One Final Note from Patriot Nation

Golf clap (and a h/t to KSK).

Wash Someone's Face Like A Patriot

This is a new one on me. The practice from the NHL is to get your gloves as rank as possible, then shove your hand in your opponent's face, so that they flip out and draw a penalty. The article gets into the mechanics of how it's done, as well as how the NHL has no penalty for it, beyond of course, the generic unsportsmanlike conduct.

Now, lest you think that this kind of disgusting practice is dependent only on the Canadians and Others that make up the NHL... when I was in the Bay Area, a friend of a friend covered the Golden State Warriors. He also had the misfortune of getting close to Adonal Foyle, the Warriors' undersized and undertalented center. Let's just say that Foyle didn't, well, stress personal hygiene on game day, as part of his effort to make sure that he could get better positioning for rebounds. It's also common knowledge that many NBA players will file their fingernails into sharp points, once again to get any possible edge. Take a close look at any power forward, you'll see marks all over the place. It ain't pretty.

Finally, of course, there's the ultimate story of Art Donovan, the Colts' defensive lineman and author. He had a great anecdote of playing against the New York Giants at the Polo Grounds in New York, the week after the circus had been to town... and discovering large clumps of elephant crap on the field. So he and his defensive line cohorts spent the better part of the day shoveling handfuls of ele-poo into their opponent's faces before the snap, and laughing their asses off. They also got beat, of course, because playing defense against enraged linemen while laughing is not easy.

Which is all a very roundabout way of letting you know that the dear Massterminds have started an online petition to look into the awful and tragic events of the last 100 seconds of the Super Bowl. No, seriously.

Far be it for this blog to recommend going over and signing the petition with the equivalent of a face wash, or a Foyle Ploy, or the Donovan Toss. That would be, you know, less than sporting, really. And if the aftermath of this NFL season has taught us anything, it's that returning acts of sportsmanship in full and equal measure isn't just the right thing to do... it's the only thing to do.

Masstermind Round-Up: The Day After

I've been up all night, Nation, trying to figure out how We lost that game. Here's the best that I can come up with.

Coach Belichick made us lose. On purpose. Because He's A Genius.

Hear me out on this, my fellow so close to Perfectriots. (Luckily, I still have patent on that, and I think my bid for the URL is going to be accepted now. It will all pay off in the long run.)

Coach knew that no matter what, this year was going to be defined by Spygate. He also knew that if the team finished off the 19-0 year, he'd have no way to motivate them next year, and Coach is all about planning for the future. Finally, he had to teach all of us -- the Patriot Nation -- a bitter, bitter lesson. We were not worthy.

And by We, of course, I mostly mean You.

We didn't do enough. We weren't big enough homers. We didn't embrace the non-darkies on the team enough. We allowed ESPN to occasionally cover other teams in the league. We didn't have Gregg Easterbrook killed -- something that I'm certain most other fanbases would have also supported. When the Patriots were running up the score earlier in the year like the biggest heel wrestlers ever, we didn't enjoy it enough. Some part of Us wondered if we weren't just being, you know, irredeemable assholes that the rest of the world would delight in our defeat. We were weak.

Well, no more. Now, with this resolve-testing loss on all of our heads, we'll be.... we'll be.... we'll be....

WWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I CAN'T DO IT! I CAN'T DO IT! THE PATRIOTS LOST! TO THE FREAKING GIANTS! WWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SOMEBODY HOLD ME! I'M SO COLD AND LONELY AND SAD AND NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE ME AGAIN AND I'M GOING TO DIE COLD AND ALONE AND UNLOVED WITHOUT THE PATRIOTS EVER EVER EVER EVER GOING 19-0 AND WINNING EVERY GAME AND COVERING EVERY SPREAD! IT'S BEEN YEARS, YES, PLURAL, YEARS SINCE THE PATRIOTS WON THE CHAMPIONSHIP AND ALL WE HAVE NOW IS OUR DEFENDING CHAMPION BASEBALL TEAM AND OUR CONTENDING CHAMPION BASKETBALL TEAM AND OUR LOADED 18-1 FOOTBALL TEAM THAT HAS THE 7TH PICK IN THE DRAFT AND ALL OF IT IS MEANINGLESS BECAUSE THE PATRIOTS LOST! TO THE FREAKING GIANTS! WWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(breaths, gulps, repeats)

I'm OK. Just, um, got a little emotional there. That's OK, right? It doesn't make me less of a professional in Coach's eyes, does it? It's OK, we'll just take it out in the edit. Like the final game of the DVD of the season. Though that pre-game show where Terry Bradshaw went down on Brady was kind of awesome. I mean, we would have all done it, but it was nice of Brady to let an old bald guy have a turn, too.

So, anyway. Coach made us lose to make sure we'd be better next year, just as he made us lose Deion Branch so that he could get Randy Moss, just as all of the other Patriot championships are completely valid 3-point domination wins, and this is a completely invalid 3-point fluke loss.

