One second to douchebaggery

As a thought exercise, I flipped on sports radio yesterday about 2:20 p.m. to see how long it would take before the seething cauldron of rage that is Philadelphia Fan would raise his ugly head. I knew the meatheads would use the most exciting ending to a Super Bowl that didn't involve Joe Montana as an excuse to bash the home squad and especially the much-put upon Donovan McNabb, but I wanted to see just how long it would take for the stupid to burn through my car speakers.

I first went to 610WIP, repository of all things mouth-breathing and anti-McNabb, but the show had gone to commercial. Then I flipped to ESPN950 and after listening for literally one second I heard the knuckle-dragging host complain that McNabb would never be able to lead a last-second drive like Roethlisberger and blah, blah, blah, yackity-schmackity. I'm sure the resident blather-monkey had poorly-thought out and generally stupid reasons for his "argument," but I had to flip on the CD player (I'm diggin' on Duffy these days) or slam into a telephone pole and kill myself. Anything to make it stop.

The local fishwrappers took their turns on the hate parade today, showing either remarkable restraint or a surprising lack of foresight in that they didn't have their anti-McNabb columns ready to run Monday no matter who won the game.

Look, I recognize that the man has his limitations, but goddamn, can't the sports media in this city write or talk about anything without ragging on #5? Is it simply impossible to enjoy a truly phenomenal football game without performing incredible mental gymnastics just to take a dump on the greatest QB in team history?

Bwah-ha-ha! Of course not. They call it "Negadelphia" for a reason.

Blogrolling: Paying the rent with skunky beer

The Hater Nation roasts Tony Dungy. It's crude, rude, and necessary on many levels.

The Moondog weighs in on how Congress shouldn't get involved in a college football playoff in a reasonable, though chalk, assessment of the situation is this... this is the *perfect* situation for Congressional intervention.

It's something with bipartisan support, since no one in their right mind wants to defend this abominable system. Even the statheads hate the BCS, because it promotes bad sportsmanship and takes so much control of the situation away from the individual teams. (Honestly, when you schedule a well-regarded opponent and beat them so badly that they mail in the rest of the year and wind up being seen as much worse than they were supposed to be... how is that your fault?) Colleges, of course, receive some aid, in the form of students getting Pell grants and local institutions getting help and/or clearance for construction and expansion efforts. So there's influence there, too. And since the athletics department is such a cesspool of corruption as it works as a de facto minor league / expansion system for all of the parts of the country that don't get enough major-league action to satisfy the market, it's rife with vulnerability for oversight.

Frankly, I'm a little amazed that the system hasn't been taken down before.

So go, Congress Critters, and afflict these comfortable parasites. Because government oversight is, really, akin to having a labor union show up in your industry. Independent of the merits or vices of the individual union or action... if you have one, you probably did something to deserve it.

So, Cub Fan, the most powerful man in the Free World prefers your rival, to the point where he's grilling the troops. Can you use this to crank up more self-pity?

Pay that rent, John "Joey Knish" Turturro. You're doing the Lord's work.

Cardinal Fan goes down for the McNabb lawn burning. Gents were 28 and 37, and might not have even been drunk. This will do wonders for Arizona Person's PR, especially seeing how the state still doesn't recognize the Martin Luther King holiday. Oh, and the fact that burning a guy's lawn with gas is a *misdemeanor* will, I'm sure, make sure that no one ever does this again.



And finally, one of my favorite songs ever. First time I've seen it as a solo acoustic piece, rather than with the full Golden Palominos production. And here's a fun fact... the French word for orgasm loosely translates to "the little death", or, perhaps, suicide. (Yes, I am goading certain members of the audience. Listen to the song anyway; Carson's fantastic.)

Blogrolling: Four Parts Hate, One Part Joy

I'm shocked, shocked, to discover that Terrell Owens and Tony Romo had practice issues. Chicken soup for this Eagle Fan's soul.

Lions' coach Rod Marinelli exits classy, according to Pro Football Talk. I admire the bitterness. But why couldn't he have gone out with Naked Drive Thru, as it traditional in the Motor City?

Jon Pyle, a fine purveyor of lists and hate, sacks up with the athletes most likely to get the media mouth job. Fine work. Firm tongue. I give it an 85, and I can dance to it.

Tirico Suave shows the evidence of Donovan McNabb's malfeasance.



And finally, just in case y'all are feeling patriotic, the best version of the song that used a singer. Besides, it's got those old-school Nuggets threads, and the entire crowd clapping along on the 1. America, what's going on?

Top 11 things Donovan McNabb might have said on that phone call

11) "How come no one makes those 1-800 Collect ads anymore?"

10) "Hello, TO? It's the playoffs calling. And they don't miss you."

9) "Someone get me Homeland Security, because we're dropping a bomb on New York. Damn!"

8) "Hey, can you call Kevin Kolb, and tell him to arrange the media around my locker? He knows how."

7) "Sure, this looks pretty douchey, but playing classy never got me any love in Philly. Besides, at least I'm not dancing."

6) "Dammit, woman, I don't care that we've got twins and I said I'd be there for you. I'm at work!"

5) "How much do you think Giants Fan hates this? Yeah, that much."

4) "You think it's easy to come up with a new way to make old white sportswriters mad?"

3) "I know, Andy, I know, but if I didn't take the penalty and give Dawk another chance to hit someone, he said he was going to 'Go Wolverine' on me. Man's not right."

2) "Plax, baby, I just can't thank you enough. Say hi to Michael Vick for me."

1) "Hey, is there Butz up there? First name Seymour."

MNF Thoughts: Eagles-Browns

The perfect Philly Fan moment -- with 7:33 left and up 20 points on a dead to the world Browns team, there's booing. The booing was for Kevin Kolb, who to be fair, deserved it, having thrown a TAINt and a number of battered balls.

Takeaways from the game were relatively few. Donovan McNabb was as sharp as he's been all year, except for the red zone. They didn't need that much from Brian Westbrook (16 for 53 on the ground, 3 for 14 in the air), which was nice, considering how much work he had last week against the Giants. Jason Avant had a career day, mostly because McNabb decided to throw it to him whether he was open or not.

