Reid isn't going anywhere. Yay?

In light of today's humiliation at the hands of Al Davis's brain-eating zombie army (at minimum they've feasted on the juicy brainmeats of Donovan Mcnabb and Andy Reid), I want to visit a simmering issue here in my adopted hometown: Andy Reid is negotiating a contract extension.

From a purely rational perspective, this is good news. The man has won more than 60% of his games. He's won more games than any other coach in team history. Under his stewardship, the Eagles have gone from perennial doormat to perennial championship contender. In 10 years, he's engineered seven playoff appearances and five conference championship games.

And yet, the Eagles are only 1-4 in the NFCCG and abominations like whatever the hell they were doing out there today are an annual occurrence. He believes passing is always the answer no matter the situation even when, like today, 60% of the projected starting offensive line was out of action and Brian Westbrook was gouging out great chunks of yardage on the ground.

The man is remarkably stubborn; Richard Seymour was giving King Dunlap the same treatment Shawn Merriman gave Tila Tequila, but Reid never went max protect and rarely helped his overmatched left tackle. Just ask Winston Justice how unwilling Reid is to help out a young LT facing an All-Pro defensive end.

I don't care that his press conferences are boring or that he rarely gives a straight answer to simple questions. He's a football coach, not Chris Rock. But Philadelphia still idolizes Buddy Ryan, a lousy coach but a great quote. Personality matters in this city (just ask Donovan).

Reid is a notoriously bad gameday coach and more than a few living room sets have been demolished by fans watching him struggle to properly manage a two-minute drill. Halftime adjustments? What halftime adjustments? Just keep throwing.

His teams seem to have a patent on the pass-pass-pass-punt drive. And passing in short yardage situations. Of course, it's been at least three years since they could consistently convert short yardage situations by running, so on this one he might have a point.

I won't even bring up the Super Bowl. Oh, God, the Super Bowl.

The biggest problem is that Reid still evidences the same shortcomings he's always had, and there is minimal evidence he can learn from his mistakes. He seems to have finally changed his philosophy on taking solid-yet-unspectacular receivers. Of course, it took him eight years to do so.

This is all moot, of course. There may not be a coach in the NFL with more job security. Andy Reid has a constituency of one and there has been nothing to suggest Jeffrey Laurie is ready to jettison the only head coach he's ever hired. Besides, who among the retreads looks like he'd be any better? Chuckie won with Dungy's players and lost with his own. Cowher hadn't won a Super Bowl at this point in his career and nobody ever accused him of being a great coach. Billick, he's an arrogant prick which would play well in this city but he won't have Marvin Lewis and God's Own Linebacker around to build one of the great defenses in history this time.

No, we're most likely stuck with Big Red and while that's probably good, it still makes me a little ill.

Closing Time

Seven quick thoughts as we prepare for the nightcap game that will determine the winning team in the Super Bowl...

> Larry Freaking Fitzgerald is now the most productive WR in single-season NFL playoff history. And that's why Giants Fan is still bitter, because Plax Burress does the same thing to the Eagles that Larry just did, albeit not quite so graphically.

> Some will want to roast Donovan McNabb for this one, and yes, he could have been a lot more accurate early and on the last real drive. But he led an offense that scored 25 points on the road, and had a lead in the fourth quarter. I'd say 80% of the failure here today was on the defense, the unit that gave you the most confidence into the game.

> Oh, and David Akers? Dead to me. DEAD.

> For any Eagles Fan that wants to decry individual plays, the fact is that if the refs call the Cards' quasi-fake kickoff correctly, or if DeSean Jackson doesn't force a fumble on the first half pick, the game is too far out of reach to even have drama late. You can't fall down by 18 on the road and make any mistake.

> Can you name a single Eagles' defensive player that played well today? Maybe Abimiri and Trent Cole, but those are both maybes. For the Cards, Adrian Wilson finally made the bright lights. He's good, folks.

> You'd like to take the Non-Spoiled Rotten Fan view here. Five championship games in eight years is pretty great. Winning on the road is tough, no matter who the opponent is. Larry Fitzgerald was just not to be denied.

But dammit, we're all back to where we were in November... wondering if this team will ever be anything more than an exceptionally cruel tease. Wondering why Andy Reid is so good coming off a bye week, and so bad in a championship. Wondering why the LBs can never come through in a big game, or why the play-calling has to be so pass-wacky (47 to 18, though Don did have 375 yards and 3 TDs today) all the time.

Wondering, in short, why they have to be so damned inconsistent. Erratic. Maddening.

So, um, folks? Final Four ain't good enough, not that anyone else will come in and do any better. If you lose Reid and McNabb, you are in single-digit wins and no championship... which is, well, what they did this year, too. Maybe they finally break through next year, but if there's an Eagle Fan out there that will tell you that they were satisfied by this year, or confident about next...

Well, I'd love to be that guy. But I'm not, not anymore. So, final point...

> Resign, Fat Man. (In 2010, after you choke another one.)

Epic Drop: Top 11 ways to celebrate Cowboy Elimination Day

Today's list focuses on what true Eagle Fans are thankful for, and no, it's not another year of the Don N' Andy Show.

It's the simple joy of ending the Cowboys season, honestly.

That doesn't make the year a success -- they'd need at least one more win next week to even think about that, and it's going to take a lot to make me forget Cincinnati, Baltimore or Washington.

But that doesn't take away from the greatness of Cowboy Elimination Day, especially when it was coupled with Patriot Elimination Day, and Favre Elimination Day...

Potpurri for Five

Yes, it's the return of the quick hitting thoughts based on nothing more than what's been floating around my head while I'm not really doing The Job, since I'm traveling. But here goes anyway.

1) Coach Has To Go: When you actively consider the bright side of any team's loss being that Coach might get canned from the loss.

So any Eagles Fan who is keeping Andy's Done in the back of their mind in the lead-up to tomorrow's Eagles-Cowboys game... yes, this is for you. Lions Fan who want to be sure that Coach Rod is on his face for failing to avoid Immortality, here it is. Cowboys Fan who dreams of Coach Wade taking the Switzer Bullet (um, it'd help if they had someone with a pulse, but really, your problem is your owner), same story.

And if you're really rooting for the loss, without any kind of fantasy football payoff or against the spread bet coinciding... well, let's just say that you're beyond the pale with Old Coach. You might start hoping he never existed, or something.

2) If you root for the team with the best record in the league and pule about the officiating in any game that isn't an elimination playoff experience, you are officially a Douchebag For Now And Ever, World Without End, Amen. (And yes, I'm talking about the Bad Tooth again, who couldn't take the Christmas present to a struggling nation that is his team losing. Though to be fair, I liked the follow-up loss to the Warriors -- the Warriors! -- more, just because the Lake Show's fans are also not far from Eternal Bag Status.)

