NFL Roundup: How 'bout them Cowboys?

There's pleasant, there's fun, there's riotously enjoyable, and then there's the Cowboys getting absolutely dominated in a game they were supposed to win going away... and picking the game correctly to boot.

Oh, and Jerry Jones? Excellent use of the trade deadline, sir. Your acquisition of Roy Williams,, and the immediate long-term contract that you signed him to, in a week where he contributed nothing against a breathtakingly bad secondary... truly, sir, you have never occupied a warmer place in my heart.

The simple fact of the Cowboys right now is that there is no part of this team -- even the presumably dominant offensive line -- that can be counted on. Tony Romo was clearly making that group look better then they are (Brad Johnson was sacked five times today by the previously punchless Rams defense). Marion Barber got his 100 yards, but a lot of it was on one run. Felix Jones made that OL look better too -- and he's out for a few more games. The defense got killed on the ground. The secondary wasn't the huge issue here, but only because the Rams were content to play conservative and kill them with Stephen Jackson.

What's next? Well, let's face it... Jones just tried to fix a team with a bad back-up quarterback and secondary with another wideout. He even got him from Matt Millen's old team, to complete the transition. In post-game comments, Jones was blunt in his unhappiness.

He can't release players. And he just spent his Sunday watching a team that fired its coach on its bye week come back with two unexpected wins against presumably better clubs. Everyone also knows that Wade Phillips is on a Win Or Else leash after the past two playoff washouts. Finally, thanks to the Giants surviving the Niners today, they are two games back in the division, and in real trouble for making the playoffs.

Would Jones fire the coach? Will Romo come back next week at home against the Bucs, even if it's not a very good idea? Will Owens melt down? Is someone (Bill Cowher) getting a phone call with a Name Your Price offer?

Honestly, there's nothing these guys won't try or do. Which is, well, why today was such a gift from Heaven...

> As for the Rams... well, heck. They've won two in a row, and they play in a division with the Niners and and Seahawks. Start thinking playoffs, baby!

> Just when you thought the AFC was getting back to normal... the Colts go to Green Bay and played abysmal football, the Chargers get worked in Buffalo with LaDanian Tomlinson looking spent, Miami returning to seed at home against a presumably reeling Ravens team, the Raiders taking out the Jets in overtime... yeesh.

> So all hail your Titan Overlords, the Last Unbeaten Team, and the club that no one outside of Tennessee really and truly believes in. Maybe we should, given that they've got a dominant defense and some really good work going on in the running game -- they carried the ball 40 times for 332 yards today, albeit against the I-AA Chiefs. People call Kerry Collins a game manager, but he's more than that, given the strength of his arm and the fact that he's won some playoff games and gone to a Super Bowl.

But still, it's hard to shake the idea that some club is going to put together a good game and show all of the reasons why no one thought the Titans were going to go to the playoffs this year, let alone have a three-game lead in the division. Next week at home against the Colts should be Highly Interesting.

> By the box score, today's 29-17 Giants win over the Niners was by the book and easy; the only reason the Niners were even in the game was their second straight week with a blocked field goal returned for a touchdown. But having watched most of the game today, I saw something different.

Shh... you remember Old Eli, the guy who made bad reads and gave the other team a lot of chances to make interceptions? He's back....

The Giants won this game because the Niners are, make no mistake, a terrible team. The defense did the job on Frank Gore (11 carries for 11 yards), and they ran the ball 29 times for 126 yards and two touchdowns. But Manning was only 16 for 31 despite having all kinds of time and places to throw to, and this game was close until JT O'Sullivan made sure it wasn't. The NFC East is wide open, people.

> Continuing the Winless Dream at home today were your Cincinnati Bengals. How bad is this team? Cedric Benson qualified as the Bright Spot. They didn't sack Ben Roethlisberger, and everyone gets to sack him. They gave up 120 yards rushing to Mewelde Moore. Their fans are selling the tickets as fast as they can.

So, um... what does Marvin Lewis have to do to get fired?

> The wackiest game of the day might have been in Chicago, where the Bears rode their No Boring Outcome defense to a 48-41 win over the Vikings. This game might have single-handedly saved the year for a guy in my points league, who had Bernard Berrian (81 yards and a touch), Adrian Peterson (130 combined yards and 2 touchdowns), Greg Olsen (74 and a touch) and the Chicago defense (3 touchdowns, 2 sacks and 4 picks countered by 41 points allowed). Not exactly what anyone expected, really.

