Epic Drop: Top 10 ways that Shaq will make the Spurs pay

The Phillies are a strike away from the World Series at this very moment. My link is about Shaq. I have unerring blogging instincts!

Fear of female

Here's a spittake moment of cowardice for you this morning... according to Seattle coach and marine mammal Mike Holmgren, his daughter Calla was recently booted from her fantasy football league for having "inside information." (I'd link you to the Lemur, but it's all of a three paragraph AP story, and AP Hates Bloggers, so screw 'em both.)

Now, I've been in a lot of fantasy leagues; I even commish three of them. And you know what you do with people who have "inside information"? You take their money and try not to laugh. Because "inside information" usually means "wrong information"... or, at the very least, information that tends to be wildly exaggerated in its importance.

What, exactly, was Ms. Holmgren alleged to have known that gave her team the edge? That Shawn Alexander was more worked over than gum that's been left on the bed post over night? That Matt Hasselbeck was going to have a bounce-back year because his line was better and his schedule was worse? Or that the Seahawks can only show up at home? Gosh, I knew all of that stuff, and I didn't even win either of my leagues last year. Calla must be playing with utter idiots.

Let's call a spade a spade here, because that is what we do: Calla's league mates are scared of losing to a, you know, GURL. The Internets tell me this would be called Eurotophobia, or fear of female genitalia (booga booga!), which is a fine word for us all to remember, especially now that the college football season is starting up again, and the blog's readership is rapidly approaching the Stalker Townie demographic...

But for heaven's sake, you Calla-tossing morons, if you can't beat someone who has half of her DNA given to her by a guy who could only get one Super Bowl win out of a prime era Brett Favre and Reggie White, you're probably too stupid to be reading this, anyway. All of the inside information in the world about DJ Hackett's injury status (this just in -- he's hurt!) shouldn't really, you know, sway a league.

No, if you want True Fear of Fantasy Football Cuckoldom, you can roll down my predicament. Yes, the Shooter Mom is now in my league, which either means I get to be the Bad Son and beat her, or get taken to the woodshed for old times' sake. Either way, I'm pretty sure the trash talk will be impressive. (Hi, Mom!)

Epic Drop: Top 12 Forces or Events That Could Save Us From Favraro

Here's a list with a lot of work, some of my favorite poon, the 19th use of the Aqua Teen Lite Brite That Stopped Boston, and one of my very infrequent attempts at image manipulation. Plus, it confirms all of those deep and dire suspicions you've always had about global warming. If you don't like it, pay nothing!

Do Not Crowd The Plate In Japan

Actual commercial from the Land of the Rising Insanity. I'm still amazed that we won WWII, given that Crazy Strength is a serious problem to overcome. Imagine what these people would be like if they really got into the NFL?

Profiles in Courage

So the Steelers, after receiving word of wide receiver Cedric Wilson being arrested for punching his ex-girlfriend in the face, have seized the moral high ground and released him.

Good on them. Not only was Wilson a disappointment on the field after being signed away from the Niners, but any guy that punches a girl in the face is reprehensible. Seriously. Aim lower, and there's a much better chance of concealing the damage. (Rim shot.)

Anyway, Wilson's gone, and the Steelers have shown themselves to be a fine and upstanding team that always takes a consistent stance that violence against women is... um, hold the phone. A week earlier, linebacker James Harrison was also handcuffed for smacking the distaff. There must be some mistake, other than the fact that Harrison is, you know, good at football.

"What Jimmy Harrison was doing and how the incident occurred, what he was trying to do was really well worth it. He was doing something that was good, wanted to take his son to get baptized where he lived and things like that. She said she didn’t want to do it." - Steelers team chairman Dan Rooney

Oh, that makes all the difference -- Harrison was trying to force his religion on her. Because when you use force to propagate your religion, that's just peachy!

We Will Never Forget The Horror Of One Thirty One

In my home town of Philadelphia, we have bombed our own residents, assaulted a drunken and abusive Santa Claus, fired off flare guns at Eagles games, cheered when Michael Irvin appeared to be paralyzed, threw batteries at JD Drew, and booed the very best players for our teams without discretion or sense.

On the other hand, we never went into a million-dollar pants-wetting Fox News Panic over LED signs. Game Over For Infinity.

Congratulations, Boston, for commemorating the first anniversary of One Thirty One, an event that the rest of the nation will remember with fondness, long after your sports teams have faded into obscurity.

Because while there are plenty of teams that will win the big game, there's only one town that welcomed its new Alien Overlords from the Moon. Congratulations!

We Welcome Our Voki Overlords

Nation,

In case you've been wondering, the little animated avatar thing on the top right of the site, under the logo? It says things that we wrote if you click on the > button, and won't spawn an ad or nothing.

Now, some of you, the ones that hate America, are ad blocking this. Why? Because flashing or talking things offend your on some religious level, or something. Who can explain you, really? It's a wonder you're online, rather than yelling at those pesky kids to stay off your lawn.

Anyway, the weekly (or so) updates give you a brief recap of what's been on FTT in the last week, and additional Humor Content. It's just like reading, only faster and, well, not.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled timewaste.