3) With Randy Johnson's one-year deal to get his 300th win and then go away in San Francisco, can we officially designate the Giants as the Vienna of MLB? In that it's a pretty place to visit, history happened here, but it's otherwise irrelevant to, you know, actually important things happening?

Realistically, there are two uniform possibilities for The Unit to make his 300th look like anything but a stagger over the finish line: Seattle and Arizona. Given that he went 11-10 with a tolerable 3.91 ERA last year in the desert, and needs just five more wins to get the green jacket... seriously, Arizona, why couldn't you be the one to get this done? He's going to look silly doing this in SF. Well, OK, not as silly as Barry Zito continuing to work for the worst contract in MLB history, but close.

Oh, and SF? One year for $8 million here is a lot of cheddar in a bad economy for a guy who wont' really sell a lot of seats for you in his chase for the record. Why not, you know, buy a farm system that actually produces a tolerable position player instead?

4) Sammy Sosa says he's not ready to retire from MLB. Um, can someone tell these roid rock heads that if no one is giving you a job, your reluctance to retire doesn't much matter? I really don't want to have to write the same jokes again, and you don't want to read them...

5) A Houston hospital is changing its name from the Roger Clemens Institute for Sports Medicine to the Memorial Hermann Sports Medicine Institute.

In its statement, the hospital said the decision to take off Clemens' name was made "to better reflect its commitment to all sports and athletes" and that "the move reflects the desire to promote the broad range of sports medicine services and programs offered by Memorial Hermann."

In that shooting a cheating sack of crap who is well on his way to becoming the pitching equivalent of Pete Rose in terms of Hall of Fame estrangement in the ass with roids is, admittedly, a *very* narrow service...

NFL Picks, Week 17: Admitting You Have A Problem

The Week 17 picks are, perhaps, the hardest ones to write for the year. You get to do them in the midst of your Christmas routines, which is to say, when you barely have enough time to wipe, let alone think. Your money will be on teams with nothing to play for. The temptation to just take a knee and come out firing on Wild Card Weekend is strong.

But let's face it. People boo teams that just take a knee with money on the table, and they should. Play the game, not the clock.

I mean, so what if my 15 games over .500 record over 16 weeks just gets me a few hundred bucks from the sportsbook? It's the principle of the thing, the dream that my year's record will be something I can feel good about, along with the warm feeling you always get when you beat the odds and take the money home. So let's buckle the chinstrap, pay back the bastards that ruined us in head to head fantasy football leagues, and go to the FREE NFL Picks! (Lines provided by BetUs.com.)

New York at MINNESOTA (-6.5)

With last week's lucky but good overtime win over the Panthers, the G-Men clinched home field through the playoffs, and have little to play for this week. Some folks will think that Tom Coughlin will emulate last year's winning play against the Patriots by playing his starters, but I'm not one of them. Last year's team was an underdog that was in a historical situation of trying to knock off an undefeated team; this year's has everything it needs already, along with banged-up running backs that it will absolutely need to win in January.

Meanwhile, the Vikings, thanks to the Packers El Foldo on MNF (and what a fine year the brain trust in Wisconsin is having), are still at risk for losing the division and home field next week. At home, on a fast track, they'll get it done, provided Tavaris Jackson doesn't put it on the ground... and seeing how he's fairly nimble and the Giants won't care enough, that's not going to happen. Plus, any game where you might see David Carr is a game the G-Men aren't winning.

Vikings 27, Giants 17

Chicago at HOUSTON (-3.5)

Not sure why the home team is getting the favorite status here; you'd think that the Bears would be attracting more money, especially since they've got something to play for. The Texans also don't really create confidence after failing to take out the Raiders in Oakland last week. You can even make the Team Of Destiny talk happen for the Bears, since their season was saved on a chip-shot field goal block.

But what's tipping me to Houston is (a) the fact that the Bears have no one that can stay with Andre Johnson, which means the Texans will be at least 100 yards better on Sunday than they were last week against Nmandi Asomugha, (b) Kyle Orton suddenly looks like Kyle Orton again, (c) Matt Forte looks run down, and (d) home teams with the short MNF week are never a good idea the next week on the road. Even when they have something to play for.

Texans 27, Bears 20

Carolina at NEW ORLEANS (+3.5)

Will the #2 seed in the NFC really go into the post-season with back-to-back losses against a team with nothing to play for? Yes, if only because the Saints will be fired up to try to get Drew Brees his single-season passing yardage record. Also, it's high time that Jake Delhomme gave the world a crap game to scare money away from them. Also, the Saints are OK at running the ball in the red zone now that they've moved away from the big names (Reggie Bush, Deuce McCallister) and to the people who can actually do it (Pierre Thomas, Aaron Stecker).

A final aside: the Panthers have something to play for, but the NFC South home teams are 11-0 this year. So when this pick goes bad, as nearly all of my Panther picks do, you won't be surprised, right?

Saints 31, Panthers 24

St Louis at ATLANTA (-14.5)

A huge number to put down for a team that might not have too much to play for, but this Rams team is so close to the Quitting Line, they might not even line up for the second half. Expect Michael Turner to make his claim for the #1 RB in fantasy football after another 150 to 200 yard day here, and for the Falcons defense to reward Week 17 players with their waiver wire grabs. Heck, the Falcons might even wind up winning their division and the #2 seed. For a franchise that looked done for a decade from the Vick Debacle, it's beyond amazing.

The only chance the Rams have of covering this number is if Stephen Jackson cares and plays four quarters, which is to say, if he does something he didn't do in the entire year. The Rams lose their 10th straight with this one, which should cure the world of any inclination to hire Jim Haslett in a football-related capacity.

Falcons 31, Rams 10

KANSAS CITY (+3.5) at Cincinnati

This, in a nutshell, is why people hate fantasy football: the fact that an ungodly amount of money is going to be swayed by the likes of Tyler Thigpen and Cedric Benson. I like the road team to cover here, if only to continue the Ohio Misery. Also, the Bengals ran Benson 40 times last week, and that kind of workload kills good backs. What it does to a piece of crap like Benson won't be pretty to watch. (And yes, if you're betting this game hard, it's more Gambling Anonymous grist.)

Chiefs 24, Bengals 20

OAKLAND (+13.5) at Tampa Bay

Courage, gamblers. The Bucs have everything to play for. The Raiders are a terrible team with no functioning coach. The Bucs are in a good division; the Raiders, a terrible one. So why am I thinking the cover will happen? Well, the Bucs have been terrible against the run for weeks now, ever since Monte Kiffin told them that he wouldn't be back next year. Jeff Garcia never puts up a ton of points, and his best WR (Antonio Bryant) will go poof in this game against Asomugha. JeMarcus Russell has actually been tolerable for the past month, and Zach Miller is the best TE in the NFL that no one knows about. I'm not really expecting the upset here, but a cover is very possible.

