I feel much safer now

Seconds Before Reach Around

Today's moment of Blood Pressure Rising comes from CSN Philly and NBC Phila- delphia, who decided to report that the Eagles are implementing a league-wide recommendation to further limit the kinds of things you can bring to a game. With a straight face, and we have to presume, a significant amount of lube.

First, the news, Now, you can't bring a bag that's bigger than your hand, coolers, backpacks, fanny packs, cinch bags, all luggage, seat cushions, computer bags and camera bags.

Why the sudden crackdown? Public safety! Certainly not to grind an extra sawbuck or two from the captive audience that has their stuff confiscated! And to make sure that no one can ever go to a game after work with a laptop, since that's just clearly a spectacular security risk, and something that a wide number of people, well, do every damn day. Or to get people to do the calculus of sitting in bad old seats (I'm looking at you, Green Bay) or buying or renting eight seat cushion a year. That's fun.

(By the way, my outrage and disgust for this nonsense is totally for your benefit, in that I don't ever actually carry anything into a game. Historically, maybe a laptop from work. But you can avoid that if you plan ahead. Baseball would be a lot more annoying. But I'm getting sidetracked; just take away that none of this affects me, and my bile is pure.)

I'd also like to take a moment here to thank NBC for carrying the Eagles and the NFL's water and buying the safety and speed through security excuse. Because there's been such an outbreak of trouble for years now about what fans bring to games, as opposed to, you know, buying stuff at the game to throw on the field.

There's also this: the security folks that I've ran into at stadiums make you long for the speed and efficiency of the TSA. If you give those people less to do, they won't do their jobs any faster, mostly because they are going to be taking more and more stuff away. That generally doesn't go quickly, since each person who runs afoul of the Stasi is then going to have that 5-stage of loss experience as they try to determine whether they can leave it behind or miss the game. Good, good times!

Now, not to make things seem too draconian, they will allow clear plastic bags, one gallon clear freezer bags, and small clutch bags (with or without a handle, so, you know, go crazy on that). And exceptions will be made for medically necessary items. So I suppose if you've got a spinal condition and a note from your doctor, maybe you can bring a seat cushion after all.

And maybe something else to go with that spinal condition, like glaucoma or stress (from living in an increasingly hateful world where your interest in seeing a live NFL game just makes you an all-day target for the most rapacious money-grubbers this side of a casino or amusement park)...

Well, maybe there is a way to get over being angry about these new rules after all?