The Manny Taint

I'm not going to dig too deeply n the ManRam story here today. Someone in Blogfrica has to avoid it, and frankly, there's nothing here that we haven't seen a hundred times before, and with each time it happens, it shocks a little less. It also says something that the biggest story here isn't that he cheated, but that MLB caught him, and is actually going to subject him to the same punishment that it has given to the borderline players that have been caught before. JC Romero and Manny Ramirez, equal in the eyes of the law. That's a little refreshing, on some level.

Assuming no further complications (a big assumption, but one that's relatively safe, given the amount of money that's behind ManRam's rehabilitation), he'll return in early July. The Dodgers will still be in first place in the mostly putrid NL West. Given Manny's advancing age and interest in proving the world wrong after this scandal, they might even be better off for this in the long run, given that they'll have a much fresher Ram for their playoff run.

The only thing this does is take the Dodgers down from a 100-win team to a 96-win team, because even though ManRam makes their whole lineup better, it's not like they don't have a good lineup without him, and a weak division to kick around. The biggest hit in the Man Ram saga is all of his fantasy owners, who now get to hate him just as much as his non-owners. It's a bonding moment for all of us, really.

But before we put this thing to bed, I'd like to talk about the New England major sports champions of the last decade, and how every single one of them -- yes, amazingly, all of them -- are now more or less trading in dirty trophies. (And before Boston Fan jumps to conclusions as to how I'm clearly a New York Fan to go here, um, nope. Sorry about that.)

The Patriots, you know about, and the NFL's remarkably tone-deaf treatment of the matter means that we'll never really be able to put that team to bed. The 2004 Red Sox are loaded with guys that fit the profile of Roid Achievers, and their right-handed offensive linchpin is now an admitted cheat. ManRam is still a major contributor in 2007, along with a number of other likely suspects. The 2008 Celtics are the cleanest of the bunch, and they get to the Finals when a Hall of Fame ex-player packages his franchise player for a package of guys that play on just one side of the court, if at all.

This causes me no real joy. A tainted title is a wound that doesn't heal, and makes you wonder, really, why you bother watching the games.

But on the plus side, we get to hear Boston Fan cry about how awful this all is, and how everyone cheated and... zzzzzz... sorry, nodded off there. Enjoy your ignominy, Manny. Especially if, as some in Blogfrica are speculating, your cheating came from sexual performance doping, rather than pure athletic performance cheating. Nice legacy.

The Brady Effect

It's been kind of fascinating to scan the various fantasy football sites and gauge the reaction to the end of Tom Brady's season. Like all things involving Patriot Fan, it starts with coddling and moves right to provoking a desire for face-slapping... and this is coming from a guy that won Brady at auction in my most important league, investing not just a high pick, but 20% of my team's salary in him.

Darren Rovell, seemingly the only man in sports to have a working knowledge of economics, estimated the shift caused by the Brady injury at $150 million. No one knows exactly which orifice he pulled that number out of, but in so doing, he got himself another note in the collective memory, so good for him.

Considering that the injury happened after the season had started, the "impact" is simple -- some teams that might have won their league won't, while some other teams will. Nothing more, nothing less.

Depending on your league, Brady probably went as high as 2, and as low as 10 -- in other words, more or less exactly where Stephen Jackson and Larry Johnson went in their doomed 2007 seasons. Where was Darren Rovell then? Why didn't Yahoo lead off their fantasy coverage with "Stay in the game" headlines for Jackson and Johnson's owners?

Oh, right, because they are running backs on teams without significant fan bases. Which means that the people who drafted those guys might have been bummed or bent out of shape, but they weren't as likely to take their ball and go home because Tommy Dweamer wasn't going to give them numbers. (Maybe -- and just maybe -- it's also because the switch from Brady to Cassel means lower numbers for your other Patriots like Moss and Welker. I'm still not buying it, though.)

If I were a longtime Patriots Fan (and not a 2007 Masstermind, inspired by their outstanding moral character), I'd be offended by this level of coverage for my team. Injuries happen; we're men; move along. When Randall Cunningham went down for the year against the Packers in Green Bay in week 1 in his prime, I was bummed out for weeks and Randall was never the same. I also don't remember nationwide support group meetings over my loss. Same with Donovan McNabb's various injuries.

Once again, Boston Fan has Special Emotional Needs that need to be addressed, and the rest of the nation will wonder what's in the drinking water up there to turn them all into such whiny ass titty babies. Especially since they have, you know, won a lot of things recently, really.

Oh, and while I'm going here, let's give them a good farewell scare. Booga booga, terror plot!

Epic Drop: Top 11 Condolence Gestures for Patriots Fan Over The Brady Injury

Ready for the real inside story behind the Tom Brady injury? It's very simple: I own him in my most important league.

It's just the latest and greatest moment in my Masstermind Fandom, but don't worry, Patriots Fan... I'm not going away! You've got me for the duration, all the way through the upcoming season and beyond, as the good times fade and the rest of the league delights in your misery, your horror as other teams pass you by, and as it all turns to hell... it'll just be you and me, Patriots Fan!

But it'll all be OK, because I'm sure that all of you will be there for the team on the ride down, right? Let's make a pact. Nobody off the bandwagon!

Apologizing for happy endings

One of the things that I like to do on the weekends is watch rented DVDs with my kids. The eldest tends to drive the itinerary, and since she's eight years old and female, she's into horses. Today's was a DreamWorks production ("Dreamer"), in which Dakota Fanning and Kurt Russell manage a broken down horse into a Breeder's Cup win. It's not bad, as these things go, and while I was taking care of the laundry, I fired up the director's commentary. In it, the guy more or less apologized for giving the film its by the numbers happy ending, like a kids movie about a horse isn't going to end with a win.

And it made me think, on some level, that this must be what it's like to be a thoughtful Boston fan.

We will likely never see a single city win as much and as often as Boston has in this decade. To start with, there's only a handful of cities with the ability to not only win the major sports leagues, but with the kind of owners that are actually willing to try for it. So that cuts the list down to maybe a dozen areas, and then you balance that against the dozen to two dozen to one odds for each league. There is, of course, no real synergy in a city when a team wins; we only think there is because every time it happens, we as sports fan notice.

