Top 12 reasons why Cole Hamels signed with the Phillies

12) Elaborate payback for hitting Bryce Harper

11) As much as he might like going home to pitch, unfortunately that can only happen while playing for the Padres

10) When you have an aging club with few solid players under 30, are buried in the division and wildcard race in late July, and have a farm system that hasn't done much in five years, locking into another $144 million in salary just comes naturally

9) Cole really thinks he can break the club's all-time pitching records, since he's never actually looked those up

8) So long as Mike Vick is in town, his wife is making sure they aren't leaving, so as to prevent any relapse

7) Ruben Amaro Jr.'s willingness to overpay is just too much fun to live without

6) Cole's convinced that the last four games are going to change everything for 2012, that the team is going to make a run for the ages, and that Charlie Manuel's accent is just for show

5) Whenever you can lock down a guy with an injury history, only one 15-win year, and only one year with a sub 3-ERA to the second-biggest contract in baseball, you have to do it

4) It's not as if the fans haven't paid (and paid, and paid) for top-shelf talent, seeing how the yard has been sold out for, like, freaking ever

3) Amaro thinks that now that Hamels makes more than Roy Halladay and Cliff Lee, maybe that will light a fire under both of their asses

2) Team needed one guy that the fans could feel good about making a jersey purchase about

1) Hamels knew that if he just signed this deal, the team's fans would finally, once and for all, have his back and support him in good times and in bad