Bucs 24, Raiders 17

Detroit at GREEN BAY (-9.5)

Independent of where you come out on the rooting side of a Winless Lions Season, the simple fact is that this Packers team is a *lot* better, and playing at home against a road dome team. Aaron Rodgers wants to make sure he has this job next year; the only loss of the year to the Lions is not the way to write the story of how 2008 really wasn't his fault. (And if you look at the 2007 13-3 Packers team, it's clear that they used up all of the 2008 team's luck. That, and it's cornerbacks. Someone needs to tell Al Harris about that fork in his ass.) Calvin Johnson being hurt doesn't help much, either.

Look for the Pack to get up early, probably on a Detroit turnover (the defense is quite good at scoring points, which makes their won-loss record even more inexplicable), and for the home team to feed Ryan Grant a lot in the second half. When it's all over, we'll finally be able to put away that Tampa '70s B-roll footage, too. Someone please find those guys and let them know that the media won't be plaguing them any more...

Packers 34, Lions 16

Tennessee at INDIANAPOLIS (+3.5)

Jim Sorgi! Vince Young! A bunch of running backs that normally return kicks! The payoff game for my cursed ownership of Anthony Gonzalez! Can you just smell the disappointment coming out of the NFL telecast booths that this game will mean squadouche, and that both coaches should play it accordingly?

Neither team can change their seeding in this; they can only get hurt and/or tip their hands for a possible second or third round matchup. So we should get a game that resembles August, and in that kind of contest, you're insane to put money down. Or to bet the road team. (The Colts also get the Chargers-Broncos survivor next week, so they're going to be very interested in making sure they're comfy in the hot tub on Sunday night.)

Colts 24, Titans 20

Cleveland at PITTSBURGH (-10.5)

I realize that every time I bet the Steelers and they lose, it's all my fault. But for heaven's sake, I like this number for the home team just on defense. Cleveland just went scoreless against the Bengals, for heaven's sake. And they are starting Bruce Gradkowski. On the road. The over-under in this game should be for the defensive team's points.

If you were Romeo Crennel, would you even show up for this game? You could get the jump on the airport traffic, and have the same impact on the contest, by just putting up a cardboard cutout and having some assistant move it with the line of scrimmage? You'd be warmer.

Steelers 31, Browns 6

NEW ENGLAND (-6.5) at Buffalo

Oh, the puling. You think Patriots Fan has been insufferable, folks? Just wait until his precious little 11-win team that played a kitten-soft schedule doesn't get their ticket punched for the postseason. I'd normally feel some sympathy, given their injury woes and the simple fact that more Chargers/Broncos football is really not good for anyone... but frankly, Pats Fans, your tears are SO YUMMY. (And this game will be closer than anticipated, just because after last week's "contest" against Arizona, they'll need some adjustment time for playing a team that cares a little. Fred Jackson also wants this job next year.)

Patriots 27, Bills 20

Seattle at Arizona (-6.5)

Crappy Redemption Time for the Cardinals, who want to avoid the monicker of Worst Team Ever to Host A Playoff Game. They get the Seahawks, who won their going-away game for Walrus Holmgren in the home snow against the reeling Jets. This week, the Cardinals will "muscle" up and Holmgren will lay down. The Cards will be up enough to bench their "stars" late, just to put the final dagger in the back of fantasy football owners. I'm angry just thinking about it.

Cardinals 31, Seahawks 20

Washington at SAN FRANCISCO (-3.5)

Two teams with nothing to play for, one team with a coach that will be there next year. The 'Skins come off a satisfying spoiler win against the Eagles at home, while the Niners pulled out a late win in St. Louis. So long as Shaun Hill doesn't turn the ball over, I like the home team to win a game that history will little note, nor long remember.

Niners 24, Redskins 13

MIAMI (+2.5) at New York

Oh, J-E-T-S- JETS JETS JETS Fan. The Favre Era hasn't gone well for you, has it? And to think, no one could have seen this coming, that a 40-year-old turnover machine with a terrible recent playoff record might (a) fade down the stretch, (b) annoy you with retirement talk, and (c) get recognition that he doesn't deserve (a Pro Bowl berth, when he should have lost his job).

The Dolphins have some issues here; they are a warm-weather team on the road, and they have less talent than the high-salaried home team. But they also have the better QB in Prodigal Son Chad Pennington, who will manage the game, hand off to their talented running backs, not make the killer mistake and win the game. The bitterness from J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS Fan should be something to see, and the booing will be legendary.

Dolphins 24, Jets 20

Dallas at PHILADELPHIA (-1.5)

So here's how this works. Since this is the 4:15 game, the teams will know if the game means anything, depending on the outcome of Bears-Texans and Raiders-Bucs. However, this won't matter at all to the outcome of the game, because it's that kind of game; hell, I expect the Eagles to be *better* if the game is meaningless, since that's the kind of perfect Screw Your Draft and Keep Your Cancerous Coach outcome.

Besides, it's a pressure situation, and I think we've proven what Tony Romo does in that kind of situation. (And with Marion Barber and Jason Witten still banged up, the Eagles defense will be much better than last time, and it'll be cold and nasty to keep the points down.)

Oh, and here's a fun fact: 1996 was the last year in which Dallas had a winning record in December. From hell's heart, I stab at thee, Cowboy Fan.

Eagles 24, Cowboys 20

Jacksonville at BALTIMORE (-12.5)

A lot of points to lay on a home team with a rookie QB, but the Jaguars are without top corner Rasheed Mathis, and the Ravens need the game for the playoffs. Baltimore might be a bit of a paper tiger, with an 0-5 record against playoff teams... but the Jags aren't a playoff team, and the Ravens are. Look for 200+ yards rushing and a defensive score, as David Garrard's season of misery finally ends.

Ravens 24, Jaguars 10

Denver at SAN DIEGO (-8.5)

The final game of the season is a play-in game for the right to host the Colts, and the Chargers will win this one easily, just to suck in a lot of money on people thinking they are (finally) on a roll.

If you are tempted to take the Broncos just because the Chargers are that kind of awful tease, consider this: Tatum Bell is the last healthy Denver running back. Don't expect much.

In a shootout (because Brandon Marshall and Eddie Royal will produce), look for Jay Cutler to turn the ball over more, and for LaDanian Tomlinson to make tens of millions of fantasy football owners curse bitterly as he finally has a breakout game in 2008.

Chargers 34, Broncos 24

Last week: 9-7

Year to date: 122-107-7

It's a Corpulent Life

Series of shots of various streets and buildings in the town of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. The streets are deserted, and snow is falling.

