What the Cubs will buy with their $500 million renovation project

Picture in color and everything

Today in Chicago, the Cubs won final approval for a $500 renovation to the 99-year-old ballpark. What will the money buy?

> Nearly enough sawdust to cover the smell of vomit and pee from the bleachers

> A state of the art Jumbotron for Cubs fans to enjoy exciting MLB action, which is to say, the out of town games

> A weed wacker to finally fix that wall problem

> A retrofit of the plumbing system to bring it all the way up to 1950s code

> A down payment on the intricate series of bribes required to do anything in Chicago

> Twice the space for the current clubhouse, which is sorely needed to accommodate the throngs of media personnel covering Cub games

> Changing the lights to LEDs for those night games that are an offense against God

> Stronger nets to catch the concrete falling from the upper deck

> Big screens to ruin life for the rooftop neighbors

> Bigger lawyers for the inevitable legal fight from the rooftop neighbors

> A really nice chunk of what they still somehow owe Alfonso Soriano

> Strong wifi to give people a reason to drop by

> The single cruelest thing that Cub Fan ever gets... hope