In the Philadelphia of my youth, there was a similar run, though not nearly as potent. The Phillies broke through in 1980 for the franchise's lone championship, and then the Eagles rode the crest of the Vermeil Era wave to a Super Bowl appearance. The Sixers, who had been knocking on the door since they bought Julius Erving in 1976, eventually broke through against the Lakers. The USFL Stars, a team that meant much to me, were also champions, and the city more or less claimed the Villanova miracle team as their own. Add in the region's eternal taste for Penn State football, and I grew up more or less convinced that Philadelphia, of all places, was a town of champions.

The Eagles faded first, with Vermeil burning out. The Phiillies were old when they won, and got even older for the 1983 team that snuck their way into a World Series where the Orioles handled them with ease for Cal Ripken's only championship. The Sixers hit the wall when Moses Malone stopped being the best player in the game, and soon imploded with bad deals and the crippling Andrew Toney injury. And while the franchises have aligned at times in the 2000s to all be competitive, and indeed, even all be playoff-level, none have won a championship since. It takes a lot to get one, even if it doesn't seem that way when one city gets six and counting.

Which Boston franchise will fall first? Well, you can make the argument that the Patriots are already on the downside, with the argument that Spygate and 18 and One Very Big One means that they are primed for further disasters now. It also doesn't speak much for Tom Brady that the last three quarterbacks to beat him in a playoff game are Eli Manning, Peyton Manning and Jake Plummer. But if you had the ability to change your franchise for theirs on personnel and coaching, I'm not sure there's a fanbase in the NFL that wouldn't make the switch. You've still got no worse than top 5 talent at the skill positions, a high draft pick from the Niners, and a front office that finds players even in bad draft positions. They're not going away, especially in a division that's as bad as the AFC East currently is.

The Red Sox may be the best long-term bet for Boston Fan moving forward. The stacked deck nature of MLB+ means that they really won't have as much competition for that crown as you might think, and their tactical advantage over many other organizations -- starting with the willing embrace of sabermetrics and continuing through vastly superior medical practices, including the benchmarking and hoarding of pitching -- is almost as great. Look at what happens when Boston has an injury; for the most part, they bring up a player who is above the league median, and they gain valuable experience, for both future use and trade value. Meanwhile, other teams bring up retreads and try to patch. The Sox play in a murderous division in a game where success and failure is pretty close, but if I had to choose one team to win in MLB just about every year, it's them.

Which leaves us, finally and most fitfully, to the Celtics. This may be just my blind hatred talking here, but I can not see this team creating a new era of championship banners in the new Garden rafters. The first thing that happens to championship teams is that they don't try as hard again the next year, especially on defense. This Celtics team won, of course, on that defense. The Big Three of Garnett, Allen and Pierce are all on the downside of their career, with Allen especially looking like he wasn't a top tier player until late in the playoff season. With another 80+ games in front of them, he's not going to be getting any better.

They have, of course, a quality bench, and if and when Rajon Rondo can master his road fears and shoot free throws, he's got a chance to be a top 10 point guard in the Association. Garnett could teach Kendrick Perkins more of an offensive game, too. But the rest of the East will get better in the offseason (look for Chicago to bounce a long way back with a high pick, Orlando to get a year better and meaner with Dwight Howard, the Sixers to start making some trouble with a developing Thaddeus Young, and even the Knicks to make life difficult, by no longer being an auto-win). In the West, Laker Fan dreams of a triumphant return from Andrew Bynum, which would allow for the even more triumphant departure of Vladimir Radmanovic; if the West thought that the Lakers were a tough matchup with Gasol and Odom and 5 and 4, they're an absolute nightmare at 4 and 3. The Spurs will be back to their odd year championship pattern, with a presumably healthy Manu Ginobili bringing more to the table. If you were handicapping the 2008-09 NBA winner right now, Boston is probably not the favorite. It's the way of these things.

And, of course, there is always the possibility that the Boston luck will just run out, as it did in Philadelphia 25 years ago. It doesn't really take much -- a coach ejection, an ownership shake-up, a dead draft pick -- to put you back into the wilderness.

Because, in the end, you should always bet on entropy and decay and unhappy endings, regardless of what the audience expects, or even demands. (Just don't expect someone else's unhappy ending to be your happy one. I was, after all, born and raised as a Philly Fan...)

One Final Note from Patriot Nation

Golf clap (and a h/t to KSK).

Wash Someone's Face Like A Patriot

This is a new one on me. The practice from the NHL is to get your gloves as rank as possible, then shove your hand in your opponent's face, so that they flip out and draw a penalty. The article gets into the mechanics of how it's done, as well as how the NHL has no penalty for it, beyond of course, the generic unsportsmanlike conduct.

Now, lest you think that this kind of disgusting practice is dependent only on the Canadians and Others that make up the NHL... when I was in the Bay Area, a friend of a friend covered the Golden State Warriors. He also had the misfortune of getting close to Adonal Foyle, the Warriors' undersized and undertalented center. Let's just say that Foyle didn't, well, stress personal hygiene on game day, as part of his effort to make sure that he could get better positioning for rebounds. It's also common knowledge that many NBA players will file their fingernails into sharp points, once again to get any possible edge. Take a close look at any power forward, you'll see marks all over the place. It ain't pretty.

Finally, of course, there's the ultimate story of Art Donovan, the Colts' defensive lineman and author. He had a great anecdote of playing against the New York Giants at the Polo Grounds in New York, the week after the circus had been to town... and discovering large clumps of elephant crap on the field. So he and his defensive line cohorts spent the better part of the day shoveling handfuls of ele-poo into their opponent's faces before the snap, and laughing their asses off. They also got beat, of course, because playing defense against enraged linemen while laughing is not easy.

Which is all a very roundabout way of letting you know that the dear Massterminds have started an online petition to look into the awful and tragic events of the last 100 seconds of the Super Bowl. No, seriously.