I feel better now. Now, if you don't mind, I'm off to take a week-long bubble bath, and drink myself to poisoning levels on five different kinds of schnapps. Oh, schnapps. You're always perfect. You'll never fail me...

We Will Never Forget The Horror Of One Thirty One

In my home town of Philadelphia, we have bombed our own residents, assaulted a drunken and abusive Santa Claus, fired off flare guns at Eagles games, cheered when Michael Irvin appeared to be paralyzed, threw batteries at JD Drew, and booed the very best players for our teams without discretion or sense.

On the other hand, we never went into a million-dollar pants-wetting Fox News Panic over LED signs. Game Over For Infinity.

Congratulations, Boston, for commemorating the first anniversary of One Thirty One, an event that the rest of the nation will remember with fondness, long after your sports teams have faded into obscurity.

Because while there are plenty of teams that will win the big game, there's only one town that welcomed its new Alien Overlords from the Moon. Congratulations!

This one goes out to all of the non-Massterminds out there

We're not unreasonable. I mean, no one's going to eat your eyes.

Patriots Uber Alles

My fellow Tools,

On Thursday, November 8th, I announced my Ascension to Masstermind Status by joining the Patriot Bandwagon. In case you missed it, click here.

In that announcement, I promised something to you all:

I will outhomer and outsmug Bill Simmons.

Well, clearly the Sports Guy reads FTT, or has it read to him by some ESPN employee. Because just yesterday, he upped the ante to truly epic levels, by devoting over 3,500 words in his picks column (in which nothing was actually written about this week's NFL games) to his contention that last week's Patriot *win* was the clearest case of the NFL trying to fix the game for the Colts.

He did so by, I am not making this up, comparing the game to the sports movie "Victory", in which crooked Nazi referees try to help the Nazi soccer team win.

I would link to this, really, but I am afraid that those many words of pure genius would hurt your eyesight with their sheer brilliance. Truly, I had a hard time getting through them all myself, and I am a Trained Professional and True Masstermind.

Anyway... let me be the first to start the slow, respectful clap for you on this one, Bill. I think every Masstermind is impressed by your willingness to link the Colts to Nazism, and to make the calls in a *win* so aggravating that you're still holding a torch for it a week later. (Also, in a week where your wife gives birth to your second child and first son. Truly, sir, your commitment and priorities are beyond reproach.)

As an Eagles' fan, I've known obsessive fandom, but in my history, we've always just been happy to have a win, so much so that the calls were almost instantly forgotten. You know, because we were too happy to have the victory, and grateful for our team prevailing.

As a Masstermind, I'm now realizing that this standard is for losers. It's not good enough to win. It's not even good enough to cover the spread. The only outcome that is now good enough is the complete and utter destruction of the National Football League.

This may sound harsh or over the top to you non-Massterminds, but hear me out. The only way that all of you will (a) join us as Patriot fans, and (b) ensure that the lesser fans of lesser teams never again prevail is to ensure that the Patriots never, ever lose or fail to cover the spread again -- which is to say, end football as we know it. (After all, at some point, God will call Coach home to take over for that wussy slacker Jesus, and at that point there is bound to be an adjustment loss or two for the new Coach.)

Here's how it will happen.

1) WE Win out for the rest of the year and playoffs. Duh.

2) Next, WE add the best player in the college draft next year with OUR high draft pick from the Niners. (You know, the one that the NFL didn't take away from us FOR NO GOOD REASON.)

3) THEN, WE win every pre-season game in 2008 and play OUR starters for all four quarters, so that WE win by 60+ points every week. It's going to be important to set the tone early. WE will have no need to worry about any of our players being injured, because Coach will tell God not to let that happen, and God always does what Coach says.

4) In 2008, WE go 19-0 again, by even greater margins than 2007, and with even more outlandish run it up tendencies. If the Patriots kickoff in a non-onside manner, punt, allow a point against, or have a drive that fails to results in a touchdown, WE will have failed to achieve TRUE PERFECTION. (If this standard seems unreasonable, you are a loser, and probably someone who doesn't obsess about the officiating after your team wins and your wife gives birth.)

5) In 2009, win all 23 games again in the same fashion as 2008, but with more plays where our defense scores a touchdown. Shutouts aren't going to be enough anymore.

By the time 2009 ends, NFL games will have all of the drama of watching an elephant crush the heads of the condemned, and some of the lesser teams in the league will surely be having attendance issues. The television ratings will also probably be in the toilet, too, and with the make-backs from the networks to the advertisers and the drop in merchandise sales for all non-Patriots apparel, the league will be on the brink of collapse.

At this point, the Patriots will deliver the final blow by announcing that they are leaving the NFL for a task that provides more of a challenge to them. The team will then transition to an elite anti-terrorism force all over the world. You know, kind of like "The A-Team", but with more killing. Lots more killing. Because if you think Coach runs up the score now, you should see what he does when there's an actual body count.

Have I also mentioned that Coach will get to decide who's a terrorist, and who isn't? Oh. Well, now I have. And frankly, with the most-read sports site on the Net stating that the Colts are just the same as the Nazis in a movie, I wouldn't be sleeping too soundly if I were, say, Peyton Manning. Or a fan of Peyton Manning.

