. The federal government. Possibly the only entity that got off light in the whole sordid mess, the airtight prosecutorial effort was able to get every defendant to roll over and plead. For every person you hear that says that government can't do anything right... have them volunteer for a grand jury indictment.

4. ESPN. The World Wide Lemur gets to move away from actual journalism and back to another two weeks of timewaste. But it was good for them while it lasted.

3. Racial card players. Had Vick fought the charges, he would have fit right into the whole undercurrent of black/white suspicions. But now that he's copped a plea, most will walk away from him with speed. Al Sharpton is wiping away tears.

2. Pundits. From Bill O'Reilly to Deion Sanders, Vick has been the wind beneath many a gasbag wing. They are going to miss him.

1. Bloggers. He gave us so much, really. Photoshops by the score. Dramatically wrong YouTube clips. Cheap heat columns to play Devil's Advocate. And now, finally, this list.

Mr. McMahon: The King Of All Sports

(Forbes Magazine) STAMFORD, Conn. - WWE Inc. reported 52 percent drop in profits in the second quarter

(Hollywood Reporter) A glitch in Nielsen Media Research equipment led to lower-than-normal ratings for USA Network for five days last week. ... This past week's "Raw" episode showed a dramatic drop from a 3.4 household rating to a 2.5 rating, according to Nielsen Media Research.

You know, I started down the path on this post of talking about Chris Benoit and the unreal PR moves that the WWE did in the wake of the event, and how I think we're six months away from implosion (defined as cancellation of some of their television properties).

But then it struck me -- the real reason why the WWE is struggling is overexposure, and not of its own product. More so, this -- all sports is the WWE now.

Don't believe me? Let's go to the videotape. Has the WWE:

1) Ever fashioned a "heel turn" that matches Mike Vick in effectiveness?

2) Had a more hissable villain on top of its rankings than Barry Bonds?

3) Seen its champions stripped of their belts in mid-reign in unbelievable scandal, like this year's Tour de France?

4) Created a more biased ref than the NBA's Tim Donaghy?

5) Had its commissioner look like more a bumbling idiot than Bud Selig in his herculean Bonds monitoring?

So it's no wonder Vince McMahon blew the Benoit killings. He's too busy running every other league to make sure his own is OK. I hope they're paying him royalties.

When You Care Enough To Use Your Thumbs

In the middle of a jaw-dropping story about protests *for* Michael Vick, this little nugget of joy:

On the West Coast, former Falcons coach Jim Mora said he has given Vick moral support in a text message Wednesday.

You see what Mora does here? He does the lowest possible form of communication -- ephemeral text messaging -- to reach the guy who killed him at his last job.

What's the matter Jim, couldn't find a "Sorry You've Been Indicted" card at the Hallmark store?

With my flabber being gasted this badly, I'm just rolling the clip that sums up the over-30 mindset towards texting in general. The voice is...



Samuel L. Jackson. Ah, satisfaction.

Disturbingly Sexy Epic Drop

Click on over to see the Top 10 Justifications for Mike Vick's (Alleged) Actions. Along with our very flimsy rationale for using this little image.

Our Main Weapons Include Fear, Surprise, and Abject Stupidity

We realize, of course, that it's damn near required by law to discuss The Big Story in sports today -- the tragic but not terribly surprising downfall of a young black quarterback that looked so good, so little time ago.

We're talking, of course, about Daunte Culpepper, released by the Miami Dolphins, because they went out and got themselves Trent Green. Let that sink in for a little while -- they think so little of your talents that they bring in a guy that's positively ancient by NFL standards, with several years of decline despite always having an outstanding running game, who doesn't have nearly the same physical gifts nor draft pedigree...

Oh, you mean there was another QB Immolation yesterday, too?

Yes, the other paw finally dropped in the Mike Vick Cares More About Dog Fighting Than Wealth or Freedom case. A federal grand jury has indicted the southpaw QB (get it? Southpaw! I kill dogs!), asserting all manner of deeds that, once learned, can never be unlearned.

Even by modern athlete standards, Vick's self-inflicted flameout to his career staggers the mind. We're talking about a guy that was a video game come to life, a player who took a dome team into Green Bay and won a playoff game, and the greatest runner ever to play the quarterback position.

OK, he wasn't accurate or durable, and he probably was always better in video games or fantasy leagues... but to go from one of the five most marketable players in (perhaps) the world's most marketable sport to a guy looking at many *years* in the federal hole is just amazing. Don't discount the idea that he'll do time, either. Since Vick made the tactical mistake of not being in the Bush Administration, convictions may actually have consequences.

And for what, really? A taboo thrill. An indecent bloodlust. Combined with gambling. Beyond the sickness of it all, there's also rank stupidity. Do your weirdness in your '40s, no one would notice or care, and you'd probably have more money to buy your Island or Dr. Moreau anyway.

The Falcons, as soon as this freak show gets in their rear view mirror, are the prime candidates for the Nobody Expected This Good Year -- especially since Vick isn't actually a plus quarterback. Since this is football, they won't even take much of a cap hit from this.

And our final word on all this... did anyone have Mike as the Vick Brother to go to the Big House first? Because that bet had to pay off like a Chihuahua pulling off a win against a Doberman. (It's not the size of the dog in the fight, as they say.)

Update -- Turns out that if the Falcons trade or release him, it's $15 million against their cap. What a poison pill this is.

Falcons Update

Yesterday afternoon the news media attempted to get the reaction of Atlanta Falcons fans to the indictment of Michael Vick. Unfortunately, neither of them were available for comment.