NFL Week 5: You Crap The Bed!

This week on You Crap, we're brought to you by Just Coffee.CoOp, the fair trade java pushers that delivers hot squats. With Just Coffee, you can feel virtuous about your caffeine addiction, all while giving a certain urgency to the proceedings. The goal of the game is to let you try to out-think people who are actually paid to make NFL decisions. Remember, all of these scenarios are taken from actual game time decisions, made by actual NFL players and coaches. Now, let's all play... You Crap The Bed!

1) You are Raiders coach Tom Cable. Accepting the fact that you have half the intellect of an ordinary person for taking the job in the first place, you are still left with the following choices in your preparations for the season. You can:

a) Keep the only NFL caliber backup quarterback on the 2009 roster around by continuing to employ Jeff Garcia

b) Create ways to get the ball to your very fast but not very experienced WRs, possibly through end arounds and other actual moments of offensive originality

c) If Garcia is just too ornery to keep around, sign a free agent QB that could conceivably give you a chance to win, or maybe someone that has experienced moments of NFL success (AJ Feeley, JP Losman, Tim Rattay, Brooks Bollinger, A Detmer To Be Determined)

d) Hire a well-regarded and innovative quarterbacks coach, rather than some career hack like, say, former Pitt and USC washout Paul Hackett

e) Put all your eggs in the basket of the Ryan Leaf-esque JaMarcus Russell, and ignore the fact that he's been fined for being fat, lazy, and wildly inaccurate

If you chose (e), then compound the error by assaulting ex-coaches and not making any changes while your all-in quarterback mans the helm for the first team since 1960 (!) to have four straight games of less than 200 yards of offense... you crap the bed!

But luckily, you're doing it in Oakland, where Al Davis is probably convinced that this is a power move. I'd like to also say that you've won the hatred of Raider Fan, but after the last decade, there are no Raider fans let. The team does attract a good number of people who like to hurt themselves while dressing up in costume, but this is different from actual fans.

2) You are 49er cornerback Dre Bly. It's 35-10 Atlanta, with the road team driving for yet another score, when you jump a route and make a clean interception. There are 70 yards between you and the end zone, and no opposing players in front of you. Do you:

a) Run as fast as you possibly can

b) Run even faster than that, really

c) Take professional pride in the fact that no one on the field can be allowed to catch you in a situation like this

d) No, seriously, run like the hounds of hell are on your ankles, because your team desperately needs to score to get back in this game, and you will never live it down with your teammates if you don't cash in this chance

e) Start to celebrate 60 yards away from the end zone, despite being down 25 freaking points, while waving the football around like a loaf of bread, because no one on the Falcons can possibly be fast enough to catch you, and unless you make SportsCenter with this play with your innovative celebration techniques, you will never, ever forgive yourself

If you chose (e) while getting caught by WR Roddy White from behind, then fumbling and losing the ball to give the Falcons a fresh set of downs and eventually three points, leading to a nationwide Fox audience listening to Darryl Johnston and Tony Siragusa ream you out for your utter, complete and hopeless lack of professionalism... you crap the bed!

But on the bright side, Leon Lett's was much worse, in a bigger game, and it's not like people remember plays like this forever and ever. Just ask Leon!

3) You are Texans coach Gary Kubiak. A few weeks ago, your choice for a goal-line back, Professional Failure Chris Brown, failed and fumbled in a goal line chance against Jacksonville. Down a touchdown to the Cardinals with under 90 seconds left, you have a first and goal on the Arizona six. On first down, you give the ball to your best player not named Andre Johnson, running back Steve Slaton. Slaton, by the way, gained ten pounds of muscle in the offseason to be better near the goal line, and wasn't exactly hopeless at it last year. He gets the ball to the 1 on a middle screen, giving you second and goal.

In the next three plays, you choose to:

a) Give Slaton another shot at it, maybe on the edge, or even in the middle, since he is your star running back

b) Go five wide and try Slaton, or even reasonably athletic QB Matt Schaub, on a draw

c) Throw the ball to tight end Owen Daniels, who is your best interior receiver

d) Give Johnson a shot, with maybe a fade route or even just a freaking end around, because he's your best offensive player

e) Give Brown two of three plays right in the middle of the line, sandwiching a throw to the back-up tight end

If you chose (e), hopefully while congratulating yourself because what are the odds in losing a game in the exact same way that you lost just a few weeks ago... You Crap The Bed!

And you've won the undying hatred of every Steve Slaton owner, as well as the lack of confidence and distracting questions from Schuab, Slaton, Daniels, Johnson and every actual Texans fan over what life will be like under Next Coach. Congratulations!

Well, that's all we have time for this week. But remember, with a little fiber, determination, and poise -- or a heaping helping of Just Coffee Co-Op Java -- you too can... Crap The Bed! Good night, everybody!