A Brief And Simple Plea To Football Announcing Teams, Or An Action Plan To Solve The Problem

Hey, top guys at the network? You know how you really, really hate it when the game you are covering in Week 17, or the college bowl game that turns out to be less than important, gets into the part where you can't help but share your opinion with us about your kids, or some football celebrity, or some other entirely different game or franchise or food item or sartorial choice of the sideline reporter?

Well, here's a very small secret. More of a statement of fact, really. One that I'm sure that you aren't aware of, since you seem to make this move every year around this time of the reason.

The real football fans, the ones that watch every telecast and pay attention to what you are saying because they are kind of lifelong junkies who care too much about the games? You know, that incredibly hard to reach, overwhelmingly male, fairly high income, low tolerance for advertising types who, when they make a purchase, tend to go five figures and up for a truck, investment package, etc.? And own lots of guns in the heartland of the country, and probably think too much about the game for anyone's safety?

Well, they really, really hate you in those moments.

I mean, hate.

Fantasize about torture porn hate. Contemplate the shrines that would be built in their honor in dark and lovely bars where ladies' night never happens for putting a high-caliber bullet into your shoulder blades hate. Laugh at your blow-dried heads when someone with liquid courage relieves himself into a cup, so he can go European Soccer Fan on your broadcast booth Hate.

Because, you see, we actually *care* about the game we're watching. We want to know if the practice squad safety who hasn't appeared in a game, ever, might actually have a clue on defending the tight end. We desperately care if the reserve corner looks like he can stay with a starting WR, since our starting corners are less than lockdown. We will happily watch four quarters of backup QB, because we know that the starter is a single bad play away from putting us in the backup's tender mercies.

Just assume, for the sake of argument, that if we've gifted you with our presence, it's because we want to watch the game. And we'd be watching the game if you weren't on it. And that there is not a single person in the viewing audience who would have their choice of View Or Not View impacted in any possible way by your presence. We've endured far worse for a game.

So here's a small word of advice. It's a long season. You deserve some time off near the end of the season, same as the players. Give up your Week 17 game to some j-school honk who would sell his mother for a chance to get some game tape of Kevin Kolb and Clay Harbor. Or just stay home and pretend you are ill, or that you care about your trophy wife or mistress giving birth, or that you've got to be somewhere to honor a fallen teammate or build a house for a homeless person or whatever. We'll all hate you a lot less, the coverage of the game won't make decent fans spit, and the Harbors of the world can show their kids a game tape later of what it was like when their Dad played in a real game with real announcers and real fans where everyone actually paid attention.

You know, like it was a game that people had paid money to see or watch.

And if that's too much to ask?

Well, there's always our hope for Unhinged Gunman. And a crowd of people at your funeral, chatting and eating and watching something else on their cell phone, rather than paying attention to what is going on.

After all, it's how you would have wanted it, right?