Top 10 reasons why the Phillies signed Delmon Young

Reason #11: He Sells Newspapers!

10) Michael Bourn is a much better player, but getting him involves talking to that icky Boros guy

9) Wanted to make Ryan Howard feel fast and spry when he comes in for Young at first as a defensive replacement

8) Want to recreate that 1970s feel with Ben Revere as Garry Maddux and Young as Greg Luzinksi

7) Taking a big dump on Domenic Brown is something of a tradition now

6) Want a more proven mediocrity than Darin Ruf

5) Gives them a Double Young lineup with Micheal at third, which makes for all kinds of Orwellian fun for the PR staff

4) With inter-league games happening all year, team really felt that they needed a guy with a lot of experience at not being a very good DH

3) He was the MVP of the ALCS against the Yankees, which is as meaningful of a sample size as this team really wants to deal with any more

2) A team that draws 3 to 4 million fans a year to an expensive new ballpark, with massive local television revenues in the largest single-team market in the MLB, really does need to economize on starting outfielders

1) His past history of off-the-court trouble and conviction of anti-Semitic hate crimes really won't be a problem here, because the media never brings up past sins, there are very few Jews in the area, and no one has the Internet