Sunday, November 11, 2007

Patriots Uber Alles

My fellow Tools,

On Thursday, November 8th, I announced my Ascension to Masstermind Status by joining the Patriot Bandwagon. In case you missed it, click here.

In that announcement, I promised something to you all:

I will outhomer and outsmug Bill Simmons.
Well, clearly the Sports Guy reads FTT, or has it read to him by some ESPN employee. Because just yesterday, he upped the ante to truly epic levels, by devoting over 3,500 words in his picks column (in which nothing was actually written about this week's NFL games) to his contention that last week's Patriot *win* was the clearest case of the NFL trying to fix the game for the Colts.

He did so by, I am not making this up, comparing the game to the sports movie "Victory", in which crooked Nazi referees try to help the Nazi soccer team win.

I would link to this, really, but I am afraid that those many words of pure genius would hurt your eyesight with their sheer brilliance. Truly, I had a hard time getting through them all myself, and I am a Trained Professional and True Masstermind.

Anyway... let me be the first to start the slow, respectful clap for you on this one, Bill. I think every Masstermind is impressed by your willingness to link the Colts to Nazism, and to make the calls in a *win* so aggravating that you're still holding a torch for it a week later. (Also, in a week where your wife gives birth to your second child and first son. Truly, sir, your commitment and priorities are beyond reproach.)

As an Eagles' fan, I've known obsessive fandom, but in my history, we've always just been happy to have a win, so much so that the calls were almost instantly forgotten. You know, because we were too happy to have the victory, and grateful for our team prevailing.

As a Masstermind, I'm now realizing that this standard is for losers. It's not good enough to win. It's not even good enough to cover the spread. The only outcome that is now good enough is the complete and utter destruction of the National Football League.

This may sound harsh or over the top to you non-Massterminds, but hear me out. The only way that all of you will (a) join us as Patriot fans, and (b) ensure that the lesser fans of lesser teams never again prevail is to ensure that the Patriots never, ever lose or fail to cover the spread again -- which is to say, end football as we know it. (After all, at some point, God will call Coach home to take over for that wussy slacker Jesus, and at that point there is bound to be an adjustment loss or two for the new Coach.)

Here's how it will happen.

1) WE Win out for the rest of the year and playoffs. Duh.

2) Next, WE add the best player in the college draft next year with OUR high draft pick from the Niners. (You know, the one that the NFL didn't take away from us FOR NO GOOD REASON.)

3) THEN, WE win every pre-season game in 2008 and play OUR starters for all four quarters, so that WE win by 60+ points every week. It's going to be important to set the tone early. WE will have no need to worry about any of our players being injured, because Coach will tell God not to let that happen, and God always does what Coach says.

4) In 2008, WE go 19-0 again, by even greater margins than 2007, and with even more outlandish run it up tendencies. If the Patriots kickoff in a non-onside manner, punt, allow a point against, or have a drive that fails to results in a touchdown, WE will have failed to achieve TRUE PERFECTION. (If this standard seems unreasonable, you are a loser, and probably someone who doesn't obsess about the officiating after your team wins and your wife gives birth.)

5) In 2009, win all 23 games again in the same fashion as 2008, but with more plays where our defense scores a touchdown. Shutouts aren't going to be enough anymore.

By the time 2009 ends, NFL games will have all of the drama of watching an elephant crush the heads of the condemned, and some of the lesser teams in the league will surely be having attendance issues. The television ratings will also probably be in the toilet, too, and with the make-backs from the networks to the advertisers and the drop in merchandise sales for all non-Patriots apparel, the league will be on the brink of collapse.

At this point, the Patriots will deliver the final blow by announcing that they are leaving the NFL for a task that provides more of a challenge to them. The team will then transition to an elite anti-terrorism force all over the world. You know, kind of like "The A-Team", but with more killing. Lots more killing. Because if you think Coach runs up the score now, you should see what he does when there's an actual body count.

Have I also mentioned that Coach will get to decide who's a terrorist, and who isn't? Oh. Well, now I have. And frankly, with the most-read sports site on the Net stating that the Colts are just the same as the Nazis in a movie, I wouldn't be sleeping too soundly if I were, say, Peyton Manning. Or a fan of Peyton Manning.

Then, and only then, will Coach and the Patriots have delivered The Final Solution to the NFL problem.

Now, if you will all join me in a strong, manly salute to the Patriots. Just raise your right arm in tribute, and don't bend it -- because WE are the Patriots. WE don't bend, or show weakness, or lose. EVER AGAIN. NFL WITHOUT END. JOIN US OR DIE.

Thank you. Good night, and Coach Bless.

4 comments:

Tracer Bullet said...

So if the Colts are Nazis, are the Patriots the Soviets? Will there be pogroms of the league's many agents, attorneys and accountants? Forced emigration to Football Siberia (aka Buffalo)? Of course, the analogy falls down becuase Belicihik, while certainly willing to slaughter 20 million and forcing millions of others into re-education camps , lacks Stalin's savoir fair. Until he learns the value of a well-tailored suit and grows a sexy moustache (developing an appreciation for vodka wouldn't hurt either), the Coach will never measure up to the Dictator.

DMtShooter said...

Football Siberia at least has a winning team and nice stadium. In terms of unlivable + bad football, give me Atlanta as a worse location any day.

As for the Patriots, TB, AMERICANS opposed the Nazis. No one else. PATRIOTIC Americans.

But if you want to talk monsters, it's just sad that you never hear anyone compare anybody to Stalin or Mussolini; it's always Hitler this, Nazi that. And Big Joe has the Stache beaten badly on the numbers. Can't a relentless paranoid and strong contender to the title of History's Greatest Monster get a little love? (Meanwhile, Pol Pot is convinced this is all about racism.)

Tracer Bullet said...

No doubt. Pol Pot, Idi Amin, Papa Doc. They don't have the numbers, but for sheer creativity, they have it all over those crackers.

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