We Now Own The Mets

Congratulations, Fellow Taxpayer! Thanks to the continuing bailout efforts of people who really, truly believe in capitalism until it fails to make them money, we're going to give Citibank some free money, under the theory that they are too big to fail.

Let's see... some Saudis who act as the de facto mob in a legal vig racket have actually *failed* at this, basically because they couldn't leave well enough alone and just limit themselves to the wildly profitable business of predatory credit cards, and had to move into predatory mortgages as well. (Full disclosure: Citi has had their claws on my mortgage checks in the past few years, and the entire collapse of the credit markets can be traced entirely to their acceptance of my radioactive dollars. Citi, Countrywide, American, Washington Mutual... I have brought you all low with my timely payments. You're next, Bank of America and Chase.)

Now, here's the fun part. Back when times were good (oh, two years ago), Citi bought the naming rights to the new Shea Stadium for 20 years and $400 million. At least, this is the number I remember, and just like Henry Paulson at the Treasury asking for $700 billion, I'm sticking with the number because it sounds good. We're all making it up as it goes along, folks!

(A quick side note: Five Tool Tool is undergoing a severe financial crisis of its own, which is in no way due to the exorbitant salary that we pay its lead writer. As I'm sure you will agree, this blog, like Citi, is too big to fail, and merits a full multi-million dollar bailout of our toxic debt from Uncle Sucker. I'll be testifying in Congress in a week, with my somber suit, eyedrops for Real Tears, and utter lack of personal shame. Wish me luck!)

The Mets, of course, aren't going to give back that money; that would be Crazy Talk, especially now that in this economy, paying for the naming rights to a stadium, which was never a defensible idea on the merits (witness the parade of failed company names that have been attached to stadia in the last decade), has become Wildly Irresponsible. And Wildly Irresponsible is just a wee bit grating when you've moved into the Free Money From You Rubes section of the program.

Now, personally, I don't want the Mets to give the money back. What the hell, it'll just go to people whose idea of a good investment is to mail me balance transfer checks and new credit card offers on a twice a day basis until I die.

I just want a commensurate say in the day to day operations of the Mets.

After all, we have the technology to make this happen. If the Citipay is, let's say 10% of the club's income for 2009 (a reasonable bet, given their high gate revenue and television ad dollars), we should be able to control 10% of the roster via Web voting. And after the Mets got rick-rolled last year, I'm sure they'll be thrilled to open themselves up to this again.

Or not. Screw 'em. They're getting paid.

10% of the roster is 2.5 active players. I'll settle for their late inning relief situation. Let's face it, they're probably going to do something big and dumb there by chasing after a K-Rod or Huston Street. However, given that the majority of the voting bloc will come from outside the NY metropolitan area, and that we don't want Our Investment to be too expensive, I'm sure that the majority of us will agree that they need someone with more big-game experience, but at a reasonable price.

So, ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together for the latest Met to take the ball in the ninth, brought to you by the American taxpayer... Joe Mesa! (Buck up, Mets Fan. He can't be any worse than what you had last year, right?)

Since we also have access to another player under the terms, we should also get ourselves a lefty. Here, I'm going to be merciful, and pay to bring back fan favorite John Franco. All of your old uniform purchases are good again, Mets Fan! You're welcome! And don't bitch, or we're going for Jesse Orosco.

So, Joe and John, go and make us proud. Or, at the very least, happy for our investment.