It is Christmas Eve. Over the above scenes we hear voices praying:

SHOOTER'S VOICE: Dear God, I promise to stop strangling hobos if you fire Andy Reid. Amen.

BULLET'S VOICE: Joseph, Jesus and Mary. All would do better than Andy Reid. Take him home, dear God.

MRS. REID's VOICE: Help him finally eat so much that he explodes tonight.

GARRETT REID'S VOICE: He never makes the right decision, God. That's my pop!

BRITT REID'S VOICE: I need more drugs, dear Lord. Fill up my anus with drugs. Oh, and kill Dad, since I can't seem to do it myself.

DONOVAN MCNABB'S VOICE: Please God, give me some wideouts that actually catch the ball when I throw it to them. Oh, and if you want to lose Fatso, that works for me.

BRIAN WESTBROOK'S VOICE: Please, God. Something is wrong with my legs. Help.

ZUZU'S VOICE: I'm just a fictional character that's designed to make you cry like a 12-year-old girl, and even I know he sucks eggs. Please keep Andy away from all of us, God.

CAMERA PULLS UP from the Reid home and travels up through the sky until it is above the falling snow and moving slowly towards a sky full of stars. As the camera stops we hear the following heavenly voices speaking, and as each voice is heard, the various stars twinkle brightly.

JEROME BROWN'S VOICE: Whassup, Joseph. Tell me again why I haven't gotten wings yet?

JOSEPH'S VOICE: Jerome, we've talked about this. No matter what Eagle Fan thinks, you don't get into heaven just from being really good at football and dying for no good reason.

JEROME'S VOICE: That's cold.

JOSEPH'S VOICE: Looks like we'll have to send someone down -- a lot of people are asking to be rid of a man named Andy Reid.

FRANKLIN'S VOICE: Andy Reid. Yes, tonight's only his 40th crucial night in the last three years. You're right, we'll have to send someone down immediately. Whose turn is it?

JOSEPH's VOICE: Well, that's just the thing. No one wants to go. I've asked everyone, and no one wants to have a thing to do with him anymore. You'd think that, with all of us being beatific beings, we'd be on this as part of our duty, but no one wants to get near him, on the off chance that failure and fatness is contagious.

JEROME'S VOICE: Dammit, I know what all a y'all are going to do. Send the brother on the fringe. Like I want any part of his fat ass.

FRANKLIN'S VOICE: Jerome, please. You're fairly large yourself.

JEROME'S VOICE: Not like him! For God's sake, I could move! I got quarterback pressure! I was absolute misery on screens!

FRANKLIN'S VOICE: Yeah, but look at you now. Getting that Eternal 15 and then some, aren't you?

JEROME'S VOICE: Screw you, whitey.

JOSEPH'S VOICE: Jerome, look, we'll make this simple. At exactly ten-forty-five PM tonight, local time, Andy Reid will be thinking seriously of throwing away God's greatest gift.

FRANKLIN'S VOICE: Mostly when the outraged townspeople throw him off a bridge.

JEROME'S VOICE: Dude, have you watched this man work or eat in the last five years? There's nothing new to this thought process.

FRANKLIN'S VOICE: Jerome's got a point.

JOSEPH'S VOICE: Look, do the right thing, you get your wings.

JEROME'S VOICE: Finally. It's worse than Canton up here.

CAMERA MOVES TO REID HOUSE, FADES INTO CLOSE SHOT OF ANDY REID

ANDY: God... God... Dear Father in Heaven, I'm not a praying man, but if you're up there and you can hear me, show me some more hot wings. I'm fresh out.

JEROME enters, breaking down the door with a quick shoulder burst.

ANDY: Wow. You're big, fast, strong. I'd hire you in a second to play defensive line for my team. But you're too big. I only like lineman that are built like linebackers. Small linebackers.

JEROME slaps ANDY hard.

ANDY: I'm sorry. That was my fault.

JEROME: Shut up.

ANDY: I've got to do better.

JEROME: You want me to slap you again?

ANDY: Maybe.

JEROME (visibly disgusted): Look, you fat tub of goo, I've watched you for the last ten years, along with everyone else in Philadelphia.

ANDY: OK.

JEROME: I'm your guardian angel. And not in a faggy New York way, either. I'm more dead than your playoff hopes.

ANDY: Well, you look like the kind of angel I'd get.

JEROME slaps ANDY hard.

ANDY: I'm sorry. That was my fault.

JEROME: Anyway, no one else wanted to be seen with your sorry ass, and the Turk in the Sky is going to give me my wings if I turn you around.

ANDY: OK. You wouldn't happen to have any wings on you, would you? I'd also take Krispy Kreme.

JEROME slaps ANDY hard.

ANDY: I'm sorry. That was my fault.

JEROME: S'alright. I've had worse days. (thinking) So, you think eating yourself to death, chronically mismanaging your talent, blowing every close game and becoming the division's bitch would... aw, hell, I don't know why you'd do that.

ANDY (dejectedly): Oh, I don't know. I guess you're right. I suppose it would have been better if I'd never been born at all.

JEROME: Done and done. (Lowers himself into a three point stance, then pops out and flattens ANDY like a pancake.)

ANDY (bleeding): Why did you do that?

JEROME: My hands were starting to hurt from slapping you. Anyway, you've never been born. You don't exist. You haven't a care in the world.

ANDY feels his stomach as JEROME talks.

JEROME: No worries - no obligations - no Philadelphia sports fans and media to placate with the same cliches that you've said a thousand times before. No kids in prison. No nationally televised Terrell Owens de-pantsing in a few days.

ANDY: Look at my feet!

JEROME: What about them?

ANDY: I can see them!

JEROME: Yeah, whatever.

WIPE TO: ANDY and JEROME outside a local sports bar. ANDY is hesitant to go inside.

JEROME: What's the matter?

ANDY (reluctant): Well, if I go in there, they'll throw rotted fruits and vegetables at me. And I'm kind of liking this ability to see my feet.

JEROME: Just get your ass in there.

WIPE TO: INTERIOR SPORTS BAR

JEROME: That's all right, no one's going to mess with you if you are with me.

CROWDS OF SPECTATORS: Holy crap, it's Jerome Brown!

JEROME: See? Now sit your less-fat ass down.

ANDY: But won't the bartender spit in my drink in front of me?

JEROME: Why would he do that? You never coached the Eagles. You never lost three straight NFC Championship Games, two of them at home. You never traded for Lorenzo Booker, drafted Jerome McDougle or Freddie Mitchell in the first round, and reached for Kevin Kolb to create a constant swirl of speculation around your star quarterback.

ANDY: Damn, I sucked.

JEROME: I'd go on, but I don't have to. You didn't exist.

ANDY: How did they do without me?

JEROME: Hell if I know. Ask the bartender. I just got the last ten years of my afterlife back.