The Browns are a terrible team with Brady Quinn or Derek Anderson; they are monumentally terrible with Ken Dorsey. The game was garbage time in the third quarter. The announcers didn't talk about the game for most of the last hour. It rained. The most interesting play might have been when Asante Samuel almost pulled a DeSean Jackson on his 50-yard TAINt.

You'd like to think there could be a better signature play for this roster, but they were clearly into the confetti bucket part of the program by this point. That, combined with the asinine DJ pick in the red zone, is all that the Reid Resign crew had to go on. (Don't get comfortable, Fat Man. I like you better in the dog house; you eat less.)

And none of it means a thing unless:

1) They win in Washington next week, and against Dallas at home the week after, and

2) The Falcons spit the bit in Minnesota next week, or the Bucs gag at home against the Chargers. (No, neither team is losing in Week 17 against the Rams and Raiders, respectively.) And with Minny missing half of its Williams Wall, that line just got a lot tighter.

But still, hard to be bitter about a drama-free 20-point win at home. They did what they had to do, no one got hurt, and if they had been sharp in the red zone and didn't give Kolb time, it would have been a 35-point win. Moving on.

Epic Drop: Top 11 Sports Fan Steps to the Dark Side

Tonight's link will make some of you nod your heads and say, "See, that's why I don't play fantasy sports. I'm not a sellout degenerate gambler like you are, Shooter."

At which point I'll congratulate you on your virtue, and hope like hell that I'll see you at a poker table. Soon.

(Insert E-Vile laugh here...)

Epic Drop: Top 12 reasons why Andy Reid is starting Donovan McNabb on Thursday

Your list is here, and the discerning reader will note how I'm going to just let loose on the fat jokes at Reid's expense.

This might be unfair and uncaring, given that obesity is a disease, and we're certainly not going to help this man's obvious self-hatred issues with mockery.

This, of course, assumes that I want to help the man. I don't. I want him away from my football team.

Anyway, go, click, chortle, drool. Mmmm, bacon donuts...

Free At Last, Free At Last, Thank God Almighty...

H/t to Awful Announcing, who had the courage to read the Wall Street Journal so that I didn't have to...

For the past six years, the company has been running a well-received series of ads for its "Chunky" soup that feature National Football League greats and their mothers calling them inside for dinner and serving them soup.

But starting with this NFL season, those moms will be riding the bench. The reason for the change? Campbell Soup says its new research has revealed that the company's target consumers -- men in their 30s -- are finally achieving soup independence.

The new campaign, dubbed "Working Day," features San Diego Chargers running back LaDainian Tomlinson. In one of the series of five ads, which debut when the NFL season kicks off on Sept. 4, Mr. Tomlinson is shown in action on the field as a voice-over describes his job in blue-collar terms.

"Another grueling day on the job," the ad begins. "You're dying to get out of those work clothes. You're hungry. You take a can of Chunky soup. You think about your day. Was I productive? Did I do right by my boss?"

The size of Eagle Fan's heart for Number Five grew three sizes on this day; yes, we did all hate those ads that much, especially in close correlation to Don's tendency to actually blow Chunky chunks in big games. (And yes, you are right to want to throw all marketing people into the tenth circle of Hell for phrases like "soup independence.")

Epic Drop: Top 10 Reasons Why The Eagles Are Doomed

Today's link is a cunning encapsulation of all of the reasons why I'm enthused about he Eagles' chances this year, along with the fact that all of the pre-season prediction magazines seem to think that their off-season moves were crap... mostly, one suspects, because they didn't help to produce the sure thing wide receiver that will ensure fantasy league success, and because, absent injury, there is no growth stock among the Eagles' skill players. (Yes, Bryan Westbrook is now a top 5 play, but he's also one that jangles the nerves, since he's injury-prone, getting up there in years, and just had the best season of his life.)

Catch and Release

The recent Web rumor, and it's dubiously sourced but delicious, has the Eagles finding another new home for back-up QB and full-time INT machine AJ Feeley. He's like a dog that can't be housebroken or put down, really...

You might remember him Feeley from such laugh-a-minute heists as a second round pick from Miami (now WR Reggie Brown) and 6 INTs in two games in 2007, including a gut-buster of a home loss to the Seabags where he made LB Lofa Tatupu his go-to guy. Now, there's word that the Packers are looking for someone young and cheap to fill the role of Guy Who Throws Picks, and AJ Pickzynski may be the man.

Of course, trading Feeley does expose the Birds to moving up Kevin Kolb to the #2 spot, otherwise known as the most popular man in Philadelphia. There's nothing the town loves more than the back-up QB, especially since the starter never has a Super Bowl ring to use to shut up his critics. Who can forget such bygone bandwagons like Pat Ryan, Jeff Garcia, Bobby Hoying, Jim McMahon and Rodney Peete? They were *all* winners, at least until they actually got the gig. Then, not so much.

Now, if the Birds could only package what you have to endure in those Heather Mitts' pictures with Brown for, say, Greg Jennings...

Donovan the Deodand

Deodand: an inanimate object blamed for Death

Yesterday when I woke up and prepared myself for The Commute and the Day Job once again, for the first time since before the holidays (and yes, that's why the posting schedule has been erratic, and thank you for asking, not that you possibly would have)...

I noticed this faint little scar between my eyes. It's the residue of some horseplay, and as it probably happened a month ago, one suspects that my age and family history of diabetes is combining for the slow and no-go healing that tells me it might be there for good.

It doesn't really bother me. But if it did bother me, maybe I'd be so over the top as to think of it as my deodand, the first of many signs that all tie together into the slow slide down that is the second half of my life. (Yes, I am that old. And stay the hell off my lawn.)

When you learn about deodands, as is true with just about anything else that's a nifty and/or esoteric concept, things start to attach to the concept, like Velcro. (This is also why I write about sports; it's Velcro-like in its ability to have bigger concepts attached to it.)

So as I've been thinking about this past Eagles season, in which the team managed to be the best last-place team in NFC East history, and the fan base spent its time in constant Will They Or Won't They puling over the fate of Mssr. McNabb... well, here.