Far be it for this blog to recommend going over and signing the petition with the equivalent of a face wash, or a Foyle Ploy, or the Donovan Toss. That would be, you know, less than sporting, really. And if the aftermath of this NFL season has taught us anything, it's that returning acts of sportsmanship in full and equal measure isn't just the right thing to do... it's the only thing to do.

Masstermind Round-Up: The Day After

I've been up all night, Nation, trying to figure out how We lost that game. Here's the best that I can come up with.

Coach Belichick made us lose. On purpose. Because He's A Genius.

Hear me out on this, my fellow so close to Perfectriots. (Luckily, I still have patent on that, and I think my bid for the URL is going to be accepted now. It will all pay off in the long run.)

Coach knew that no matter what, this year was going to be defined by Spygate. He also knew that if the team finished off the 19-0 year, he'd have no way to motivate them next year, and Coach is all about planning for the future. Finally, he had to teach all of us -- the Patriot Nation -- a bitter, bitter lesson. We were not worthy.

And by We, of course, I mostly mean You.

We didn't do enough. We weren't big enough homers. We didn't embrace the non-darkies on the team enough. We allowed ESPN to occasionally cover other teams in the league. We didn't have Gregg Easterbrook killed -- something that I'm certain most other fanbases would have also supported. When the Patriots were running up the score earlier in the year like the biggest heel wrestlers ever, we didn't enjoy it enough. Some part of Us wondered if we weren't just being, you know, irredeemable assholes that the rest of the world would delight in our defeat. We were weak.

Well, no more. Now, with this resolve-testing loss on all of our heads, we'll be.... we'll be.... we'll be....

WWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I CAN'T DO IT! I CAN'T DO IT! THE PATRIOTS LOST! TO THE FREAKING GIANTS! WWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SOMEBODY HOLD ME! I'M SO COLD AND LONELY AND SAD AND NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE ME AGAIN AND I'M GOING TO DIE COLD AND ALONE AND UNLOVED WITHOUT THE PATRIOTS EVER EVER EVER EVER GOING 19-0 AND WINNING EVERY GAME AND COVERING EVERY SPREAD! IT'S BEEN YEARS, YES, PLURAL, YEARS SINCE THE PATRIOTS WON THE CHAMPIONSHIP AND ALL WE HAVE NOW IS OUR DEFENDING CHAMPION BASEBALL TEAM AND OUR CONTENDING CHAMPION BASKETBALL TEAM AND OUR LOADED 18-1 FOOTBALL TEAM THAT HAS THE 7TH PICK IN THE DRAFT AND ALL OF IT IS MEANINGLESS BECAUSE THE PATRIOTS LOST! TO THE FREAKING GIANTS! WWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(breaths, gulps, repeats)

I'm OK. Just, um, got a little emotional there. That's OK, right? It doesn't make me less of a professional in Coach's eyes, does it? It's OK, we'll just take it out in the edit. Like the final game of the DVD of the season. Though that pre-game show where Terry Bradshaw went down on Brady was kind of awesome. I mean, we would have all done it, but it was nice of Brady to let an old bald guy have a turn, too.

So, anyway. Coach made us lose to make sure we'd be better next year, just as he made us lose Deion Branch so that he could get Randy Moss, just as all of the other Patriot championships are completely valid 3-point domination wins, and this is a completely invalid 3-point fluke loss.

I feel better now. Now, if you don't mind, I'm off to take a week-long bubble bath, and drink myself to poisoning levels on five different kinds of schnapps. Oh, schnapps. You're always perfect. You'll never fail me...

This one goes out to all of the non-Massterminds out there

We're not unreasonable. I mean, no one's going to eat your eyes.

Pyrrhic Celtics

Last night in the Association saw the hometown Celtics improve their record to 34-7 with a one-point win over the... Timberwolves? And here's the lead from the AP:

The players at the end of the Boston bench kept looking over their shoulders to the tunnel to see if Kevin Garnett was coming back out of the locker room.

They didn't need to worry.

"I wasn't going to do anything that would to jeopardize my future," Garnett said after his last-second steal helped the Boston Celtics beat the Minnesota Timberwolves 87-86 on Friday night. "But my philosophy has always been that if I can play, if I can run, if I can move, if I can blink, if I can wake up in the morning, I'm going to play."

It was just an abdominal strain, and not really any issue for Garnett to recover from. But take a look at the minutes that the Celtics starters logged -- Pierce 42:15, Allen 40:25. For the 7-35 Wolves?

The next best record in the East? Detroit, at 31-13. And yet, here are the Celtics and Doc Rivers, at the halfway mark of the season, still managing minutes as if they had a shot at the all-time win mark, or as if they were scrambling for the 8th seed. For the year, Pierce and Allen are 18th and 19th in the entire NBA in minutes per game.

There are only three teams that put two of their players on the floor more than the Celtics. They are the Wiz (Butler and Jamison), who are down Arenas and trying to stay afloat, the Warriors (Davis and Jackson), an intriguing also-ran in the West who need home court to do anything in the playoffs, and the Magic (Howard and Lewis), who at least are burning with young gas.

Neither of those duos have the miles of Pierce and Allen, and of course, none of them are on teams with the kind of margin of error that the Celtics' fast start have given them.

You have to go to the 52nd and 57th ranked players by minutes per game, which would be Rip Hamilton and Tony Parker, to find a Piston or Spur. And in other news, the Celtics are 5-4 in their last 9 games, and, um, beat the T-Wolves by a freaking point. At home. Next stop: totally shocking injuries!

FTT Saves You Over 4,500 Words of Bill Simmons

I enjoy masturbating to the 2007 Patriots.

I also enjoy masturbating to the 1986 Celtics.

It is hard to decide which team is more deserving of my masturbation.

I will have to think about it some more.

Stop Digging Up Dead Patriots

The Patriots are doomed.

Why do I think that, other than my usual Masstermind combination of preening self-confidence mixed with Woe Is Us defeatism that has been hardened in the last several years of championship-free football?

Because of a recent story in the NYTimes (registration required, but it's free) in which the Patriots are reminded of how this season is dedicated to the memory of Marquise Hill. Hill was a defensive lineman and second round draft pick in 2004 who died in the off-season when he drowned after a water scooter accident. (He's the 91 on the back of their helmets.)