ANDY: OK. Hey, bartender, how have the Eagles done in the last 10 years?

BARTENDER: Don't ask me. I'm a Bengals fan.

ANDY: Really?

BARTENDER: Sure, ever since the Eagles passed on Donovan McNabb for Ricky Williams. What that man has done in the Natti, with those wideouts, is just amazing. And to think, they could have been stuck with Akili Smith.

ANDY: Huh.

BARTENDER: Well, I'm from Ohio originally anyway, so I might not be the best guy to ask. Why don't you talk to that guy down there, in the WAYNE jersey. His name's Doug.

ANDY: Thanks. (Slides over.) Hey, the bartender tells me you're an Eagles fan. This will sound odd, but can you tell me how the team has done in the past 10 years?

DOUG (shrugging): Well, Ricky Williams and Jim Haslett looked like they'd be good for a little while, especially when they added the best wideout in the history of the franchise in 2001 with my man Reggie. But they were never able to find a decent QB after passing on McNabb, and after Ricky got caught with the weed, they really fell apart for a while there. I'm still amazed that Ryan Leaf took the Cowboys to a playoff game.

ANDY (grinning): Gee, that's too bad.

DOUG: But then we got Troy Polamalu in 2003, and watching him and Brian Dawkins kill people for the last five years has made me happier than you could imagine. And I'm really excited about when Felix Jones comes back next year.

ANDY: Oh.

DOUG: It's just football, you know? The Eagles go up and down, but so long as it seems like there's a plan and positive growth, I'm a pretty happy fan. And now that we've got Coach Spagnuolo and this local kid Joe Flacco, I really think we're going to be good next year. Besides, the rest of the division is made up of big money fools.

JEROME: Heard enough?

ANDY: I think so. Let's get out of here.

WIPE TO REID'S HOUSE

JEROME: So, that's what the world would have been like without you. The Eagles never sign Terrell Owens, because they have Reggie Wayne. They still haven't won a Super Bowl, but they also haven't had the ridiculous drama of the past few years. And I'm still dead, which really sucks.

ANDY: Yeah. I think I'm going to want to live again, though.

JEROME: Dude, why?

ANDY: Well, I still get to make McNabb throw it 50 to 60 times a game, and that's got to work eventually.

JEROME slaps ANDY hard.

ANDY: Also, there's the eating. I wouldn't want to miss the eating.

JEROME slaps ANDY hard.

ANDY: I'm sorry. That was my fault.

JEROME: Yes. Yes it is. Son of a bitch.

(roll credits)

Epic Drop: Top 11 sports grievances

A good fun-time link of hate and grievance, just in time for your favorite December holiday. I'VE GOT A PROBLEM WITH YOU PEOPLE!

Any time now, Fat Man

So, my fellow Eagles Fans, did you watch the whole thing? After all, they were only one play away for five straight drives, and the fact that four of them were three-and-outs didn't dissuade any hopes, did it. The Eagles had the ball 12 times today; 5 times they went off with alacrity, and only the final doomed drive got into double figures in plays. The finale, to Has To Be Gone WR Reggie Brown being the Kevin Dyson Yard away from sending it to likely overtime.

In trouble on the road, Fat Man Reid did what he always does; throw it a million times with utterly unimaginative playcalling and put everything on Donovan McNabb. He better keep him next year, because if he tries this nonsense with Kevin Kolb, he'll lose double-digit games. I'm also fairly sure that if he could have been eating during the game, he would have.

Showing that there is no mercy on this side of the grave, the loss doesn't eliminate them from playoff contention. They no longer control their fate, having disliked that kind of responsibility for the three hours of this game.

A hidden bummer factor before the game were the injuries to Kevin Curtis and Hank Baskett... which led to more of Brown and DeSean Jackson, who had four drops today, including one in the last minute that would have tied things. DJ's still the keeper in the unit, but he's clearly hit the wall this year, and when the talent is this underwhelming, going to the backups is not a recipe for success.

In the wreckage, take one moment of appreciation for the defense, which gave up their only touchdown on a short field after a fumble, and refused to quit late despite the offense giving them every reason to. Of course, they also forced no turnovers, but when you give up 10 points on the road, you should win.

I'm not sure what needs to happen here, talent-wise. Some people want a new TE, since LJ Smith is horrible and Brent Celek probably isn't good enough for full-time duty. Others want a new RB, since relying on Brian Westbrook to be healthy is right up there with depending on your 401K to retire -- previously sound, and now, not so much. Defensively, it'd always be nice to have a true two-gap defensive tackle for once, to actually make run stopping a matter of course, rather than concern. Others want the QB gone.

But there isn't anyone that I know that wants to see Reid on the sidelines again next year. The team is just too maddening to deal with in its current incarnation, too wasteful of talent, too deficient of planning. Even if they win next week, get into the playoffs and win games when they are there, it's just... well, let's put it this way. None of us are too shocked by today.

Leave, Reid. Whether by fork lift or cargo net is up to you, but it's Time. To. GO.

The Audacity of Green Hope

First and foremost, let's get the formalities out of the way. Andy Reid needs to resign. Clearly, the team is far too good to be just 7-5-1.

Now, having said that... here's the really scary part of the last two weeks.

Donovan McNabb (shh!) hasn't really played all that well. What has happened instead is that Brian Westbrook has gotten healthy, and the play calling has (finally?) gotten sane. Instead of trying to force big plays to DeSean Jackson, they've gone with much easier throws in the flat. Hell, against the Giants, there was even a positive game for LJ Smith. McNabb made some nice plays on third down, especially with his feet, but it's not like they were exposing him to 25 yard crossing routes.

This is, of course, all for the best. When your most physical receiver is either Jason Avant or Hank Baskett, relying on timing routes down the middle of the field is a good way to get your INT-averse QB to lose his way. The fools' gold that is big play drives (and an erratic offense, and a bad time of possession, which really isn't helpful for a small speed defense).

Finally, one last point about the offense. Nick Cole came in for this game to replace the injured Max Jean-Gilles. I don't mean to speak ill of the departed, and it's an odd thing to think that being on your third guard of the year might be a positive. But the simple fact is that they are getting push now, and they weren't before... and it's not as if they are suffering in pass protection. Heck, maybe it's even a plus because with Cole in, they are just more interested in calling running plays. I'll take it, however we get there.

Now, as to the defense... note that Omar Geither was shown the bench for the Cardinals game for Akeem Jordan, and that Joselio Hanson and Quentin Demps were getting some serious playing time against the Giants, rather than Lito Sheppard. In both cases, the team has gone for production over a name and/or pedigree.

Now, we can wonder why this didn't happen weeks and/or months ago. We can even chastise the regime for its stultifying sense of loyalty, and point out that if either of these changes had been made, maybe they add a game or more to their win total.