Maybe McNabb is a deodand for Eagles Nation, since the quarterback that he is most similar to, in the franchise's history... is Randall Cunningham.

Both men were, of course, black, mobile, highly successful and injury-prone. No one really remembers this now, given how his legacy was couched in flakiness and playoff failures, but Cunningham was a multiple MVP. Had the '98 Vikings, a forgotten 16-3 team thanks to a missed field goal at home in a championship game to the Chris Chandler Falcons...

Well, as FTT's Tracer Bullet would note, if you give your aunt a testicle, she'd be John Kruk.

From such moments, borderline Hall of Fame candidates are, well, borderline, and it's not like Cunningham didn't have other chances to prove his playoff mettle.

Of course, McNabb is *not* Cunningham, any more than he's Rodney Peete or Ron Jaworski. He's always managed the game better through his low interception percentages and historic red zone efficiency, always ran less even in his most tuck it and go years, never committed anywhere near the same level of media foolishness, and has won more playoff games than any QB in the team's history. He's also never lost the locker room, even in the teeth of the TO Drama. By the end of the Cunningham Era, you had the feeling that Seth Joyner and Company were ready to take him out themselves.

But still, both men succeeded more from great physical gifts than accuracy. Both constructed remarkable plays from extending the opposing secondary to the breaking limit. Both took more sacks than they had to, from a belief that they could always get something out of a play. McNabb has more in common with Cunningham than he does with any other QB in Eagles history.

Similarity, of course, does not equal sameness; if it did, Kevin Kolb would excite no one, seeing how he came from the school of Andre Ware and David Klingler. But I do have to wonder if the deep-seated animosity of the bigger chuckleheads in Eagles Nation is based around the idea of having seen this movie before, and knowing (as all losers always now) how it will end. Donovan the Deodand.

To those folks, I'd point out the following:

1) Peyton Manning was never going to win the big one, and teams that can't stop the run get killed in the playoffs.

2) Brett Favre should have retired before this year started, because he was clearly far too old and interception-prone to be part of a contending team.

3) John Elway was never going to subvert his ego enough to a running back to win a Super Bowl.

4) No pass-first dome team like the St. Louis Rams of Warner and Faulk could ever win when it mattered.

5) No team with a coach who had lost multiple championship games at home, and was a 5 seed to boot, could possible muster the wins necessary that Bill Cowher's Steelers did.

The point, of course, is that the past ten years has shown us that there is no single way to win a Super Bowl, and that people who think there is generally get made to look foolish in short order.

Now, do I really think the 8-8 Eagles are a Super Bowl contender next year? As much as they were this year, when they were coming off a division championship and a Final Four appearance. They'll benefit from a last-place schedule. The NFC East won't be as good as it was this year. They have the best RB, coach, and QB in their history. They need to make at least a half-dozen strong personnel moves, get some big years from shaky sources (I'm looking at you, Lito Sheppard) and stay healthy, but that's true of just about every team in football.

Maybe this is just the three-game winning streak at the end of the year talking, but I like their chances a lot better than many teams in this year's playoffs. You'd have to think their ceiling is higher than, say, Tampa Bay, the Giants, and Seattle.

And if I'm wrong, and the odds are strong that I am, given that it's always better to bet the AFC champion and the field in these matters? You'll still have McNabb to blame, and Kolb to turn on later, and there really isn't any problem in waiting the extra year. Hell, maybe you'll get lucky and have McNabb get hurt again.

And then, you'll have the fun of seeing Kolb play, and in the very strong probability that the Eagles don't win then, either, realize he's just the same as Ron Jaworski, Jim McMahon, or (shudder) Bobby Hoying...

The hottest team in the NFC... isn't going to the playoffs

Today in New Orleans, the Eagles got their second straight road win as an underdog, winning 38-23 in a game that they more or less controlled after a wild, back and forth first quarter. The eternally embattled Donovan McNabb accounted for 300 yards (263 throwing) and threw three touchdowns with no interceptions.

Seriously, who in the NFC is playing better than the Eagles right now? They beat the Cowboys in Dallas a week ago; the Cowboys then struggled with a bad Panthers team and lost Owens to injury. The Packers, the #2 seed, got absolutely punked by a Bears team that started Kyle Orton. The #3 and #4 seeds, Tampa Bay and Seattle, lost to the Niners this week and the Panthers last week, respectively. The #5 seed is the Giants, who somehow keep wining road games without any kind of production from their quarterback. The sixth seed right now are the Redskins, who are, seriously, riding Todd Collins right now.

Maybe this is all an indictment of the NFC, or the proof that the Reid Eagles just aren't clutch enough to man up when it really matters. But to my eyes, Number Five has done more than enough in the past two weeks to earn the job for another year... and if the team can actually get some production out of the TE spot, and maybe (yes, we dream) a true #1 WR (Chad Johnson? Larry FitzGerald? Yes, please), and a true third cornerback...

Well, it all looks a lot better than it did a few weeks ago. And if they had somehow not gagged up the Bears game, or the Seahawks game, or the Packers game... they'd be an extraordinarily scary wildcard team. As is, thanks to the freakishly resilient NFC East, where 8-8 looks like it's going to get you last place, they should also get a pretty cushy schedule. Suddenly, standing pat doesn't look quite so bad, really.

Finding the Real Cause of the Eagles' Problems

My fellow Tools,

I have to confess, I was more than a little bent out of shape by the Eagles' loss to the Seahawks yesterday, and not just because it contributed to falling below .500 again in the picks for the year, or the Eagles final real chance to qualify for the playoffs and prevent meaningless December football.

No, the bigger issue is that it's frustrating to root for a team (and yes, I still do root for the Eagles, even after my conversion to Masstermind status, much in the same way that you'd root for a troubled relative to stay off the booze) that has many of the elements of a winning team, but a losing record. Let's review.

The Eagles have:

a) The best running back in their franchise history in Brian Westbrook.

