Top 10 reasons why the Cubs launched a mascot

Do Not Look Straight Into Clark's Sad, Sad Eyes

10) Decided that drunkenness and losing while getting exposure to sun poisoning and the Hantavirus needed more family zazz

9) Since they can't have young and friendly ball players, might as well get the next best thing

8) Decades of abject Phanatic lust

7) Wearing the mascot head is the only threat that Starlin Castro seems to still respond to

6) Want to ensure that somehow in the stands at a Cubs game has, in the immortal words of Lee Elia, a bleeping job

5) Unofficial mascot of Bill Murray kept confusing the kids and getting them drunk

4) Biggest test yet of Billy Corgan's fanhood

3) The debate of why Clark the Cub is wearing sneakers (not cleats) without pants will totally distract the fan base from a starting lineup that won't combine to hit 100 home runs in 2014

2) One more way to discombobulate Edwin Jackson, who already spends his days trying to find his belongings

1) It might make them enough money to be worthwhile, and as this is the Cubs, that amount would be any money at all