Today, I Become A National Hero

As everyone on the planet knows, the Patriots are undefeated and appear to be the most serious threat to have the first perfect NFL season in 35 years. The sports blogosphere has been awash in bounties, and this blog has been up front and center with the clear point that they've been running up the score, and will some day pay for it.

None of it has done a thing to stop the Juggernaut, unless you want to take their single failure to cover the spread last week as some kind of victory. And with a late season bye this week and more players getting healthy, and the Celtics becoming world-beaters and the Red Sox winning another championship...

Well, something needs to be done to stop Boston. Something drastic. Something... heroic.

And Nation, I am just that kind of hero.

Blog commenter California Mookie pointed out to me earlier today that the birth of FTT coincides perfectly with the downfall of the Eagles. When the blog started in January, the rest of the NFC East was in shambles, the Eagles were on their way to New Orleans to battle the Saints, and Andy Reid's kids were not (quite? yet?) a national punchline. In our 10+ months of operation, everything has turned. An easy link can be made.

I am, of course, an Eagles fan. And also, for the record, a Sixers and A's fan. So in this century, that just means dramatic playoff pain, squandered talent, bad trades, and being close, but not good enough. I'll even go one further: I canvassed thousands of people for John Kerry in 2004, and even gave him money. (Any time you want to return that, John, is fine with me. Prick.) The Dems have done fine since 2004, but only because I've stayed clear.

Clearly, my support is toxic. (Hell, look at my below .500 NFL picks.) And that level of toxicity is even greater than the usual Philly Fan strain. It even stopped the A's cold in their tracks, and that's a team that has the third-most World Championships in MLB.

My fandom is such a force for defeat that only one force can withstand it.

Or truly, truly deserve it.

The Patriots.

So, my fellow Massterminds -- I'm on your bandwagon, and I'm not getting off until the job is done. (And no, Nation, this is *NOT* a Costanza Moment. How DARE you question my sincerity in this.)

You've all been right all along. I was wicked pissah drunk for those 10 months of writing mean things about My Fellow Patriot Fans. You should just take this admission as proof of your incredible greatness. The world doesn't respect you enough. I've seen the light. I'm joining the congregation, singing in the choir, and messing with that altar boy that looks like Peter King. Body and Blood of Belichick? Mmm, tasty!

From here on for the rest of the season. I'm taking the Pats with the points every game. Any spread, any game. More than that -- I will actually give *more* points than the spread, and not count the win in my calculations unless Our Boys cover that increased number. THAT is truly special fandom.

I will outhomer and outsmug Bill Simmons. I will develop an accent. First person pronoun use when talking about Our Team? *WE* are so there. Ancient slights turned into outrageous justifications for everything we do? THE RAIDERS CHEATED IN THE '70s. Steve Grogan never got a ring. The Bears ran up the score 20+ years ago. Whatever it takes. Cute nicknames that show my unspoken but barely subconscious desire to be the meat in a Patriot prison sammich? Grease me up like a Scotsman, New England. HOW D'YA LIKE THEM APPLES? AAAHHHHHH!

WHEN *WE* WIN, I will continue to talk the talk and bet the walk. The Patriots over the spread pick is going to be with us all for a very, very long time -- perhaps forever. Just like Coach, and Tommy (oh, Tommy), Randy, Tedy, and Vraby. (And oh, how could I forget Wes? So many choices!)

I'm on board with your -- sorry, OUR -- conspiracy theories about NFL refs trying to cheat US, the Colts piping in crowd noise, every other team in the NFL doing things much worse than Spygate despite a lack of proof, and that the hate that has been created is all just jealousy, or proof of the New York / Indianapolis Media Bias. Don Shula and the '73 Dolphins are the ones that deserve the asterisk. They had a freaking cupcake schedule that year. Nothing like the AFC East gauntlet that WE are running this year.

Any crying you want to do about anything, I'm down. In fact, I'm going to even add some for you. Here's one: in the event of a forfeit in the NFL, the score that goes into the books is 1-0 for the non-forfeiting party. Will Ultimate Jerkoff And Judas Iscariot Level Betrayer Eric Mangini forfeit the Jets game in New England later this year? I BET HE WILL, THAT FREAKING BASTAHDDD!

This also means I will now abuse anyone who isn't on board with US. Hey, Patriot Haters? Why don't you just go to another country already? See that name? PATRIOTS. That means *WE* love our country, and *you* don't. Maybe you love France. And Bin Laden. Neither of which are any good at AMERICAN football.

Saddle up, Chowds. I'm with you all the way. Together, we'll get it done. Promise.