Yes, he's better than Wilbert Montgomery, who if you look at the career numbers, fumbled quite a bit -- and while the very old folks would vouch for Van Buren and Timmy Brown, um, not so much. Here's a scary thought for Eagles fans: the top 10 in that list probably include Keith Byars, Ricky Watters, Herschel Walker, Charlie Garner and Heath Sherman. It's been a long 75 years.

b) The best coach in their history in Andy Reid.

We all know the man's weaknesses, but once again, this is not a list that's covered in glory. He beats out Dick Vermeil and um, Greasy Neale (you have to love the old era for nicknames, don't you?) for this honor.

c) A usually competent offensive line, especially for pass protection.

So long as Winston Justice isn't involved, the QB usually stays upright, despite putting the ball in the air 3 out of every 5 snaps.

d) A defensive line that is better than previous years at stopping the run, and does have a number of sacks.

Trent Cole, especially. The unit may not be as dominant as expected, but they aren't terrible.

e) A relatively easy schedule.

Games against teams with a good record: Green Bay, Dallas and New England. If you want to throw the Giants in that lot, you can, but any team that has a QB that looks like he's going to cry at any moment, and a coach that looks like he's going to throw a temper tantrum... well, let's just say that the fans of the New York Football Giants may be the least happy 8-4 fans in the history of the league.

So, when faced with a Seahawks team that has turned in some real stink jobs on the road, in a must-win situation, coming off perhaps their best performance of the year in New England... I had hopes. Dreams, even. And they all went poof, and for the life of me, I couldn't understand why. That was, until I started looking at this with my new and improved Masstermind Brain.

Now, the simplistic reason why the Birds lost yesterday is that one-week wonder and great white hope AJ Feeley threw, um, four interceptions, each of them utterly back-breaking, all of them entirely his fault. But when you're a Masstermind, you just dig a little deeper than most people. You find out the reason why.

It couldn't be that Feeley, who now has 7 interceptions in his last 8 quarters as the Eagles QB, locks into his primary receiver like a mentally deficient child staring at a shiny thing, then throws the ball in that direction no matter what. After all, that worked out just fine against the Patriots, who are The Forty Five Best Humans To Ever Walk The Earth.

It can't also be that unless the QB is very safe with the ball in this style of offense, the other team catches a lot of interceptions (see McMahon, Mike, or Favre, Brett), and that this is one of the quiet but profound strengths of Donovan McNabb, who has very low career INT rates. (And yes, Eagles fans complain about the balls that miss being too low for the receiver, because too high is clearly much, much better.)

No, what led me to my breakthrough was examining the differences between the two games. Not that Seattle has a pass-covering LB (Lofa Tatupu) who can run from sideline to sideline quickly, unlike NE LB Junior Seau, who more or less uses his veteran presence to exert a winning aura, instead. Nor could it be that Seattle had a week of film to watch in which Feeley stared down his primary as if Hyp-Mo-Tized. No, the key difference was on... the Eagles' sideline.

Last week, Donovan McNabb didn't make the flight to New England.

This week, he was on the sidelines... *infecting* Feeley with his Unleadership Virus.

That towel around his neck alone must have cost the Eagles at least two picks. And I'm pretty sure he was feeding our man Chunky Soup after the game. At least, I read that on the Internets, which is to say, I just read it on this page.

So, all of you who wanted Feeley to be your new QB, take heart and stand by your man (and our President). Stay the course, like a true Masstermind!

The End of The Feeley Friends Forever Bandwagon...

Officially noted at 3:21pm on Sunday, when on successive plays, he hook slid rather than went for any extra yards, and then followed it up with his 6th interception in 7 quarters.

But yes, commenters and the 70% that said he should start no matter what over McNabb, he's clearly the better option.

(looks for hard object to smash head into)

Updated... Feeley ends his day, and the Eagles' season, with his 4th unconscionable pick, this one in the red zone after Brian Westbrook gave the Eagles another chance to win on a huge punt return.

GAHHHHH!

Punished for Competence: The Philadelphia Eagles Story

Ah, Philly. A day after the season's best effort, one that validated the organization as being able to prepare a world-class game plan and give the biggest spread favorites in NFL history all they could handle on the road, dropping the team to a 5-6 but still very much alive playoff situation, and how does the local media and fan base repay their efforts?

QUARTERBACK CONTROVERSY!

On Philly.com, where you go if you want to read the Philadelphia Daily News or Inquirer without admitting to it in public, 72% of 12K+ votes this afternoon say that the Eagles should start Feeley next week "no matter what."

Now, I'd understand this if Donovan McNabb were, say, Bobby Hoying. Or maybe even Rodney Peete. But he's not. HE'S THE BEST QB IN THE HISTORY OF THE FRANCHISE, YOU FREAKING IDIOTS. And he's not, believe it or not, responsible for the effort and effectiveness of 21 other starting football players.

But beyond that... let us analyze AJ Feeley's performance objectively, as if he were just another quarterback, rather than the face of the franchise that has not made us totally and completely happy by giving us the Super Bowl win that we will be in eternal misery until we get, waah waah waah, Mommy the world is mean and filled with other teams that won't just let us win because it's been a real long time since we won.

We would note the following. For the positive, AJ:

> Didn't get rattled or throw in the towel when down on the road

> Made many legitimately fine throws, especially on 3rd down

> Got rid of the ball quickly, and stood tall in the pocket against odd-man blitzes

> Showed fire and passion, and seemed to be actually enjoying himself

> Didn't look over-matched at all against (gulp) Tom Brady

Unfortunately for the Feeley Forever Friends (which, if the Eagles lose with him against Seattle this week, would scatter like roaches in the kitchen after the lights are turned on, only to reform as the Kevin Kolb Kollektiv, and yes, the acronym is intentional, because I'm officially suspicious of the motives of some of you people), there were also some negatives.

AJ also

> Created three turnovers that were, without a doubt, the difference in the game, all of which were bad decision-making combined with bad execution. If that had been Don, the story wouldn't have been Close And Encouraging Win, it would be Don Must Go Because You Can't Have Those Mistakes From Your Starting QB. I quite agree.

