Top 10 reasons why Bud Selig is going to retire after 2014

Bud's Severance Package

10) Wants to give every team the opportunity to give him absolutely nothing

9) As he's going to be 80 years old, is far too young to truly appreciate baseball

8) With PEDs totally out of the game and everything fixed, nothing left for him to do

7) Wants to go out doing something decent and honorable that isn't morally corrupt, like selling cars

6) Hasn't canceled the World Series in a really long time, so the thrill is gone

5) If he stays any longer, might pass Kenesaw Mountain Landis, and just doesn't have the core racism necessary to last that long

4) Wants more time to watch inter-league and international games, since someone has to, really

3) Knows that if he stays in the game long enough, just won't be able to stop himself from putting every team in the playoffs

2) With the Pirates in the playoffs again, knows that the end of the world is coming, and must spend a stunning amount of time atoning for his sins

1) Even his sense of utter impropriety can't handle the $22 million payday any more