In between all of that was the continuing emergence of Kyle Orton, who tossed up another 283 yards, 2 touchdowns and no turnover game. If anyone has ever seen a previously terrible quarterback become reasonable this quickly... well, I can't remember it.

> If picking games in the NFC South were a fight, it would have been stopped by now on cuts. At least the Bucs were able to take out the awful, awful Seabags; it feels like the first right call that I've made in that division this year.

As for the Saints' um, effort in Carolina... well. at least their next game on the road is in London against the Chargers. So both teams can not show up for that one...

> The late game here in the Man Cave was the Raiders taking out the Jets in overtime, in a game that should have had Jets Fan tearing his hair out. On a day where they got 159 yards (!) from Thomas Jones, Brett Favre went back to terrible, with 2 back-breaking picks and bad accuracy (21 of 38). The Raiders took away the Jet wideouts (Laverneous Coles had 4 catches for 51 yards, while Jerricho Cotchery was made complete invisible with 1 catch for no yards by Nnamdi Asommugha).

But the really notable thing to me in this game was how the Raiders won it; it will tell you that they aren't going to win very often. With three minutes let in regulation, the home team went ahead on a 37-yard Sebastian Janikowski field goal. On the next drive, the Raiders defense allowed Favre to escape pressure for a miracle conversion, and failed to make the plays (i.e., dropping interceptions) that would have prevented a tying Jay Feely 52 yarder.

Oh, and they also did that irritating Ice The Kicker thing, on a Feely miss. Can someone please, for the love of football, stop this already?

In overtime, JeMarcus Russell finally made a play to Zach Miller (like all bad QBs, he over-relies on the tight end). Three downs from there, after some remarkably conservative playcalling given that they were only on the Jets 40, the Raiders send Janikowski out to make a 57 yarder. Miraculously, he does it for the win. Had he missed, you have to think the Jets would have been able to move the ball 15 to 20 yards for the win from there, but never mind. It's not like you keep the coaching job in Raider Land from your intellect.

Jets Fan, you just lost a game to a team with a special needs coach. Sure hope that you don't need this game later...

MNF Thoughts: Giants-Browns

Y'know, folks, there are weeks when it doesn't really matter what your won-loss record is against the spread, just so long as you get one very good win. For me, that was a spirited and long defense of how Peyton Manning is, well, a hell of a lot better than Eli Manning, first five weeks of the season be damned... and tonight, as Eli threw his third, fourth and fifth pick of the year, with the last one in the red zone after a long Giants drive, with a 14-point turnaround on the single play.

Oh, and extra credit to Eli for going for the strip on the pick runback, then whiffing entirely on Browns CB Eric Wright, who took it to the house.

From there, we were treated to a ton of high-def ESPN close ups of Sad Eli, and at that point I, like most of the other people watching sports, were off to the Phillies-Dodgers game. (Just in time to see Shane Victorino tie it up in the eighth, then Matt Stairs absolutely unload on the go-ahead homer. I've had worse times.)

And this, please and pray tell remember, is why Eli is not Peyton, even if this week is just the aberration that it, well, probably is. Eli's night ended with a misfire on a fourth and two in the red zone again. Heckuva night for the Browns defense.

Now, was Eli really the reason why the Giants lost for the first time in 2008? No, not really; the Giants defense got absolutely no push on pass rush, didn't control the running game, and basically made Derek Anderson look as comfortable as possible in his career resurrection night. Braylon Edwards kept breaking ankles of members of the Giants secondary, and when you win by three touchdowns, it's rare that you can put the blame on just one guy.

BUt well, such is the nature of New York, and such is the nature of being a good but not great QB that many people have talked themselves into great. Eli is just going to throw a mess of picks every year. He can do some things, and no one assails the leadership skills anymore. But you take the good with the bad, and the bad is some back-breaking interceptions. More curious will be how much grief he gets over it, especially since the G-Men could have more or less wrapped up the division tonight.

He's no Peyton. And Gregg Easterbrook eats paste. But we all knew that, right?

Epic Drop: Top 10 reasons to have hope

So here's today's list. Now, let me get back to the horror that is age.

When I was 10 years old, the Phillies won the World Series; I was 14 when the Sixers broke through and took out the Sixers. A year or two after that, the USFL Stars won (I was a big fan), and I even went downtown for the parade. I felt, in no way, like any kind of Sports Victim. Sure, the Eagles didn't break through, and I still have scars of every playoff loss ever. But what the hell, that's what sports *are*, and it's not like we were Cleveland or Boston or any one of a million other sports cities that didn't get to see Hall of Fame players for every franchise. You could have grown up in Kansas City, for heaven's sake.