Then, and only then, will Coach and the Patriots have delivered The Final Solution to the NFL problem.

Now, if you will all join me in a strong, manly salute to the Patriots. Just raise your right arm in tribute, and don't bend it -- because WE are the Patriots. WE don't bend, or show weakness, or lose. EVER AGAIN. NFL WITHOUT END. JOIN US OR DIE.

Thank you. Good night, and Coach Bless.

Today, I Become A National Hero

As everyone on the planet knows, the Patriots are undefeated and appear to be the most serious threat to have the first perfect NFL season in 35 years. The sports blogosphere has been awash in bounties, and this blog has been up front and center with the clear point that they've been running up the score, and will some day pay for it.

None of it has done a thing to stop the Juggernaut, unless you want to take their single failure to cover the spread last week as some kind of victory. And with a late season bye this week and more players getting healthy, and the Celtics becoming world-beaters and the Red Sox winning another championship...

Well, something needs to be done to stop Boston. Something drastic. Something... heroic.

And Nation, I am just that kind of hero.

Blog commenter California Mookie pointed out to me earlier today that the birth of FTT coincides perfectly with the downfall of the Eagles. When the blog started in January, the rest of the NFC East was in shambles, the Eagles were on their way to New Orleans to battle the Saints, and Andy Reid's kids were not (quite? yet?) a national punchline. In our 10+ months of operation, everything has turned. An easy link can be made.

I am, of course, an Eagles fan. And also, for the record, a Sixers and A's fan. So in this century, that just means dramatic playoff pain, squandered talent, bad trades, and being close, but not good enough. I'll even go one further: I canvassed thousands of people for John Kerry in 2004, and even gave him money. (Any time you want to return that, John, is fine with me. Prick.) The Dems have done fine since 2004, but only because I've stayed clear.

Clearly, my support is toxic. (Hell, look at my below .500 NFL picks.) And that level of toxicity is even greater than the usual Philly Fan strain. It even stopped the A's cold in their tracks, and that's a team that has the third-most World Championships in MLB.

My fandom is such a force for defeat that only one force can withstand it.

Or truly, truly deserve it.

The Patriots.

So, my fellow Massterminds -- I'm on your bandwagon, and I'm not getting off until the job is done. (And no, Nation, this is *NOT* a Costanza Moment. How DARE you question my sincerity in this.)

You've all been right all along. I was wicked pissah drunk for those 10 months of writing mean things about My Fellow Patriot Fans. You should just take this admission as proof of your incredible greatness. The world doesn't respect you enough. I've seen the light. I'm joining the congregation, singing in the choir, and messing with that altar boy that looks like Peter King. Body and Blood of Belichick? Mmm, tasty!

From here on for the rest of the season. I'm taking the Pats with the points every game. Any spread, any game. More than that -- I will actually give *more* points than the spread, and not count the win in my calculations unless Our Boys cover that increased number. THAT is truly special fandom.

I will outhomer and outsmug Bill Simmons. I will develop an accent. First person pronoun use when talking about Our Team? *WE* are so there. Ancient slights turned into outrageous justifications for everything we do? THE RAIDERS CHEATED IN THE '70s. Steve Grogan never got a ring. The Bears ran up the score 20+ years ago. Whatever it takes. Cute nicknames that show my unspoken but barely subconscious desire to be the meat in a Patriot prison sammich? Grease me up like a Scotsman, New England. HOW D'YA LIKE THEM APPLES? AAAHHHHHH!

WHEN *WE* WIN, I will continue to talk the talk and bet the walk. The Patriots over the spread pick is going to be with us all for a very, very long time -- perhaps forever. Just like Coach, and Tommy (oh, Tommy), Randy, Tedy, and Vraby. (And oh, how could I forget Wes? So many choices!)

I'm on board with your -- sorry, OUR -- conspiracy theories about NFL refs trying to cheat US, the Colts piping in crowd noise, every other team in the NFL doing things much worse than Spygate despite a lack of proof, and that the hate that has been created is all just jealousy, or proof of the New York / Indianapolis Media Bias. Don Shula and the '73 Dolphins are the ones that deserve the asterisk. They had a freaking cupcake schedule that year. Nothing like the AFC East gauntlet that WE are running this year.

Any crying you want to do about anything, I'm down. In fact, I'm going to even add some for you. Here's one: in the event of a forfeit in the NFL, the score that goes into the books is 1-0 for the non-forfeiting party. Will Ultimate Jerkoff And Judas Iscariot Level Betrayer Eric Mangini forfeit the Jets game in New England later this year? I BET HE WILL, THAT FREAKING BASTAHDDD!

This also means I will now abuse anyone who isn't on board with US. Hey, Patriot Haters? Why don't you just go to another country already? See that name? PATRIOTS. That means *WE* love our country, and *you* don't. Maybe you love France. And Bin Laden. Neither of which are any good at AMERICAN football.

Saddle up, Chowds. I'm with you all the way. Together, we'll get it done. Promise.