I had forgotten all about Hill by now, as I'm sure most of you have as well -- and I want to credit All-Father Coach Belichick for not letting this distract the team up to now.

But with those bastards in the Patriots Hating Media digging up the tragic loss of a guy that had a boating accident while not wearing a life preserver, I'm suddenly terrified that we (because WE are all in this together, and MY contribution to the Patriots undefeated season can not be undervalued) will lose because of Hill. And more importantly, our remembrance of his passing.

Let's look at the track record of Inspirational Dead Or Hurt Guy:

1) The Washington Redskins were touched by tragedy in the passing of Sean Taylor. Then, they were touched by the Seahawks defensive lineman in a 21-point road loss in the first round of the playoffs.

(Side note -- by defeating the Redskins, the Seahawks acquired the rights to Taylor's ghost, which is why they will lose this weekend in Green Bay, and why the Packers will lose later on in the playoffs. Say what you will about Taylor, but I have to admit to being disappointed in his performance as a specter. He just hasn't realized his potential.)

2) The Buffalo Bills stared mortality in the face when backup tight end and FTT Obsession Kevin Everett was paralyzed on a special teams play. Everett came back to make two highly inspirational appearances to his teammates, both of which preceded devastating Bills' losses. Without Everett's poisonous inspiration, Buffalo could have won those games and made the playoffs.

3) The Patriots???

(I won't even get into how the Eagles lost after Jerome Brown died. It's still too painful. I'll be back in a minute, so please, discuss among yourselves.)

Phew, that was hard.

Anyway, the point is that Inspirational Dead Guy or Hurt Guy is 100% Loser Fuel. It's cheap emotion that will get you all pumped up in the pre-game huddle, but once the hitting starts, your mind can't help but think, "Damm, as much as I'm inspired by Dead Or Hurt Guy's Memory, you know what would be more inspirational right now? Dead Or Hurt Guy Playing Well."

Or the stray but poisonous thought that Dead or Hurt Guy (or his family) will be getting the same pay as you would from a Super Bowl share. Dead or Hurt Guy also gets to stay back in the hospital and get lots of hot Pity Sex from the awestruck nurses, or the attention of dozens of comely virgins in Football Valhalla. Meanwhile you're stuck in the cold trying to break a wedge. Suddenly, everyone wants to be Inspirational, rather than Actual.

No, the best way to honor the memory of Hurt Dead Guy, beyond a sticker or armband on an increasingly crowded helmet (side note: without the brave work of Rudy Guiliani, I'm fairly sure I'd have forgotten 9/11 by now), is to make them Forgotten Guy.

That's what Coach Belichick did, aided by the fact that Hill had the common courtesy to die in the off-season. Like a *good* teammate, and True Patriot.

But now that those media bastards have made the Patriots game against the Jaguars a Tribute to Hill, we're dead. And let's face it -- football players die all the time. But the besmirching of the Patriots Perfection? That would be a real tragedy.

Thank you, and good night.

16 and My Oh Face

A quick five points from tonight's Festival of Fun...

1) In the first half, when a Patriots DL did not get called for an eye poke and Bryant Gumbel questioned whether it was, in fact, the right call... because it did not look intentional... I had to give him the Mass Ter Mind golf clap, because I was unaware that eye pokes needed intent now for penalties. You learn a lot from the NFL Network, you really do.

2) What is it with NFC East teams and the inability to manage the clock in the last few minutes of a game against the Patriots? My theory is that Coach uses his Incredible Hypnotism Mind Power to distract them.

3) If you are game planning against the Giants, is there a reason why you ever not give Fredo Manning a blitz? No one, and I mean no one, has ever been better at running backwards, soiling themselves, and turning an incompletion or five yard sack into a fifteen yard killer.

4) If you ever wondered if God is on the Patriots side... consider the fact that Sam Madison does a solid job on Randy Moss for most of the night, then gets hurt just when the team needed the kill shot score. (That, plus the refs. We own it all.)

5) As happy as I and all of the other Mass Ter Minds are, the failure to cover the spread was very, very disturbing. Not enough to limit the hour-plus long orgasm during the 22 unanswered points in the second half, but enough to make it less than perfect. Sad, really -- they were so close from making it. Oh well, there's always next year.

Masstermind Time Savings

As a public service for all of my fellow Patriot Fans (who can be referred to in the Glorious Kollektiv as Mass Ter Minds), please feel free to use either of these rationales after tonight's Pats-Giants game.

IN THE EVENT OF A PATRIOTS WIN

YEAHHHHH, FREAKIN' PATRIOTS! You have to love the way in which Coach showed his genius by getting the perfect season. With the bye, you don't want to get your guys too out of practice, so it's absolutely freaking awesome that they got the Perfect Season out of the way before the Perfect Post-Season. WE'RE GOING 19-0, BABY! SUCK ON THAT, REST OF THE WORLD THAT INEXPLICABLY HATES US!

IN THE EVENT OF A PATRIOTS LOSS

YEAHHHHH, FREAKIN' PATRIOTS! You have to love the way in which Coach showed his genius by resting his starters and giving up the perfect season. With the way the NFL is with injuries, you don't want to risk your top guys, so it's absolutely freaking awesome that they got the extra week off before the Perfect Post-Season. WE'RE GOING TO WIN THE SUPER BOWL, BABY! SUCK ON THAT, REST OF THE WORLD THAT INEXPLICABLY HATES US!

The Pats Make The Web Go Round

Don over at With Malice asked me, along with a bunch of other swells, to weigh in on just how good the Patriots are. Click, read, then rest assured that I said all those things to help Coach motivate the team. When you're a Masstermind, you always have to be looking ahead.

Please also note that this is the first time that FTT has posted in Japan, which means we now own that country as well. Antarctica will be ours!

Later, Suckers: A Masstermind Nightmare

1:04pm EST, Sun., December 16, 2007, Foxboro, MA

The Patriots are ready to take the field and start their game against the Jets, but Jets coach Eric Mangini is waiving his team off the field. A sideline reporter for one of the networks runs over to investigate the reason why, and Mangini takes the microphone and addresses the camera.

