Heel It Up

So there was a minor kerfluffle -- and with that use of that word, I now take the league in all of Blogfrica for its use, a win that will go my tombstone -- about Brad Lidge's fluffery of the Nationals' talent this week. Philly Fan who said that they would always buy the man's drinks for his perfect 2008 championship year now are starting to wonder if they need to spring for top shelf, or if it's OK to spit in it on the way to the table. All because the man didn't miss the bait in a hook question, or want to hear it from his new fan base over how he's not loyal to the colors.

It is, of course, pointles to discuss such things: athletes should be seen and not heard, and the fact that kerfluffles like this exist gets us right back to that soap opera over ball problem that is slowly ruining sports and, well, America. (No, seriously. But that's a whole 'nother diatribe.)

Rather, I want to encourage -- nay, beg -- the next athlete who gets the softball question over what things are like for them now that they are soaking in the local wonderfulness to shoot over the top. Basically, I'm looking for such a slagging of their old haunts as to make everyone, even the dimmest bulb sports reporter (which is to say, a man who has not gotten out of print media by 2012, mostly because he's far too interested in eating "free" food and dressing like a homeless man), realize that they are getting played. So say the following:

> The quality of sunlight is entirely different here, unlike your old town, where God Himself has poisoned the light with his disapproval

> The fact that all of the women in your new area possess superior skin, hair, eyes, teeth and cartilage to the old town

> How franchise fast food just tastes better now, because the workers here possess that championship spirit

> Your utter relief in finding yourself in a city devoid of your old town's accent, which was so thick and dispiriting that you worried about your children's educational development

> That you would never, ever, consider going back to that old hellmouth town, to the point where you are going to refund the portion of your salary that's used for road games in your old city, and take unpaid leave

And, well, so on. Don't let yourself be limited by taste, reality, or decorum. Basically, let these American Heroes be your guide. "That's also not a hair question." Yes, indeed.