Your Anti-Draft Rant

It actually hurts me to not be able to watch this. I value my football knowledge; I read a lot about it, watch as much as I can, usually do pretty well in my roto pursuits. And yet, every year the draft comes around, and I feel like I'm watching a telethon for the Get A Life Foundation.

Here's the thing. When I'm watching a game, I can affect the outcome with the sheer power of my mind. You can, too, of course -- otherwise, why would we all yell at the television so much, or develop our bizarre little secret totem moves when the team needs a good outcome? Like you're the only person who has a special place to sit, or an activity that needs to be done to change the luck. And no, I'm not going to tell which of you need to stop watching the games entirely, because when you watch, they always lose. You know who you are.

But with the draft, no one has any clue which of these guys will be good, in many cases for years. You can pretend, of course, and make good sneering derisive comments based on the relative lack of intellect the organization has shown in the past. It wasn't going out on a limb for anyone, say, to bury the Dolphins for Ted Ginn Jr. last year; the first round is not the place for overrated college WRs with bad routes and bodies, unless, of course, you are Matt Millen. So all of those affect the event with your mind and attention things? Gone.

Plus, um, no actual ball being played, at a time when actual ball is being played. Important ball, even. People who only watch and like football are like people who only like and drink beer. I can admire your devotion, but when there's no beer left, I'm still getting drunk on wine and liquor, while you are waiting six months for another beer. Sucks to be you, guy. Why don't you drink some of this NBA wine or this MLB liquor?

But getting back to the NFL Draft Day viewing investment... if you root for a specific guy to be picked by your team, doesn't it even suck worse when he tanks?

Other teams have blown picks. Eagle Fans have Mike Mamula. The reason why he's so memorable? Because so many of us were excited about him back before we realized what a homeless man's Charles Haley he was. You think all of those jerseys were sold from game action or racism? Well, sure on the latter, but we don't get there without hearing about his freakish workouts.

Me, I never watched the draft. So I was able to turn on Mamula faster, without a hint of remorse. I also wasn't out the hours of draft day coverage, months of pre-training camp hope, or scratch for his cursed jersey. (And yes, yes, I know that he wasn't that bad, and that the Eagles have made much worse boneheaded first round picks; I remember Keith Allen and Bernard Williams, when the organization decided that the best way to use a first round picks were on rapists and pot smokers. Good times.)

Last point: I get why draft lovers are here. It's the only thing that's even tangentially related to football for six long months. You know what would fix that? A professional league, in this country, playing by the same rules, in the spring. But I've already written the USFL posts before, so click on that tag if you want to read how nostalgic and old I am....