Top 10 reasons why the Patriots signed Chad Ochocinco and Albert Haynesworth

10) Were really tired of that whole "plucky overachiever" image

9) Wanted to show the world just how much they control the media by whitewashing both of these assclowns

8) Ocho fills the role of Overrated Guy For Darrelle Revis to waste his time on

7) Gives everyone in town even more of a chance to stroke Wes Welker (WELLLKAHHHH!)

6) Both guys are better at rushing the passer then anything else they had in 2010, and Albert's 40 time is fairly theoretical now

5) It's not like trading draft picks to Mike Brown or Daniel Snyder has ever come back to haunt anyone

4) Despite everyone in town's fervent hopes, Deion Brown really is that horrible

3) Solves the huge problem of Ocho not having enough access to microphones

2) Wanted to win the 2008 Super Bowl

1) As the following play shows, after "Spygate", the team lost the ability to review current video tape