Or you can look at the changes as being a real and tangible reason for better play, and keys to a sudden and shocking resurgence into a Top 5 NFL team.

Very good time to go out on top, Fat Man.

Eagles-Giants: I Am Not Alone In My Disbelief

Just to be clear on this.. I still want Andy Reid to resign. Because ever since I threw the Biggest Loser under the bus, the Eagles are 2-0 with utter domination performances against two teams that are going to the playoffs, and have played their best two games of the season (assuming that you don't count the Rams game, and you really shouldn't).

How crazy good were the Eagles today? The final score could have easily been 26-0, on the road. It was 20-14 only on the second blocked field goal for a touchdown this year and a garbage time touchdown. Thanks to that garbage time drive, Eli Manning was able to post 13 for 27 for 123 and a touchdown; before that drive, it was more like 7 for 20 and 60 yards, though to be fair, he got absolutely no help from his receivers today. Dominik Hixson made every Giants fan think that the Plaxico Problem is going to be serious with a dropped deep ball that could have been six. Steve Smith made a bad drop on a third down play. Amani Toomer didn't have a catch before garbage time.

And that wasn't all. Antonio Pierce looked like a man who was just a wee bit distracted by life on two different Brian Westbrook touchdowns. Derrick Ward put a ball on the ground. Ahmad Bradshaw didn't do much, either. The Eagles just punched the Giants in the mouth with a repeated and effective running game; they even gave the ball to their best player, the suddenly hale Westbrook, 39 times (33 caries for 131, 6 catches for 72). Good grief. It was like they were well-coached or something.

Seriously, the best play for the Giants today was when the Eagles lined up for a field goal; that got them their only points, along with a morale-inspiring block.

For the road team, with the exception of David Akers -- and even he connected from 50+ today to give them the first lead of the day -- no one looked bad. They even covered tight end Kevin Boss very well today. Seriously, I have no idea who these guys wearing the laundry are; they bear almost no resemblance to the team that showed up the first twelve weeks.

And suddenly, it doesn't look too impossible for the team to make the playoffs. The Saints took out the Falcons, and the Eagles have the head-to-head matchup win there. Dallas and Washington are both underdogs in their late games today. The TB-Carolina loser will fall a game closer. They could be, at the end of the weekend, in the 8 spot with a game against the Cowboys at home still to play; all they'd need from there is a little more help from the NFC South to take the sixth spot, which would get them a road game against... the same Cardinals team that they obliterated on Thanksgiving.

Nice time to walk away, Andy. Think it over.

Week 14 NFL Picks: Gosh! So Unpredictable!

Last Sunday, every home team lost, causing any number of NFL commentators (well, OK, Al Michaels, but that's enough) to talk about how, holy moley, no one knows anything! Home teams like the Raiders and Rams lost! Rue and calamity! How do they keep the sportsbooks open, for heaven's sake?

In short, um, whatever, and please STFU, which should be your default for such things anyway, right? In the picks, I went 7-9, so I'm not going to complain too much about the unpredictability of it all, really. We're 16 games over .500 for the year, paying the rent, and ready to move into the final stretch where it helps very much to know which teams have quit (hello, Jaguars!), whether a quitting team will start trying again, and whenever possible, giving the love to the truly dominant teams that don't get enough spread respect (that'd be the Giants, Titans and Ravens, who very well might be the three best teams in football... and the sad part is how it's really just #1 and whatever).

And with that, on with the picks!

* * * * *

OAKLAND at San Diego (-9.5)

Yet another terrible Thursday night game, brought to you by the people who really need to be stopped. This one features two teams from a breathtakingly awful division, both of whom have made the jaw-dropping mistake of employing Norv Turner to be their coach. The Raiders, at least, don't do that any more, and despite the usual insanity from the front office, seem to have gotten what they should out of their talent level: they are, of course, horrible. The Chargers are said to be a talented team, but I'm not really buying that anymore: talented teams can rush the passer, start a RB with a burst (no, that's so not LaDanian anymore -- he'll be out of the league in 2-3 years), and have a much better #1 WR than Chris Chambers. And if you don't believe me on the last one, look at the won-loss record of teams that have employed Chris Chambers to be, well, a #1 wideout.

The home team will win this game, but it will be ugly in the stands (LA Raider Fan is scary, and Charger Fan doesn't really care enough to keep the seat right about now) and on the field, which makes me think... road cover. Oh, and if you're still holding out hope that Tomlinson will do something, just because he's historically owned the Raiders, consider that he's ran against terrible run defenses for the past month, and hasn't cracked 3.5 yards a pop.

Chargers 24, Raiders 17

Jacksonville at CHICAGO (-6.5)

Hoo, doggie, have the Jaguars ever quit. That MNF game was downright embarrassing, and now they have to go on the road to face an angry Bears team that is still alive in the NFC North "race". Jacksonville isn't a good matchup for this Bears team under the best of times, since you beat them via the pass and usually can't run on them, especially at home. Meanwhile, Matt Forte will continue to just run up an ungodly amount of points for his fantasy owners. To think, you'd have two top 10 backs in the fifth round or much later, had you just gone for Forte early, and Steve Slaton late. This could get ugly.

Bears 31, Jaguars 13

MINNESOTA (+9.5) at Detroit

Some people think this will be the week for the Lions, who know plenty about this Vikings team, will have the home field "advantage", and could take advantage of Gus Frerotte to stay relevant in the game. They also have a couple of extra days to prepare after the Thanksgiving day massacre, and the Vikings could be looking at a letdown after that dominating performance against Chicago -- a performance that could have easily gone the other way, had Matt Forte simply got in from the one, leading to a 99-yard bomb to Bernard Berrian that more or less ended things. Finally, the longest suspension in the history of the NFL came down this week, with the the Vikings Wall Of Williams coming down, leading to a sudden inability to stop the run up the middle. Or so the theory goes.

All of this, however, is overstating two very central truths. First, the Vikings need the game, and are on a quiet little roll that's making them start to look like an honest to goodness playoff team (albeit a very possible first round home loser). Second, the Titans ran the ball for 500 yards or so against the Lions last week, and neither of their backs is Adrian Peterson. (Oh, and his back-up is pretty good, too.) Third, the short-term motivation boost to the Vikings is going to be huge; they are going to be pissed off over losing their studs, and it won't be fatal to them until later (like, say, the week after in Arizona, and overwhelmingly in Weeks 16 and 17 for Atlanta and the Giants, though the Giants probably won't be playing for anything).