Now, imagine you are a 10 to 12 year old fan of the Cowboys. You're too young to remember the Aikman-Irvin-Smith years. Your Mavericks ripped your hearts out in the Finals, and now they're a bad joke with big names and an increasingly unhinged owner. Your baseball team is terrible, and has been throughout your consciousness. And your football team keeps signing head cases, and just lost its franchise quarterback for a month. You're a sports victim, right? And yet, there's no way you feel that way, since the history is anything but Victim Status.

The point is this. When you are young, you don't fear losses. You just celebrate them. You don't know that Lucy will always pull away the football, that the other city is always going to be taking the champagne bath at the end of the festivities.

I have friends that have already written off this year's Eagles team, despite the fact that we're barely past the one-third pole. They only watch game replays if the team wins; they spend the live telecasts either listening on the radio or reading updates online, because, dammit, their hearts just can't take it.

They are most likely "right"; the Eagles are, after all, 3-3 and maddeningly inconsistent in just about every facet of the game. But I wouldn't be that way for anything; if I were, I'd give up sports and blogging in a heartbeat. It strikes me as a pale imitation for living, a life ruled by fear, a perversion on every level.

So, um, folks? Lighten up. Be better than your fears. Have hope. It's just more fun.

The Giants Are Doomed

Seriously, NFL quarterbacks? Don't you realize that when you whore yourselves out to metrosexual photo shoots, you insult the great gods of football karma, not to mention the much greater god of homophobic opposing defensive linemen?

Giants Fan, remember, he won a Super Bowl for you. So that means you just have to lie back and enjoy it as he takes advantage of everything he's got coming to him. The Stetson-style ads, the supermodel dalliances, the wince-inducing endorsements, the inclusions among the world's most beautiful people, and the steadily increasing knowledge that no matter what, he's going to give people like me a never-ending amount of ammunition for snark. And since my QB (Donovan McNabb) is way past the event horizon for He's So Dweamy, I don't have to worry about anything more than the Chunky Vomit endorsement.

But by all means, Eli, work in some more mousse...

The Short Honeymoon

So here's your check list of things that have happened since the Giant Snatch that made the Eli Manning Giants your NFL champions.

1) Michael Strahan retired, turning the club's biggest defensive strength -- a pass rush that could change the way the game was played -- into something much less fearsome.

2) Plaxico Burress became unhappy about his contract, and unhappy wideouts are always conducive to winning. It's OK, though, because the Giants are just loaded with WRs on the roster who are, um, in no way as good as Burress. (Oh, and nice work from the other Giants to stand up for the teammate who carried you last year on a bad ankle, and caught the winning touchdown in the Super Bowl. That's some good loyalty there, and I'm sure he's going to remember that the next time he's dinged up and has to play when he's not really feeling his best.)

3) Marshall's own Ahmad Bradshaw, the rookie backup RB that gave them such a lift when Brandon Jacobs succumbed to being Brandon Jacobs, was arrested. Now, it's not like he Carruthed anyone, but as Jamal Lewis proved in the past in Baltimore, time in the hole just does wonders for your burst. (Oh, and nice work on the Web site, G-Men. Under Off-Field Activity, Bradshaw wisely has "No Information Available." They can't prove you were accomplices to whatever it is that he did in southwest Virginia to violate his parole...)

4) Jeremy Shockey wasn't traded, and has become the distraction that we all know and love. Maybe he can hang out with Burress and see if they can infect David Tyree, while they are at it. This also means less of Kevin Boss, which as an Eagles fan, I can happily support.

5) Backup QB Jared Lorenzon was released, mostly to cut the team's carbon footprint. Who will come in for the Monster Sneak play now?

I can see why they'd want to lose the Hefty Lefty, though. It's not every day that you get the opportunity to watch David Carr and Anthony Wright compete to be your backup QB, unless, of course, you are watching Arena ball.

6) Everybody seemed OK with all of this, because they're Super Bowl Champs. and once a quarterback breaks through and wins one of these things, he becomes imbued with special Jedi Super Bowl Winning Powers. (Just like Trent Dilfer!)

Here's your first four weeks for the Giants.