"Give me that. Thank you. Now, put me into the Jumbotron so all of these people can see me. Now."

He waits for several awkward minutes. Patriots fans boo, but withot particular venom; they are too confused as to what is going on, and curious to hear what on earth Mangini has to say.

"I have several announcements to make. First, this will be the last game I ever coach in the National Football League."

Deafening applause. Mangini smiles, waves, but there is steel in his eyes.

"The reason why is that I have, through a large network of associates, bet an inordinate amount of money on my team to cover the spread in today's game. A spread that started this week at 24 points, and is now the largest amount in NFL history."

Shocked silence. Even Patriots fans wouldn't have suspected Mangini of such an action.

"To ensure that I and my associates cash in on those bets, and to further tarnish the Perfect Season that all of you seem to feel is your birthright, I am, as my last act as Head Coach of the New York Jets, forfeiting this game.

By NFL rule, this game will go in the books as Patriots 1, Jets 0. Please note that this means that if your team goes undefeated, my Jets will go down in history as having the smallest margin of defeat. You also don't get to see Tom Brady or Randy Moss set the single-season touchdown record. As a matter of fact, you don't get to see much of anything. Hope that tailgating was worth it to you."

A helicopter arrives over the bowl of the stadium, landing near Mangini.

"Now, if you will all excuse me, I'm going to go home to my money -- more money than any of will ever see in your lifetime. And if you had money on the Patriots today to cover the spread, some of that money is yours. Oh, sorry. Was yours.

Later, suckers."

The chopper fades into the New England sky. Across America, Mangini's action gets the following reaction:



And we all, a football nation united, wipe away tears.

Divine Will

I'm sure that I was not alone in daring to think the Unthinkable last night -- that Our Patriots might... well, let's just be brave about it and just go right out and say it... lose.

The last two games, but especially last night, saw contests that were in doubt the entire way. Our defense doesn't seem to enjoy it very much when the other team comes right at them, rather than meekly handing the ball over the way they are supposed to. At least Mr. Kyle Boller had the decency to throw a back-breaking interception, the way he's supposed to all game long, in a critical point in the fourth quarter.

Similarly, our offense has allowed the Holy Brady to be sullied with the filthy *hands* of the opposition, and roughly thrown to the ground, SIX TIMES.

SIX! How much more can the man be expected to bear! Why don't we just replace his helmet with a crown of thorns, and be done with it? Doesn't the NFL know that the man has to sleep with supermodels and produce the next master race? Won't anyone think of the children!

I'm sorry, I just get very upset sometimes. I haven't been getting very much sleep last night, worrying about The Savior and his pretty, pretty face.

Anyway, in the midst of tossing and turning all night with visions of Raven defenders cheating for down after down after down in the Patriots 50-play drive to victory last night, I finally achieved an epiphany, around 4am, when the mix of berry and bubble gum cough syrups really kicked into overdrive. (I know I shouldn't mix the two, but when My Team is involved, I can be a pretty mean drunk on hard liquor. Also, I finished all of the blueberry schnapps last week, when AJ Feeley worried me so.)

Perhaps -- and this is not anything that we can ever hope to know, because the mind of Coach is not a place that we unfit mortals are permitted to know -- this is all part of Coach's Master Plan to weed out the nonbelievers from the flock.

Perhaps it is not that the Patriots are not particularly well-built for games in bad weather, when we have to degrade ourselves with *running* plays. Or that teams that can get to the quarterback (by flagrant, non-stop and disgraceful cheating, of course) without sending extra blitzers are in the position to keep the game within striking distance.

Or even that Our Team might not even be the hottest team in the league anymore, what with the struggling to defeat below .500 teams and unprecedented back to back failures to cover the spread.

No, this is all just Coach's Will, to make the rest of the league think that they've got a chance, and therefore make them develop a false sense of security when they play Us.

That must be it.

Next week's game is in Pittsburgh. I'm not worried anymore. Coach's Divine Will, and the fact that Ben Rothlisberger will never be the kind of quarterback that AJ Feeley and Kyle Boller are, reassure me. And also you, if you are smart enough to be a Masstermind.

Patriots Uber Alles!

Epic Drop: Top 11 Patriot Excuses For Failing To Cover The Spread Against the Ravens

Your list is here, and I'd say more here, but I'm still so upset by all of the bad breaks that the Patriots had to overcome tonight. It's so unfair.

Finding the Real Cause of the Eagles' Problems

My fellow Tools,

I have to confess, I was more than a little bent out of shape by the Eagles' loss to the Seahawks yesterday, and not just because it contributed to falling below .500 again in the picks for the year, or the Eagles final real chance to qualify for the playoffs and prevent meaningless December football.

No, the bigger issue is that it's frustrating to root for a team (and yes, I still do root for the Eagles, even after my conversion to Masstermind status, much in the same way that you'd root for a troubled relative to stay off the booze) that has many of the elements of a winning team, but a losing record. Let's review.

The Eagles have:

a) The best running back in their franchise history in Brian Westbrook.

Yes, he's better than Wilbert Montgomery, who if you look at the career numbers, fumbled quite a bit -- and while the very old folks would vouch for Van Buren and Timmy Brown, um, not so much. Here's a scary thought for Eagles fans: the top 10 in that list probably include Keith Byars, Ricky Watters, Herschel Walker, Charlie Garner and Heath Sherman. It's been a long 75 years.

b) The best coach in their history in Andy Reid.

We all know the man's weaknesses, but once again, this is not a list that's covered in glory. He beats out Dick Vermeil and um, Greasy Neale (you have to love the old era for nicknames, don't you?) for this honor.

c) A usually competent offensive line, especially for pass protection.

So long as Winston Justice isn't involved, the QB usually stays upright, despite putting the ball in the air 3 out of every 5 snaps.

d) A defensive line that is better than previous years at stopping the run, and does have a number of sacks.

Trent Cole, especially. The unit may not be as dominant as expected, but they aren't terrible.

e) A relatively easy schedule.