Vikings 31, Lions 16

HOUSTON at Green Bay (-6.0)

Two teams that I just keep picking, regardless of the results, in a game that only the weather will keep from breaking 50 combined points. The Texans get back Matt Schaub and have a fully operational Steve Slaton. The Packers keep losing close games that they absolutely have to have, and suddenly seem to want to split the carries from Ryan Grant and Brandon Jackson. I don't trust either of these defenses to do more than make a pick or two, and the Packers have returned a bunch of these for scores this year... but I'm not seeing this as a cover moment. (Oh, and if this game winds up happening in snow, I'm really going to regret taking the Texans to cover.)

Packers 34, Texans 31

Cleveland at TENNESSEE (-13.5)

I can't take this line fast enough. Cleveland is going to be starting Ken Dorsey -- Ken Dorsey! -- on the road against a vociferous defense, against a team that's just going to run the ball and grind them into paste. I wouldn't be surprised if the Titans' defense covers the spread by themselves in this game, and I can't see the Browns scoring more than 10 points. Heck, I'd take even money for a shutout. The only real danger for the Titans is making a big mistake early and giving the Browns the sense that they can actually play with this team. They can't, they won't, and you're going to be very happy to have laid the points well before halftime.

Titans 27, Browns 3

Cincinnati at INDIANAPOLIS (-13.5)

Waiting for the Colts to finally be, well, the Colts this year has been a long and frustrating drag. Week after week, they seem to have a perfect punching bag match-up in which to look like their old selves... and then they run into bad weather or a hurt Jeff Saturday, and yet they don't lose. They just fail to cover, fail to inspire, fail to look like the truly dangerous wild-card monster that plays their best football late in the year.

And yet, well, here they are again, against a Bengals team that actually played Jordan Palmer some last week, starts Cedric Benson at running back, has one win on the year with that infamous tie, and looks for all the world like a team that's going to lose by 20 points this week.

They will, of course, cover. But only because I'm still lighting a candle in the window for my fantasy Colts.

Colts 34, Bengals 16

ATLANTA at NEW ORLEANS (-3.0)

The Falcons just keep winning games, getting closer and closer to that wild-card berth (and, um, they still aren't out of it in the South, either) that absolutely no one saw coming, and winning over the one-time Vick Or Nothing fans of Peachtown. They go to New Orleans to visit the extraordinarily frustrating Saints, who saw non-MVP Drew Brees throw for just under 300 yards on the road in Tampa Bay last week, but also spit the bit with two late picks that led directly to a 3-point loss to the hometown Bucs.

This was a complete coin flip of a game to me; the Saints have a definite home field edge, haven't dropped two games in a row all year, and should score a great deal of points. But the Falcons just keep winning, they've got two running backs that should add up to 150 yards on the fast Superdome turf, and I'm tired of going to the river against these guys. It's their year. Oh, and the Saints losing two defensive ends to the diuretic suspension this week also doesn't help matters for them.

Falcons 31, Saints 24

Philadelphia at GIANTS (-7.0)

If you are an Eagles fatalist -- which is to say right about now, an Eagles fan -- there's really no good way this game can go down. If you somehow win, it's great, but it's still probably not enough to get you into a wildcard, and between their above-average won-loss record and the shockingly dumb Panthers trade (yes, we could have the Titans' Chris Johnson with that pick, or perhaps a healthy Felix Jones), their draft will suck. If you lose, the season's over and we're into the Meaningless Games Portion of the program, and there's really nothing very appealing about that, either. This isn't a good enough organization that you really want to see the back-ups, folks.

For the Giants, it's another week to execute a bloodless killing of a desperate division rival. Maybe this is the week that they actually miss Burress, who has historically owned the Eagles. Perhaps Plax will bring down Antonio Pierce, which could really start to impact them in coverage. Eli has a history of weak December performances, some of them at home; it wasn't so long ago that he was throwing multiple touchdown passes to the Vikings in a start that looked like the end of the Coughlin regime. If Brandon Jacobs is banged up, along with Ahmad Bradshaw, then Derrick Ward starts to look ordinary. Brian Westbrook went crazy Broadway-style last week, and got an extra two days of rest after that. There is Hope.

And the Giants are very, very good at crushing that.

Giants 27, Eagles 17

Kansas City at DENVER (-9.0)

Who can figure out this awful division? Denver earned back it's D last week with a startling win in New York against the Jets. The Chiefs bounced back from somehow giving up 50+ points to the Bills at home to holding a road opponent (OK, it was the Raiders) to 13. At least we now know who is going to go to the playoffs from this collection of turds, and maybe they'll finally start to get on a little bit of a roll, especially with Patrick Hillis giving the Denver running attack a pulse.

Tyler Thigpen will rack up some yards (were you aware that he's ran for more yards than any other QB in the league this year? Why, yes, nearly all of the black QBs *did* lose their jobs!) and numbers in this one, but Kansas City isn't very good at ball control, and the only thing that should stop Jay Cutler in this game is if he makes the ball slippery with his drool. It also doesn't hurt at all that the home team might be getting back Champ Bailey, which will give them an infinite increase in good cornerbacks. (Going from zero to one is, after all, an infinite increase.)

Broncos 30, Chiefs 20

MIAMI at Buffalo Not Really (NL)

The game is in Toronto, which means this entry has extra u's in the words and exchanges for more than the American version. Take off, eh?

The Dolphins keep winning games against terrible teams. The Bills are more or less impossible to predict, with wins and losses seemingly coming at random; I'm not sure just how you lose to the Niners at home, especially since the Niners were going against that Unfathomably Deadly West Coast team at 1pm EST thing. But it becomes a little more understandable when you dig into the box score of that game, where Trent Edwards left with a groin injury and did not return, leaving the game in the less than capable hands of JP Losman.

I'm going with the Fish despite the difficulty of going north in December under the understanding that Buffalo will be saddled with Los(er)man; if Edwards is back, I'd probably go with the Bills, who are suddenly getting a lot out of Marshawn Lynch. But the Fish are crafty, have a pretty good running game of their own, and just seem to have more going for them right now. Besides, the Bills deserve to lose for this insult to their real fans.

Dolphins 24, Bills 21

NY JETS at San Francisco (+4.0)

Last week in New York, the Jets were down a touchdown to the Broncos after Thomas Jones scored his second touchdown of the day on a 29-yard burst where the RB rolled over a defender, avoided touching a knee or elbow on the turf, then went to the end zone as the Broncos decided against any more effort on the play. At the time, the Jets were averaging 9.9 yards per carry on a day where cold rain was pouring down sideways, thanks to a strong wind.

Now, here's a fun question. How many, of the next 25 offensive plays for the Jets, were runs?

Let's see, horrible weather, wild success running with a main back that's been dynamite for the last six weeks. The back-up, Leon Washington, has been providing big plays in very limited touches. The opponent is bad at stopping the run. The weather favors, strongly, running the ball. Your QB, while having a good year, has still thrown more picks than anyone else in the history of professional football.

