Top 10 reasons why Roger Goodell rejected the Bountygate appeals

10) The four players who are about to sue his ass in federal court are being total dicks about him costing them untold amounts of money and ruining their reputations

9) Having reviewed the work of the last person to hear this appeal, is overcome with admiration and respect for the man's work, intellect, and rugged good looks

8) Wants to make sure Sean Payton's marriage is well and truly ended, and that Saints fans have something new, post-Katrina and BP oil spill, to bitch about

7) Jonathan Vilma is the IDP on his worst enemy's fantasy league team

6) Certain that by saying no one more time, this will be the end of it

5) Really enjoys telling the NFLPA to kiss parts of his anatomy that they would rather not kiss

4) If he reconsidered now, the horror that is Gregg Williams might rise again to make pro football violent and dangerous

3) Deeply, deeply cares about the long-term health of people whose medical pensions he does not honor

2) Wants to set the new standard for backed-door, arbitrary, imperious, lawsuit and bad PR-inducing discipline among pro sports leagues, and Bud Selig and David Stern set the bar high

1) Has the courage and integrity required to make a decision and stick to it, even if that decision winds up proving that he is the all-powerful God King and Puppet Master of the wealthiest sports league in US history