> Does not seem to have the arm strength to throw a deep out, which means that by next week, that's what you'd be seeing as opponents clog the middle with linebackers and safeties that are not older than some coaches (looking at you, Seau and Harrison)

> Failed to lead the receiver consistently, especially in the second half, leading to several stalled drives and missed opportunities

> Isn't that much younger than Don, doesn't have a stronger arm or quicker feet, and has never looked good in any system other than this one, and in small doses

> Might not be the sharpest knife in the drawer, given that the go-for-it throw on 2nd and 4 wasn't just unnecessary and dangerous, it would have also left *way* too much time on the clock for Brady if it *had* worked

Now, I'm not going to completely bury AJ. He played well, better than anyone had a right to expect, and if Don can't go against Seattle, I like the Eagles' chances to win anyway.

But he's AJ Feeley, people. There's a reason why he was available, and why the Eagles got him back for nothing after trading him away.

Here is that reason: He's not that good.

Donovan McNabb is. If you think his time is past and you want to see Kolb, well, fine. I don't agree, and won't until the team is eliminated from playoff contention, but at least you're not Completely Wrong and An Imbecile To Boot.

So, please, for the love of our reputation as football fans that actually know something about the game, stop falling for the Controversy That Isn't. Don's your QB. Root for him. And better yet, root for the rest of the team to give that kind of effort, regardless of who is under center. That's what fans do.

Treachery!

Real fans of the New England Patriots (or, as I like to call those of us who have quaffed deeply and repeatedly from Coach's Mighty Vessel Of The One True Kool Aid, Massterminds) learn how to sniff out Treachery at every corner, as the enemies of Excellence and Legendariness seek to drag you down to their human, pathetic and reprehensible level of defeatedness. It makes me sick, the way these inferior men scheme and connive in their ways to cheat us all of History.

This week's opponent, the Philadelphia Eagles, are going about things in a particularly novel way. They intentionally got their star QB, Donovan McNabb, injured in last week's game against Miami. (And if you don't believe it was intentional, then why were the Eagles throwing on nearly every down against the 30th-ranked run defense in the NFL, at home, on a rainy and windy day, against an opponent who was starting John "Chris Weinke II" Beck on his first start, when the Dolphins' only chance of scoring was to have Ted Ginn Jr. return kicks? It makes no sense.)

Anyway, McNabb suffered ankle and thumb injuries, and is now said to be out for the planned SNF Eaglevisceration. Making matters worse for the visitors, who opened as 17.5 point underdogs and are now trading at 24.5, is that the Eagles back-up ia AJ Feeley. (Admittedly, the same AJ Feeley who QB'd the Dolphins past the Patriots once, but he's still AJ Feeley. It's not like this is someone to be really scared of, like a Koy Detmer.)

So, one of two things will happen under center for the Eagles on SNF:

1) McNabb will start, in a devastating piece of unsportsmanlike deception, and the Eagles will throw the ball all over the place regardless of his condition, or

2) Feeley will start, and the Eagles will attempt to *run* the ball, in a craven display of abandoning their true nature. This would also (the horror!) be their best tactical move, since it would put the ball in the hands of their best player, RB Brian Westbrook.

The visitors are also trying to pull the same trick in their defensive secondary, where third-string safety and unsuccessful kickoff returner J.R. Reid may get the start over the injured Quentin Mickell.

Now, the casual (i.e., non-Masstermind) fan will see this all as good news for the Patriots, as a heavy underdog is also injured in key positions. Lord knows the team could use some, what with that single failure this year to cover the spread and all. But as a Masstermind, I sense... treachery!

Isn't this just *like* the Eagles, as part of their Kevin Kolb-like ways, to create the Mother of All QB Controversies with Feeley, in the historically improbable event of an Eagles win? Is Andy Reid, who, it must be said, had the (gasp!) better of Coach Belichick in the Patriots Super Bowl win for the entire first half, before Coach's Special Tapes gave the Patriots the intellectual and completely fair and above-ground because we did it and the other team didn't boost, merely trying to exact his completely unnecessary and unsportsmanlike revenge on Coach while also creating the Ultimate QB Controversy Ever in Philadelphia?

Indeed, these are treacherous times for the One True Team, and seeing how this all unfolds will make for absolutely riveting television, for upwards to a quarter or more of actual football. I, for one, would sooner wish the Patriots fiery torment from a 45-man case of tainted Mexican food poisoning, right around the 8:15 kickoff, then miss a second of it.

Fingers crossed and stout hearts, my fellow Massterminds! Tomorrow night, we ride... to defeat treachery!

The Ugly Truth

I watched the Eagles-Cowboys game tonight without any kind of enthusiasm, and that was before the opening kickoff. Part of it was simply dread, because there's nothing worse than seeing your team lose in the night game; you stay up late, and watching Owens gloat is right up there with pouring acid on your genitals, in terms of Happy Fun Time.

But here's the bigger problem, independent of Owens. Tonight, really for the first time in the Reid Era, I felt that the game had really passed the organization by. Maybe it's the family stuff, maybe it's just what happens after so many years of being near the top, a bad change had to come. But there was never a moment in this game, even when Sheppard broke on the ball to Crayton and made the interception in the second quarter, that I really thought they were better than the Cowboys, or that they were going to win. And when that happens, especially in a home game to your most hated rival, it's over.

Looking at this position by position, where are the Eagles better than the Cowboys? Certainly not WR, and the Cowboys are missing their number two in Terry Glenn. Probably not even RB, and I love Brian Westbrook, because Marion Barber is also damn good, and Julius Jones is better than Corell Buckhalter. Just looking at the pressure on each QB, and you know who has the better offensive line. And Tony Romo is more mobile now, and more accurate. Maybe Don gets better the farther away he gets from the surgery, and maybe he's a mobile QB who's over 30 and isn't likely to suddenly discover accuracy on all throws at this stage.

Now, defense. Maybe the Eagles are better than they've showed tonight, but given that they rolled over and played dead against the Bears to cost them that game in the clutch, and that their best players in the secondary (Sheppard, Dawkins) either can't stay healthy or young... well, it's hard to make the case.

