Top 10 Sports Blogger Hopes for The Dead Zone

Welcome, folks, to the very worst time of the year to be running a sports blog. There's nothing that you can write about the NFL that you couldn't have written months ago. The NBA free agent season has moved to the clearance bin stage. MLB has some possible deadline trades to talk about, but since this is the Wild Card Era, there really isn't anything close to a great pennant race any more. Assuming you don't have Random Events happening, the traffic numbers right now are positively sleepy, and looking at the day's headlines won't exactly inspire you.

Which, of course, is when this very blog is at it's best, since we're Just That Way. Let's go to the list!

10) Recidivism. For the definition, let's go to the videotape.OK, then!



Anyway, Blogfrica lives for the repeat offense from guys that really don't know any better. Which isn't to say that we'll turn up our nose at the previously unindicted turning up in the sin bin, but there's something really nice about seeing more of the story -- Chris Henry, Brandon Marshall, Ryan Leaf, Matt Bush, Antoine Walker -- from guys who are Of Interest. Let's face it, since we can't compare on salary or fame, avoiding time in the hole is our big trump card on Who's The Better Man. Shadenfraude, baby!

9) Steroids. Sports bloggers may be the last people in America who care about steroids, because it gives us a lay up column to write -- hell, cut and paste from the last time you went down this path. I can't believe that a player like Player X was also cheating. I blame Bud Selig. Player X should never even be allowed into Cooperstown, let alone being inducted. When I was growing up, people had more respect for The Game. It's fast and easy!

8) Brawls. Nothing is as easy to make fun of then a junior high school level slapfight, which is what you get in 99% of MLB encounters. Of course, that last 1% provides something memorable, like an old man beating the crap out of a young guy, an old coach getting rolled, or the hitter bringing the lumber to the mound with him. Come on, MLB, get it together!



7) Death. What, too soon? Your mawkish blogger cred and ability to Appear Thoughtful grows by the score when you've got an unscheduled eulogy to write about your team's tragedy, especially when it happens out of the blue to some young guy. Put on your big boy shoes and write about the Great Sadness!

6) Sex tape. The nice thing about this one, at this stage in the growth of the Internet and post L'Affaire L'Andrews, is that you'vve got so many ways to go with it. Do you rail against the people that pay attention to this, all the while paying attention to it, and get your O'Reilly on? Do you snigger at the inherent ridiculousness of amateur porn, when there's so much better available if, well, you are into that sort of thing? Or do you just indulge because, well, you can, and the site traffic will probably be with you if you do? So many choices, really.

5) Fraud Sports. Hey, it's the Tour de France! Or NASCAR, or (sigh) Poker, or any of the other things that people treat as meaningful when they really, well, aren't. This also goes for the Olympics, soccer, pre-season football and any number of other things, including your favorite little sacred cow. But hey, maybe you can corner the market on the CFL. Rouge on!

4) Rumors! Did you know that Stephon Marbury is going to suck a contract out of some really irrelevant team? Or that Roy Halladay is being dealt to a team that's going to win the World Series by so much, we can more or less forget about playing the rest of the MLB season? It's all true, or at least, it all can seem that way if you just believe. And clap hard. Very hard.

3) Racial Incident. Even in the age of Obama, we're still quite capable, thank you, of getting good and ugly about race, and when that happens, it just makes for ridiculously easy blog grist. This is especially good if you can make the point that people who've never had to grow up with disadvantages due to their skin color are now getting screwed. It's Not Fair!

2) Poon. It's summer, dammit -- time for bikini photos. Or the latest in cheerleader wear from your local NFL franchise. If you can somehow couple this with a knowing bit of snark that shows that you are Above All This even while profiting in it, that makes it all the more post-modern and original. Wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more...

1) Spectacular Public Scandal. Post-Vick, we're really needing something pretty intense to make this work. I'm hoping for involvement in child slavery, or perhaps trafficking in illegal organs, or even better, mixing the two. Come on, modern athletes! Show us something new!