Games against teams with a good record: Green Bay, Dallas and New England. If you want to throw the Giants in that lot, you can, but any team that has a QB that looks like he's going to cry at any moment, and a coach that looks like he's going to throw a temper tantrum... well, let's just say that the fans of the New York Football Giants may be the least happy 8-4 fans in the history of the league.

So, when faced with a Seahawks team that has turned in some real stink jobs on the road, in a must-win situation, coming off perhaps their best performance of the year in New England... I had hopes. Dreams, even. And they all went poof, and for the life of me, I couldn't understand why. That was, until I started looking at this with my new and improved Masstermind Brain.

Now, the simplistic reason why the Birds lost yesterday is that one-week wonder and great white hope AJ Feeley threw, um, four interceptions, each of them utterly back-breaking, all of them entirely his fault. But when you're a Masstermind, you just dig a little deeper than most people. You find out the reason why.

It couldn't be that Feeley, who now has 7 interceptions in his last 8 quarters as the Eagles QB, locks into his primary receiver like a mentally deficient child staring at a shiny thing, then throws the ball in that direction no matter what. After all, that worked out just fine against the Patriots, who are The Forty Five Best Humans To Ever Walk The Earth.

It can't also be that unless the QB is very safe with the ball in this style of offense, the other team catches a lot of interceptions (see McMahon, Mike, or Favre, Brett), and that this is one of the quiet but profound strengths of Donovan McNabb, who has very low career INT rates. (And yes, Eagles fans complain about the balls that miss being too low for the receiver, because too high is clearly much, much better.)

No, what led me to my breakthrough was examining the differences between the two games. Not that Seattle has a pass-covering LB (Lofa Tatupu) who can run from sideline to sideline quickly, unlike NE LB Junior Seau, who more or less uses his veteran presence to exert a winning aura, instead. Nor could it be that Seattle had a week of film to watch in which Feeley stared down his primary as if Hyp-Mo-Tized. No, the key difference was on... the Eagles' sideline.

Last week, Donovan McNabb didn't make the flight to New England.

This week, he was on the sidelines... *infecting* Feeley with his Unleadership Virus.

That towel around his neck alone must have cost the Eagles at least two picks. And I'm pretty sure he was feeding our man Chunky Soup after the game. At least, I read that on the Internets, which is to say, I just read it on this page.

So, all of you who wanted Feeley to be your new QB, take heart and stand by your man (and our President). Stay the course, like a true Masstermind!

Treachery!

Real fans of the New England Patriots (or, as I like to call those of us who have quaffed deeply and repeatedly from Coach's Mighty Vessel Of The One True Kool Aid, Massterminds) learn how to sniff out Treachery at every corner, as the enemies of Excellence and Legendariness seek to drag you down to their human, pathetic and reprehensible level of defeatedness. It makes me sick, the way these inferior men scheme and connive in their ways to cheat us all of History.

This week's opponent, the Philadelphia Eagles, are going about things in a particularly novel way. They intentionally got their star QB, Donovan McNabb, injured in last week's game against Miami. (And if you don't believe it was intentional, then why were the Eagles throwing on nearly every down against the 30th-ranked run defense in the NFL, at home, on a rainy and windy day, against an opponent who was starting John "Chris Weinke II" Beck on his first start, when the Dolphins' only chance of scoring was to have Ted Ginn Jr. return kicks? It makes no sense.)

Anyway, McNabb suffered ankle and thumb injuries, and is now said to be out for the planned SNF Eaglevisceration. Making matters worse for the visitors, who opened as 17.5 point underdogs and are now trading at 24.5, is that the Eagles back-up ia AJ Feeley. (Admittedly, the same AJ Feeley who QB'd the Dolphins past the Patriots once, but he's still AJ Feeley. It's not like this is someone to be really scared of, like a Koy Detmer.)

So, one of two things will happen under center for the Eagles on SNF:

1) McNabb will start, in a devastating piece of unsportsmanlike deception, and the Eagles will throw the ball all over the place regardless of his condition, or

2) Feeley will start, and the Eagles will attempt to *run* the ball, in a craven display of abandoning their true nature. This would also (the horror!) be their best tactical move, since it would put the ball in the hands of their best player, RB Brian Westbrook.

The visitors are also trying to pull the same trick in their defensive secondary, where third-string safety and unsuccessful kickoff returner J.R. Reid may get the start over the injured Quentin Mickell.

Now, the casual (i.e., non-Masstermind) fan will see this all as good news for the Patriots, as a heavy underdog is also injured in key positions. Lord knows the team could use some, what with that single failure this year to cover the spread and all. But as a Masstermind, I sense... treachery!

Isn't this just *like* the Eagles, as part of their Kevin Kolb-like ways, to create the Mother of All QB Controversies with Feeley, in the historically improbable event of an Eagles win? Is Andy Reid, who, it must be said, had the (gasp!) better of Coach Belichick in the Patriots Super Bowl win for the entire first half, before Coach's Special Tapes gave the Patriots the intellectual and completely fair and above-ground because we did it and the other team didn't boost, merely trying to exact his completely unnecessary and unsportsmanlike revenge on Coach while also creating the Ultimate QB Controversy Ever in Philadelphia?

Indeed, these are treacherous times for the One True Team, and seeing how this all unfolds will make for absolutely riveting television, for upwards to a quarter or more of actual football. I, for one, would sooner wish the Patriots fiery torment from a 45-man case of tainted Mexican food poisoning, right around the 8:15 kickoff, then miss a second of it.

Fingers crossed and stout hearts, my fellow Massterminds! Tomorrow night, we ride... to defeat treachery!

Week Twelve NFL Picks, In Which We Give Thanks

My Fellow Tools,

Sometimes it's a burden, really, to have the amount of knowledge that makes one a True Masstermind. You get so tired, on a day to day basis, of the ignorance, jealousy and vindictiveness -- every last bit of it unwarranted, given our past performance of only bringing joy, light, sportsmanship and honor to the world -- that is directed towards the Patriots, or, as I like to call them, The Forty Five Best Human Beings To Ever Grace The Planet With Their Existence. (Best Team Ever is *so* last month.)