But more than anything, you could just listen to the crowd. The thing you have to realize about Eagles Fan is that they know line play; they've watched football for their whole lives, and you really can't fool them that their team is something that it isn't. They know this team has no one on it -- no, not even Dawkins -- who was ready to lay him out. They know the talent gap is too wide, and the season is more or less over. The players know it, the fans know it, and that's really all there is to it.

Can the Eagles provide anything of value for the rest of the year? It's hard to imagine. There's a Patriots game that will be exceptionally ugly, there are more games in the division that really don't look good, and at some point, the calls for Reid and McNabb to go will be too loud to ignore. Kevin Kolb awaits, and coaching is not a game for young men, or distracted coaches.

It's been a good run -- the best in the history of the franchise. But it's over. They are a veteran team that's 3-5 and going nowhere, not getting better, and doesn't seem to have any idea how to move on.

And yes, I wrote this before the third quarter was even over. I feel like I could have written it before the game, really.

Eagles Season Preview

Nation,

Normally I send you over to Epic Carnival for things like this, but seeing as it took a while to hatch this groaner, I'm rhyming and stealing. Enjoy the piracy.



If you want to save yourself 2,000 words that took me most of a week to work out (you heartless bastard): 11-5, NFC East champions, #3 seed in the NFC, NFC championship road game loser (to who? like it matters), one more piece of my old and dying heart chewed up and spit out.

It'll taste surprisingly similar to the woman from the YouTube clip, who Philly Fan has chained up in a basement. She doesn't look like this anymore. The lesson, as always: Philly Fan Is Not To Be Trifled With.

20. The MVP of the team last year was Brian Westbrook. The MVP of the team this year will be... Donovan McNabb. This isn't a plus.

19. Fantasy alert: Any year now, tight end LJ Smith is going to explode. Literally. (This is all part of my scheme to make him so overrated that he's underrated.)

18. Jevon Kearse is back. In pog form.

If he can stay on the field, the defense will be much better, simply because they were never really able to replace the pass rush he provided before going down against the Giants. With Darwin Walker gone for Takeo Spikes, the depth at the position is not what it was.

17. In the time it took you to read this, Andy Reid's kids have committed three felonies.

16. Andy Reid's Kids makes for a fine and relatively understated fantasy football team name. No question, it'll be overused, though. (If you're stuck for a name, FTT is here to help.)

15. Jon Runyan is so mean, he once killed a man, just for snoring.

14. Reno Mahe is, in fact, a debilitating tropical illness.

13. Merrill Reese, the beloved local radio play by play man, is the most excited man on earth, and needs to be medicated before entering a supermarket.

12. As always, Reid is playing Russian Roulette with wideouts, because winning with quality wideouts is just not sporting. The team is depending, to a scary amount, on the development of Hank Baskett as a quality third WR.

Someone, for the lover of God, please show him the Patriots playoff loss last year, the one where Reche Caldwell's eyes bulged to six times the size of a normal human being. Andy's inability to value the wideout position has become intervention-worthy.

11. Takeo Spikes is already the best outside linebacker of the Reid Era, and he hasn't played a down. Let's just say the competition has not been particularly stellar. (Nate Wayne! Keith Adams! Dhani Jones! Matt McCoy! Lots of other guys I had to look up, because my brain likes me enough to forget about them!)

10. Real Eagles fans would like something very, very bad to happen to Dhani Jones, who is now with the Saints. After it happens, they would like the perpetrator to recite poetry.

9. Lito Shepard is going to be so bored from people not throwing to his side this year, he's going to start letting his man get open, just to see if the opposing QB notices.

8. Brian Dawkins was the single biggest reason the Eagles made it to the second round of the playoffs last year -- because a team that lost its best offensive and defensive players (McNabb and Kearse), and couldn't stop the run worth a damn, didn't quit. He was also one of the biggest reasons they lost there. If the secondary doesn't perform to its usual lockdown levels, fingers will be pointed his way.

7. Eagle opponents who (a) run the ball up the gut, and (b) throw to the tight end will, as always, prosper. This won't be a problem for the most part, because most NFL coaches are stubborn as mules and only want to win on what their team does best...

6. In his entire life, Corell Buckhalter has never been considered a goal-line back by anyone other than Andy Reid. That's still true.

5. David Akers hasn't been himself for over 2 years, due to injury. It would help immensely if he got back to his old levels, because he used to be worth a few more points a game than the opposing kicker, and Reid has been less aggressive in going for points since he's faltered.

4. The team has not had particularly good special teams coverage for most of the Reid Era. The last good kickoff returner Was JR Reid in the Super Bowl year (which is to say, three years ago).

3. The reason why they'll win 11 games is because the most important units on both sides of the ball (offensive line, defensive secondary) are among the top five in the NFL. The QB combines game management skills (despite Don's habit for back-breaking playoff interceptions, his career numbers are quite good at taking care of the ball) with occasional flashes of game-changing brilliance. The linebackers are the best of the Reid Era, which isn't saying much, but is still helpful. The coaching staff, with the exception of TO Year 2, has always kept the players pulling in the same direction. They don't kill themselves with penalties or turnovers.

Add it all up, and you get -- consistent wins. The finest era in the franchise's history. But there isn't a sense that it's got to happen, or will.

2. The entire story this year will be McNabb. His comeback from injury. His relationship to Reid post-Kolb. His relationship to Kolb. His ability to stay on the field for all 16 games plus the playoffs, and his willingness to test the knee on scrambles. His scrambling ability, post-surgery. His rapport with the fans in Philadelphia, many of whom have never fully been in his corner, simply because he hasn't won the big one. Besides, this town loves the back-up quarterback more than a balding, fattening husband loves driving past the high school.

I'm a homer and a Don fan (see this link for more about that), so I think he's going to spend the year delivering a giant, media-savvy, middle finger to the haters. He's got a great line and RB. He's made more from less at the WR position, and his defense, especially if Kearse is back and effective, is going to be more likely to give him good field position. He's always been a workout monster and fearless about taking contact, so I think he bounces back to a strong percentage of his old self. As for his relationship with Kolb, I think it'll be like Montana-Young -- in other words, he'll hate the guy and try to bury him with wins.

