Top 12 reasons why the Bengals are staying with Marvin Lewis

12) If they didn't give him a new deal, he was going to atomize the stadium with his Illudium PU-36 Explosive Space Modulator

11) Only way to continue to give the memory of Chris Henry the respect it deserves

10) Going to two playoff games in eight years makes him, sigh, one of the best coaches in the franchise's history

9) Know that no other coach would have stood for the whole Terrell Owens / Chad Ochocinco Experience without multiple homocides

8) By keeping him in place, they increase the chances for Cedric Benson to continue to avoid boating while drunk

7) One of these years, he's sure to actually remember all of those things that he used to know when he was a defensive genius in Baltimore

6) Kind of feel bad for having stuck him with matching useless Palmer QBs

5) It's not as if the world is filled with credible head coach candidates who want to work in Porkopolis

4) They've been better than Cleveland with Marvin at the helm, and that's really all that matters

3) Now that he's set the record for most coaching losses in franchise history, they feel that all of the pressure will be off

2) They can spend the money they won't give to Lewis to think about hiring scouts or building a covered practice facility, since thinking is free

1) The franchise is really hoping for a lockout anyway, so hiring a new coach just seems silly