Why Ichiro Is Awesome, Part #8063

I don't know if these quotes are legit, or if it's just that the man has a mischievous translator, but the world needs to hear more of the comedy stylings of Ichiro, the star outfielder for those moribund Mariners. (Ever notice how moribund is only ever used by hacky sportswriters reaching for alliteration? I'd say more about this, but it's a rainy day list idea for the Carnival.)

After Friday’s error-filled loss to the previously puttering (see? Alliteration!) Yankees, Suzuki told Seattle reporters that the team seemed to be falling apart.

"If I was objectively watching this team and what’s been happening, I’d be drinking a lot of beer and booing," he said.

Somehow, I suspect he'd also be doing some kind of rhythmic yoga as he did it, so that he could drink more beer, more quickly than anyone else....