And the answer is... four! Four, four, four runs against 21 passes.

And it got sillier than that. On multiple fourth-down calls in the second half, Jets head coach and offensive coordinator Eric Mangini kept throw, throw, throwing, despite the fact that it didn't work once. Meanwhile, the Broncos kept, um, running the ball, and quite effectively too, with Patrick Hillis having a career day despite the presence of Kris Jenkins and what had been a very stout Jets run defense.

Honestly, I have no idea what Mangini was thinking, but I'm assuming he'll learn something from this. Or, at least, that his defense will do better against Shaun Hill, who is, well, no Jay Cutler. Of course, if this winds up being a mud slop Candlestick game... Mangini will throw it every down. The man makes Andy Reid look sane.

Anyhoo... I have no idea why the line is so low, other than New Yorkers might just hate themselves and are convinced that the Jets are going to spit the bit. Vegas needs to remind themselves that the Niners are starting Hill, and that he's a turnover machine. It'll remind Saint Brett of when he was well, himself.

Jets 24, Niners 17

NEW ENGLAND at Seattle (+4.5)

Oh, what a difference a week makes. Seven days ago, Matt Cassel was a home favorite against the Steelers, cheaper, younger and healthier than Dreamboat Brady, and coming off consecutive 400-yard passing days. Now, he's a tarnished non-star who can't even command a touchdown preference over a terrible, terrible Seahawks team that's making Seattle Fan look forward to WNBA season. (Seriously, they are.)

Seattle comes off an evisceration in Dallas on Thanksgiving that is said to have made Mike Holmgren cry. No, really. You see, there are just four more games left for the increasingly unhinged -- look at those tusks grind! -- overrated non-legend before he's pushed out onto an ice flow. And that's a darn shame right about now, because with global warming and the relatively early season that's happening in the Northwest, Mike doesn't stand a chance. Swim, Mike, swim!

Patriots 27, Seahawks 21

St. Louis at ARIZONA (-14.0)

Kurt and Brenda Warner Will Be Avenged! And with significant scoring, much to the delight of his fat and happy fantasy owners. Expect a big bounce-back game from Anquan Boldin, who might have played the worst game of his life in Philadelphia on Thanksgiving day, and some nice vulture moments from disappointing starting running back Tim Hightower.

For the Rams... no, I'm sorry, you can't pay me enough to talk about the Rams. Torry Holt is ancient and sad, their quarterbacks are awful, their lines aren't very good, and if Stephen Jackson and Donnie Avery aren't on their games, they don't have a single offensive player that you'd want anywhere near your team. The Cardinals are going to enjoy this game.

Cardinals 41, Rams 16

Dallas at PITTSBURGH (-3.0)

Truly the best game of the week, and why this isn't the SNF game, I'll never know. Dallas should be able to put pressure on the QB. Pittsburgh should be able to make Dallas one-dimensional, even if that dimension is Marion Barber; he's got a 15 carry for 40 yards day staring him down, and that's assuming his foot is OK. The Cowboys should be able to score some points through the air, as Ike Taylor has looked susceptible in coverage, and Tony Romo has a knack for extending the play. Pittsburgh should be able to keep the chains moving on the ground, and could truly exploit the secondary.

Dallas needs the game more, but Pittsburgh is dreaming of the #2 seed and that crucial first-round bye, so that's really not a factor, either. The Cowboys get back Adam "Mister" Jones, which is probably a push; he's talented and helps their depth, but he's also a distraction and hasn't really played well at all in a Cowboy uniform.

It will come down to which team doesn't make the big mistake, and the home crowd will help matters there. I'm also really hating the 3 point spread here, as it's looking like a pure push to me. So... give me the home team. Barely. This should be a classic.

Steelers 28, Dallas 24

Washington at BALTIMORE (-5.0)

The SNF game looks like a bit of a squash to me, as the Ravens are just tough and with a real play-making defense, while the Skins are increasingly beat-up and don't make big plays on defense. I also think that I trust Joe Flacco more than I do Jason Campbell, especially at home, even though these teams are close enough that there should be rampant cross-pollination in the stands. (Of course, since Redskins Fan couldn't keep his stadium in check from the Steeler Nation, it's not like he's really going to make his voice heard against the Purple Flock.)

Give me the Ravens in a surprisingly easy one. It's taken a while this year, but the 'Skins are what we thought they were... a borderline .500 team that won't be in the playoffs.

Ravens 24, Redskins 13

TAMPA BAY at Carolina (-3.0)

A MNF game that matters, but won't be pretty. Tampa comes in with an impressive defensive win at home over the Saints. The Panthers got what could have been their best win of the year in Green Bay, as they lost a second-half lead but then came back to clinch it late, with do-everything WR Steve Smith making the huge plays to set up the win.

The smart thing to do when NFC South teams play each other is just close your eyes and take the home team; these are teams that just don't travel well. It's also truly stomach-churning to take Jeff Garcia on the road, especially when his running game is in a state of flux. But I'm down on this Panthers team, and will be for at least one more week, as the two-headed running attack is now down to one... and Jake Delhomme against this Bucs defense doesn't inspire. It won't be pretty.

Bucs 16, Panthers 14

Last week: 7-9

Year to date: 100-84-4

Why Andy Reid Eats

THE MEAT IS TALKING TO HIM. MUST.... STOP..... THE MEAT.....

Eagles 48, Cardinals 20

So the mean fat man that makes Mommy and all of us kids cry came back over tonight, and I have to say, it was surprisingly nice. He brought great presents for all of the kids, told funny jokes, didn't touch us when no one was looking, didn't eat all of the food of our plates and didn't make us sit in the corner and cry.

I think he even washed himself so he didn't smell so much like failure and stale Krispy Kreme.

I have no idea what made him clean up his act, but Mommy was very happy. It was almost like the old days, when he used to take us to nice places and everything seemed so much better. You know, back when those neighbor kids wearing the stars, Indian heads and letters on their clothes seemed real jealous of us.

Some of the kids want to think it's all going to be all right, and that the fat man won't touch us anymore, now that Mommy told him to stop. But I don't trust the fat man. I think he's still going to do bad things to us later, and that he's just trying to fool us into thinking it's all OK.

I mean, I *hope* he's not going to do that anymore...

Epic Drop: Top 12 reasons why Andy Reid is starting Donovan McNabb on Thursday

Your list is here, and the discerning reader will note how I'm going to just let loose on the fat jokes at Reid's expense.

This might be unfair and uncaring, given that obesity is a disease, and we're certainly not going to help this man's obvious self-hatred issues with mockery.

This, of course, assumes that I want to help the man. I don't. I want him away from my football team.

Anyway, go, click, chortle, drool. Mmmm, bacon donuts...