It's difficult for the Haters -- and that is all they are, Haters -- to accept that Coach is a better person than they are, especially when they are getting ready for Thanksgiving. Because, let's face it, what in your life do you really have to give thanks for, beyond the fact that you are alive at the same time as This Unspeakably Wonderful Team?

Your health means nothing when stacked up against that of Mike Vrabel. You may love your kids, but not as good as Wes Welker loves his. (I'm assuming he has them, by the way. He's just so virile, you have to assume.) And you may provide for your loved ones, but even if you didn't, the Patriots would still be undefeated. And that's all that matters, now and forever.

Thankfully, some in the mainstream media (or as I like to call them, the Handmaidens) are finally starting to see the light on the Patriots. In SNF's game against the Bills, as the Patriots were going for it on 4th down while up by 5 touchdowns in the second half, Al Michaels and John Madden didn't take the easy way out and point out that this was running up the score, showing poor sportsmanship and causing traditional American values of fair play and honorable competition to be tossed aside like so many pieces of turkey offal. (Which, by the way, is the de facto condition of every Patriot opponent by the second half. But I digress, an indulgence that Coach and His Fellow Gods Among Men would never succumb to.)

Instead, Michaels and Madden talked about how much Coach *respected* Dick Jauron, the coach of the Bills. COACH RESPECTS HIM!

And I, for one, was moved by the fact that Coach respected some other, lowly, inferior, substandard, capitulating and compliant coach.

It speaks of Coach's inherent charity, a condition that he does not get nearly enough credit for from the ravenous media hordes that hound his every step and do all they can to try to take a good man down. The coverage of his all-too-understandable efforts to have sex with other people's wives (as if they should put their own needs before Coach's) alone have been relentless, if, by relentless, you mean the NY Post and a few bloggers. Meanwhile, it's been *hours* since Andy Reid's kids have been on my television, and considering that I live within 100 miles of them, I'm concerned for the safety of my children. I ask you, my fellow Tools, where is the fairness? WON'T ANYONE THINK OF THE CHILDREN?

Coach's respect for Dick Jauron, and his likely respect for that guy whose wife he slept with, has inspired me. So I've started respecting more things this Thanksgiving, starting with the live turkey that I killed with my bare hands in front of the kids for our dinner. When the Shooter Wife failed to support me in that decision, I showed my Belichick-esque respect by slapping her around for a while. Next, I went out and asphyxiated a prostitute when the experience didn't last long enough, out of respect for her skills. Finally, I strangled a hobo when my respect for the prostitute hadn't calmed down enough. I never knew respect could be so good for your hand muscles!

Truly, this Thanksgiving, I respect you all. Nearly as much as the Patriots will respect the Eagles. Now, on to the picks!

* * * * *

Green Bay covering 3.5 at DETROIT. It's a little hard to say, given that this is the Bestus NFL Season Forever And Ever... but all of this holiday games are going to, um, suck. The Lions are determined to prove that running plays are the work of the devil, which is making them extremely easy to defend, and this Pack team has been able to feast on pass-wacky offenses all year. Besides, it wouldn't be the holiday without various announcers getting well and truly sloppy over Brett Favre.

DALLAS covering 14 against the Jets. Now that the Jets have their face-saving win for the year against the stumbling Steelers, they'll be more than ready to tuck in and take the confetti from the Cowboys. Expect a monstrous day from Jones and Barber as the Jets try to keep Owens from being the lead clown, and with Patrick Crayton iffy, maybe this score will be close for a while... but Kellen Clemens on the road to me says Short Fields, and Tony Romo knows what to do with this. A big day, as well, for Jason Witten's owners.

Indianapolis covering 11.5 at ATLANTA. Seriously, we can't get some NBC Flex Time Magic happening on the one day a year where the NFL football should really Not Suck? The Falcons will be a trendy cover pick against a Colts team that's still a triage scene, but without some starters of their own on the DL, the Colts will simply run Joseph Addai and Kenton Keith on their way to a 28-point day. Also, now that Peyton Manning has had a little more time to work with the back-ups, I'm expecting a little uptick in production. After last week's washout against the Bucs, this Falcons team is just about ready to mail in the rest of the year.

JACKSONVILLE covering 7.5 against Buffalo. The Jaguars are starting to look more than frisky after last week's mouth-smacking win against the Chargers; when your scatback levels the defensive MVP in what was probably the week's most replayed highlight that didn't involve Moss or Owens, that's a sign that your year isn't going to include a trip against a Bills team that only moved a little more than Kevin Everett against the Pats on SNF. (What, too soon?) Historically, this is just the kind of game that the Jags gag on, but I'm guessing this is the time when the wolf actually shows up.

CLEVELAND covering 3.5 against Houston. As much as it kills me to lay out the extra nickel on the Browns, who can only win games by 3 points, I'm going to here. For once, the Kardiac Kids (and yes, Browns fans, I do remember Brian Sipe) are going to lay the smackdown on a Texans team that's just kinda there. Seriously, name me a Texan that isn't Mario Williams, Matt Schwab, Ahman Green, Ron Dayne or Andre Johnson. It's an entire team of no-names, playing on the road against a Browns team that's beginning to think it has Destiny on its side. They might be right.

KANSAS CITY covering 5.5 against Oakland. The Chiefs had to take a little bit of a good feeling away from last week's close but no cigar game in Indianapolis, with Brodie Croyle hooking up with Dwayne Bowe for a tying touchdown in the fourth quarter. I'm expecting more this week despite the sudden retirement of Priest Holmes days before what would have been another nice little burst of free agent production against the Raiders defense. As for the Silver and Black, they hardly ever win in KC even when they are good, not that too many people remember when they were good by now. (2001. Our attention spans keep shrinking, don't they?)

ST. LOUIS as a 3-point dog against Seattle. Is the NFC West the worst division in league history? Very likely, really, but I am a little surprised by the short margin given the division leaders, given their rousing 2-game winning streak and all-around better-looking game in the post-Alexander era. So why am I taking the Rams? Is it the 2-game winning streak (albeit against those world-beating Saints and Niners), the dome-field advantage, or the known gutlessness of the Seahawks as a road favorite? All of the above, really, but if you are betting this game heavily, you need to get out more often.

