Top 10 reasons why Jonathan Papelbon Is Against Yasiel Puig Going To The All-Star Game

This Douche For Trade

10) Doesn't see how a player who hasn't played a lot of his team's innings could possibly qualify as one of the game's best

9) Just gets madder and madder every time he has to learn some new Not American name

8) Hasn't quite gotten the idea that baseball has to cater to "fans" that pay to see the games, since he doesn't have any

7) Didn't pitch against Puig in the last series, and knows that the other Phillie pitchers are horrible, so going 7 for 16 has no impact

6) Having a historic first month for a signature franchise, and saving their season, isn't nearly as important as playing for a while and having an excellent stapler

5) It's been months since he reminded the Western world that he's a Great Big Flaming Bag Of Douche

4) Knows that, unless there's a trade, the All-Star Game is the only one that anyone might watch him in for the rest of 2013, so he feels very, very strongly about it

3) Holding out hope that discriminating against Cubans is still socially acceptable

2) Hates Don Mattingly so much that he's going to just lash out at anyone who might help him keep that managerial job

1) Hasn't gotten the memo that no one above the age of 12 gives a Jonathan Papelbon about the All-Star Game