Whether all of that is enough to keep him upright, or overcome the inevitable out-of-nowhere challenges that arise in the conference, or keep the whispers from getting loud... well, this is Philadelphia, and we haven't won a championship since 1982 for a freaking reason. Besides, it's hard to see any NFC team winning the Super Bowl, just like it's hard to see any NL team winning the World Series, or any Eastern Conference NBA team winning the Finals. But you never know.

1. The single biggest benefit of the Reid Era is this: he utterly and completely owns the rest of the division. Lock, stock, barrel -- these are his bitches, and the way Andy has slapped them has been a thing of utter beauty.

This has been lost to many people in the region, especially those that don't remember the crap salad days with a side of vomit dressing, but not to the good citizens of New York, Washington and Dallas. So while we might bemoan our fate as the poor man's Levy Bills, or tear our hair out over Reid's peculiar and consistent weaknesses, or wonder in our darkest moments as to whether this team will ever win it all in our lifetimes... well, I still like where I'm sitting more than the seats of Redskin, Cowboy or Giant fan.

As a lifelong Philly fan, I don't actually expect to root for a champion. I just want to be sure that someone else hurts worse than me.

Redskins fan has to endure the complete cock-tease that is Daniel Snyder and his free-agent acquisitions. He also has the added benefit of seeing his beloved coaching legend (Joe Gibbs) dragged out of retirement and into incompetence. So not only is the present a nightmare, but his memories of the past are being systematically destroyed, too.

I can't imagine how bad that is. Even when the Eagles were hiring people like Ray Rhodes and Rich Kotite, we could just hate them without reservation, because we owed them nothing. For Skins Fan, this has to be like being a Beatles fan that dreams of seeing them reform... and when they do, Yoko is singing lead, and they're playing Nazi Gospel tunes.

Giants fan has to somehow root for one of the biggest collections of egotists, douchebags and general disappointments in their history. Seriously, their big three are Fredo Manning, Mini-TO Burress and White Trash Shockey; if any of these guys were to go to another team and come back to Giants Stadium, the booing would last all day. Combine that with the nasty little whiner that is Tom Coughlin, the overrated and overblown Michael Strahan... I mean, seriously, is there a star on the team that you actually like?

It'd be one thing if they won, but this team had the division on a platter last year, and tossed its cookies so badly, Giants Fan is seriously thinking about giving the reins to Jared "The Hefty Lefty" Lorenzen (because starting a fat rook at QB is just the time-honored way to success). They also now get a steady diet of Brandon Jacobs, whose straight up running style is just begging for a major injury, not to mention consistent fumble problems. He's Eddie George, which sounds good, until you remember that George is out of football.

Finally, Dallas. Oh, Cowboy Fan, you have to know this isn't going to be your year, right? Owens has succeeded in running off his QB and his coach; he is the mayor of Crazy Town now, and if he wants you to wear underwear on the outside and grow mustaches on your ass, you can bet that Wade Phillips and Jerry Jones are going to be figuring out whether it's OK to wear tidy whities after Labor Day and whether the ass hair can be waxed. I can't imagine a worse situation to be an inexperienced quarterback trying to live down an epoch-defying mistake, and that's where Tony Romo is.

So sit back and enjoy your Ipecac Year -- or, better yet, give the whole thing a miss and tune in next spring, where a severely chastised Jones will be introducing new coach and general manager Bill Cowher. Just pray that he can't bring Kordell Stewart with him.

Sports Theism vs. Sports Atheism

In the back and forth in the comments over the McNabb post, something came up that sparked a thought.

Here’s the pertinent point for non-clickers:

... only to see the championship window now fully shut... The time to win a title is over, so IMO it's time to begin looking towards the future.

Note the introduction of a narrative – McNabb and the Eagles have had their window of opportunity shut, so the team has to make changes and move on. If they don’t, they’ll lose.

I wonder how a Colts fan, reading that, might feel. Because Peyton Manning’s window of opportunity has looked like it has been closing for years now.

Or how a Broncos fan that recalls all the years that Elway couldn’t win a ring, and had to constantly hear Marino comparisons, would think about that.

Or a Steelers fan that watched Cowher fail to seal the deal through multiple championship games at home, and a quarterback carousel that included the names Stewart, O’Donnell and Maddox.

Which is not to say that the writer is wrong, that every stay the course move works out, or that McNabb and Reid are the same as Manning, Elway and Cowher.

They might be Jim Kelly, or Dan Marino, or Marty Schottenheimer.

As Kent Brockman says, only time will tell.

But the opinion shows a certain faith in a narrative, that the games are not just random events of probability, but stories with an arc. (This, despite an era in which NFL champions have mostly appeared out of the blue, but that’s OK – any title creates its own backstory, and with speed. If the story is bad, we just don’t tell it very often, or for very long, which is why you don’t hear so much about the genius of Jon Gruden or Brian Billick any more.)

There is no logical reason to believe in a Window of Opportunity – and yet, nearly everyone does, and will argue more about whether it’s open or shut, rather than if it exists.

It is the same kind of magical thinking that would lead you to believe that certain uniforms have power – a belief that no one would admit to in public, but still, look at those Bengals uniforms.



Super Bowl winners can't look like that, can they?

That the roar of the crowd can turn a season around. That the players can feel and benefit from the fan’s excitement.

That there is a Madden Curse, or an SI Cover Jinx.

That the personal character of highly flawed individual corporate entities (i.e., the modern player, with his posse/executive staff, his PR needs, and his trash talk / branding mission statements) is as important as talent when it comes to determine winners and losers.

Extend this to the stands, and it gets frightening or silly to people who do not believe what you believe. We’re all wearing the modern-day ghost shirts , many of us are dressing up like it’s Halloween or Mardi Gras, and an astonishing number of people will pay more for the rainments if they’ve been worn in a game, or autographed. (Speaking of magic...)

You may not be fit to touch the hem of an athlete's garment, but you can buy your own replica garment in the gift shop.

But if you go completely against this kind of thing, into the realm of sports atheism, you strip the contest down to bare and ugly meat and bone. You see it, with too much clarity, as a purely commercial event, determined by mostly random chance, that has no meaning, and no good reason to care about.