1) Washington

2) At St. Louis

3) Cincinnati

4) Bye

Hoo boy. It looks easy, but you really don't want the bye early in the season, and I'd bet that they cough up at least one of them. Probably not the home opener against rookie coach Zorn and those always entertaining Redskins, but maybe that road dome game in St. Louis against a Rams team that might even still have healthy skill position players, and an upright Orlando Pace.

But it's completely OK if the Giants start from the block slow. After all, their last four games -- Philly, at Dallas, Carolina and at Minnesota -- just look like a complete cakewalk, and we all know that Road Warrior performance doesn't fade over the years, just as no one in New York boos a Super Bowl winning quarterback. Phil Simms was a god to those people. Infallible, really.

But just in case, it'd be nice if someone told Strahan to throw the team under the bus with a tell-all book halfway through the year, and if someone else has Shockey kneecapped. Why mess with a good formula?

Epic Drop: Top 10 Ways in Which Tiki Barber and Jeremy Shockey Prevented The Giants From Winning

Your link is here, and it's got a special secret video of a Coughlin coaching session under the fold. But seriously, Giants Fan... if your team slays the dragon and wins, you've pretty much got to burn your Shockey and Barber jerseys, right? (I know -- what Shockey and Barber jerseys?)

Unfortunate

http://www.nj.com/sports/ledger/index.ssf?/base/sports-1/1175233508107850.xml&coll=1
For non-clickers -- Tom Coughlin just compared his treatment in the NY media last year to being on par with Adolph Hitler. No, really!

Here's the meat of the quote, from the Associated Press:

When he was asked at the NFC coaches breakfast by a football Web site reporter whether he paid attention to what was being said about him last season, Coughlin replied: "I hear some of it and I see it. You know (VP of communications Pat) Hanlon tells me about it, what's going on." Then, he paused, and said, "Hitler and then me, in that order. Unfortunate, but it is."

Five (Tool Tool) points from this...

1) The full 2007 NFL schedule has not yet been released, so we don't know yet if there will be a bi-coastal battle of the Coach Hitlers, aka Giants-49ers. Make it happen, NFL! THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!

2) Can we stretch this analogy further? Cause we are so seeing Jeremy Shockey as Goebbels, Eli Manning as Goering, and Tiki Barber as Albert Speer. (We know our Nazis!)

3) Are any other Eagles fans ready to make Jerry Jones into Tojo and Daniel Snyder into Mussolini? E-mail your Photoshop works here. This is a *community* effort, people.

4) Did we inspire this with our Martin ("No one left to speak for me") Niemöller post about booing? We so totally did.

5) Who is the Leni Riefenstahl of the Giants? Not saying we're into the whole whips and leather boots and... um... we've probably said too much. (Photoshop Photoshop PhotoShop!)

Rejected Voiceover Dialogue for Diet Pepsi NFL Spots

If someone doesn't get TO a Diet Pepsi right now, TO just might kill TO's self. TO is totally serious. And you all will miss TO when he's gone, yes you will...

(Peyton Manning approaches line of scrimmage, waving hands) I just *hate* my flabby forearms! And my ass has gotten *sooooo* big! That's it, I'm switching to Diet Pepsi!

(Ray Lewis enters stadium, doing his Spasmodic Dance Routine) You do not drink Diet Pepsi, you rent it! Let me take a piss or I'm a gonna kill someone!

(Drew Bledsoe on sidelines) You know what goes good with Diet Pepsi? Burgers. Mmmm, burgers...

(Jerry Porter on sidelines) Man, can you believe the Diet Pepsi guy didn't show up today, and he still got paid? What up with that?

(Eli Manning after interception) I told Dad, I just wanted to deliver Diet Pepsi. But no, he *made* me play football...

(Martin Grammatica after hitting field goal) Yes! Yes! Yes! Meesa Get Diet Pepsi Now! And Scary Man Coach With Titties Does Not Beat Me! Meesa Happy Happy Happy!

Top Ten Nicknames for Eli Manning

10. E-QB
9. INT-Li
8. E-Leaf
7. Bald Faced Lie
6. Deny
5. E-Cry
4. Ebo-Li
3. Eco-Li
2. 2pli
1. Fredo

As an Eagles fan, I can only hope the Giants keep trotting him out there. If and when they play that monstrous freak Lorenzon (290 pounds of QB -- who cares if he can throw, the NFL is in trouble. Someone is going to send a CB on a blitz, and Lorenzon is just going to eat him.

Additional nicknames in comments highly appreciated.