NEW YORK GIANTS covering seven at home against the vikings. I hate this Giants team. Just when you think you have them figured out for the second-half choke, they turn around and become the first time this year to get out of Detroit with a win. Now they get the AP-less Vikings at home, with some QB To Be Determined To Suck Later, in a setting that's just made for them. Worse yet, with the Eaglevisceration that will happen in New England later on Sunday, and the Skins a year too early for Jason Campbell and 20 years too late for Joe Gibbs, they are a near-certain wild card bet. And they still suck. Gah. Burress and Shockey with the big days here.

TAMPA BAY covering 3 against Washington. A week after giving it their all and coming up just short in Dallas, the Skins continue on the road against a Bucs team that probably had harder practices than their win against the Leftwichian Falcons. Everyone wants to slag the NFC South for its bad play, but this Bucs team looks OK to me, and should even win a home playoff game before getting crushed on the road. If the Skins do win, it will be all on Campbell; the Bucs will not let Clinton Portis take them out.

New Orleans covering 3 in CAROLINA. So, who do you like in this game -- the talented offensive team that periodically stinks up the joint, or the defensive-minded home team that starts a QB that's older than most of the league's coaches? Bad choices abound in this one, but I'm going to go with the idea that this will be one of Drew Brees's good weeks, and that the Saints know enough to treat Steve Smith with deference and respect, especially in pre-game warm-ups.

CINCINNATI as a 1.5 point underdog against Tennessee. I was so looking forward to betting on Vince Young on the road here, coming off his triumphant win in Denver, against a Bengals team that took out the Cardinals and looked to be playing for more than their lack of pride. So what happens? Denver takes advantage of yet another home game under the lights, and the Arizona Football Cardinals win what has to be their first game in cold weather in a decade, thanks to two INT returns for touchdowns against Carson Palmer, both of which counted against my desperation hunch play of the Bengals defense in the Beyond Stupid CBS Sportsline fantasy football scoring system. Someone needs to start a class-action lawsuit against that site, by the way. Anyhow... I'd take the Titans here, but without Haynesworth in the lineup, they are a sieve against the run, and if Jay Cutler and Some Martinez can light up the Titans, what will Palmer and the best WR corps that isn't New England do, at home?

ARIZONA covering 10.5 against San Francisco. In case you haven't noticed, I'm looking for a lot of blowouts against dog teams this week, and while the Niners did show the speck of a heart against the Rams at home last week, they still lost. Also this: they start Trent Dilfer at QB, which makes one wonder just how they have been getting the 11 points a game they've been scoring. I hate to give the Cards double digits against anyone; the defense is very erratic, and they are always one good hit away from many quarters of Tim Rattay. But this Niners team may actually be the worst team in football, 2 wins or no, and the Cardinals still have their division to play for. Besides, 11 + 10.5 is still less than the Cards will score.

Baltimore covering as a 9.5 point underdog in San Diego. How many times will Norv Turner suck a gambler into a big cover? Once more this year at least, but not this week. I'm looking for the Ravens to come out with a little bit of anger after the win that wasn't, and for Kyle Boller to continue to grow into the role a bit against a Chargers defense that just isn't as good as advertised, especially in the secondary. I don't think they'll win, but I do think they'll cover, late.

CHICAGO as a 2-point home favorite against Denver. One of the best bets historically has been to go against the home winner of a MNF game the next week on the road, and that describes this Broncos team perfectly. The Bears will counter with the Rex Cannon and a running game that showed a hint of life last week, as Fat Ced Benson finally broke a long one, then sat on the bench and bogarted the oxygen tank for the rest of the day in Seatttle. Between Jason Elam and Todd Sauerbrun, I think the Denver kicking game will give Devin Hester some chances.

NEW ENGLAND covering 22 - no, 25 -- against the Eagles on SNF. This line could move in the next few days depending on the health of Donovan McNabb, but it really shouldn't, and if the Eagles were smart, they'd probably play it safe and keep him out of the game anyway. If they want to try to cover the spread, they should run Westbrook for even more than the career-high 32 carries they gave him last week, and try to get Buckhalter and Hunt to get that number up to 40... and if Feeley starts, that's what they'll try to do, until the Pats pack 9 in the box and make Feeley and the WRs try to carry the mail. But the offense isn't really the Birds' problem here, just as it isn't really the problem for any of the Pats' opponents; the problem is that Brady has time, and he has receivers all over the field that just can't be covered. Look at the highlights, and every receiver is open by yards; the throws aren't hard, really. I know this is sacrilege and all, but a fair number of QBs would have 45+ TDs on the year with this system, which means the opponent's defense is getting burned 3 times a game at a minimum. Now, add that to a secondary that gave up 3 TDs to James Thrash, Keenan McCardell and Jason Campbell in their last road game... and it's hard to imagine, really, the Patriots having to punt while the game is in doubt. If the Pats had somehow lost a game before this one, I wonder if this game would have been flexed out. The Birds' ability to have an entertaining night game is under serious suspicion right now, and you never know what the ratings will do in a blowout. But no matter what, you can trust on one thing: the Handmaidens will not talk about running up the score, and no defensive player will hit Brady when the game is out of doubt. Because they all know better now, you see. They've been taught.

PITTSBURGH covering 16 against Miami. As Johnny Rotten sang, anger is an energy... and the Steelers will take a lot of frustration out against a Dolphins team that, for no reason I can fathom other than to make sure they have the first pick in the draft, is starting John Beck. I haven't seen a QB this gun shy since the halcyon days of Bobby Hoying, or maybe Andrew Walter. For Pittsburgh, this may be the last best hope for Willie Parker's owners to realize anything more than an overpaid Fred Taylor level of production for their first round pick; he's barely a step up from freaking Julius Jones right now. YOU HEAR ME, PARKER? JULIUS JONES! FRED TAYLOR! WHAT MORE DO I HAVE TO DO TO INSULT YOU INTO SOME ACTUAL FREAKING PRODUCTION?

Happy Thanksgiving, everybody!

Last week: 7-7-2
Year to date: 73-76-11