Timewaste. Vice. Bread and circuses. For kids. Soap opera with a live crowd.

Everyone, whether or not they are sports fans, lives with some stories, illusions, and narrative. Even if you’re aware of doing it. (And if you think fantasy sports erode this traditional faith, not so -- it is more a transfer or a competing faith, rather than a true embrace of sports atheism. In a related matter, I know that I am going to be in my baseball league’s playoffs this year, despite the fact that my team hits less than a senior citizen in a casino. I have Faith.)

This may also be why sports seems so much more invasive and prominent now – the world is becoming more secular and fragmented, so in our need to congregate and find community, we go to the One True Church of Ball. I remember, back in my childhood, hearing priests rail against the false church of sports as being a vice (and yes, it still is).

Now, the Vatican thinks about having its own soccer team. If you can’t beat ‘em, have a God and Country Night.

FTT, for the record, espouses a kind of middle of the road / progressive sports agnosticism – we are not sure quite what to believe, but we are pretty sure that there is all some greater meaning that will become clear later. However, with that being said, we do welcome sports theists into the congregation. Testify to your Window of Opportunity.

Especially when the collection plate is passed around. (And as soon as we can find a sponsor for that collection plate, you will all bear witness to its glory.)

Now, can I get an amen?

In Praise Of Number Five

The recent drafting of quarterback Kevin Kolb could mean that Donovan McNabb will be traded before the 2007 season. A few observers have opined that McNabb will be moved after the coming season. But here's a scenario that has him moving before September. The Bears are ready to win the Super Bowl. This scenario obviously depends on two things. One, that McNabb is physically ready to play on Week 1 of the 2007 season. Two, that Chicago is convinced McNabb is their best available QB option.
-- Philadelphia Inquirer, 5/20/07

For the moment, do not consider the relative logical merits of moving a 30-year-old injury-prone quarterback with a high salary cap number, and a fair amount of trade value, who used to be mobile but probably won’t be much anymore, who has always struggled with accuracy in the short passing game.

Instead, consider this: which franchise, in the midst of the best run in their history, would make this move?

For the smattering of Eagle fans out there who would argue that the mid ‘40s teams of Steve Van Buren or the 1960 team of Norm Van Brocklin were a better era because the team held a trophy at the end of the season, WE WILL NOW INCREASE THE FONT SIZE SO THAT YOU DO NOT HAVE TO SQUINT. HOW ARE YOU DOING TODAY? ARE YOU GETTING ENOUGH PILLS?

Possibly the San Francisco 49ers of Bill Walsh, who maneuvered Young for Montana and prolonged the dynasty.

Maybe a grind-it-out defensive team like Baltimore or Tampa Bay, where the quarterback’s biggest job is to not shit the bed.

That’s about it.

Here is what every Eagles fan that has any idea of what they are talking about when they are watching pro football should think, or say, to Don McNabb – thank you.

Thank you for the Tecmo Bowl MNF throw against the Cowboys.

Thank you for 4th-and-forever to FredEx to take out the Packers.

Thank you for making the Washington Redskins suffer through the worst years of their lives – an era so bad, their owner went out and disgraced the memory of Joe Gibbs, too.

Thank you for never doing anything more personally destructive than a Chunky soup ad, or a chunky vomit experience. (Ask the would-be fans of Yachtsman Culpepper, Dog Lover Vick and Evel Rothlisberger how that compares.).

Thank you for making this the most entertaining, most satisfying, most fun era to be an Eagles fan ever.

Let us review, shall we, some of the gods among men that have manned Don’s position here recently.

Bobby Hoying
Rodney Peete
Doug Pederson
Koy Detmer
Ty Detmer
Pat Ryan
Jeff Goebel
Mike McMahon
AJ Feeley
Jeff Garcia

I know I’m missing some others, too. Now, tell me who you’d rather have. (Yes, I know Garcia did a great job, but half a season does not a viable choice make.)

You want to tell me Don has not won The Big One? Fine. Guilty. He also did a terrible job of tackling Corey Dillon in that Super Bowl, too. Amazing how, in so many big games, Don forgot to line up on defense and stop the run. But so be it.

But you also have to give him this -- he’s won a ton of Little Ones. And a lot of Medium Ones, and Bigger Ones that led to the Big One. Honestly, that counts for something.

Ask a Redskins fan, or a Giants fan, or a Cowboys fan, how much they have enjoyed the McNabb Era.

See who much they would smile if you took Randall Cunningham, or Ron Jaworski, as your QB instead in an all-time game of Madden. (There's been, um, a lot of weak years at QB here.)

Ask a Bears fan how fast they would do that deal. (They’d answer, but they are too busy pressing the ACCEPT button. Oh, and they’d be happy to send the Rex Cannon back this way, too.)

See how much fun the Feeley/Holcomb half of the season would be, followed up by the vanilla-riffic rookie year for Kolb, with the season in the crapper and the region calling for Andy Reid to spend more quality time with his kids.

Finally, see Don lead the conference’s best team in Chicago, as half of Philadelphia roots for a shadenfraude knee injury and the other half wonders why good things never happen to us. (And if you think he can’t win a Super Bowl there, assuming he’s healthy, you’ve got a strange idea of what a Super Bowl winning QB on a dominant defensive team looks like. Dilfer-esque.)

All the while forgetting that the last few years have been really, really good.

For the record, I think the rumor is bullshit. I don’t think Reid would dare to make the best team in the conference much better, even if it does mean he’d finally get a quality LB. I think Reid is allergic to quality LBs.

I also cannot imagine that he really wants to run the ball that much, which is what he would do with the quarterback spot in transition. That’s not his idea of fun.

Lastly, I do not think the Eagles would move McNabb off an injury. I think they would much rather roll the dice and see if they could get a full and healthy year out of him, and take their time with Kolb. A transition would happen in one to three years, depending on health and performance. Don is 30, after all, and increasingly fragile.

But I do know this: for the rest of his time in Eagle green, McNabb has to know that the clock is ticking loudly.

I just hope that when his time comes, we show some class, and say thanks. The Eagles will be very fortunate if their next quarterback is anywhere near as good.