Sunday, September 19, 2010

NFL Wek Two: You Crap The Bed!

It's time for the NFL game show that brings the visible corn -- You Crap The Bed! You all know how the game works. We give you, the couchbound watcher of the nation's most popular sport who is in no way paid to make NFL decision, the opportunity to out-think the men on the field. And this week, we're brought to you by Worm Doctor, the organic and homeopathic way to keep your intestines clear or parasites, and They Might Be Giants with "Doctor Worm." Nothing quite says rock and roll as trombone, accordion, and nerd glasses. Introduce the choreography!

1) You are Lions coach Jim Schwartz. With less than 12 minutes left in the fourth quarter, you are down 11 points to the visiting Eagles. On third and 1, you run rookie speedback Jahvid Best into the line for a loss, setting up a 4th and 1 from the Eagles 29. Do you:

a) Send trusted veteran kicker Jason Hanson out for a 46-yard attempt, knowing that with the game being indoors, there is a very reasonable expectation of him to make it, and cut the game to a one-possession affair

b) Go for it and run Best, but bounce it to the outside, seeing how that's not where the Eagles are putting the majority of their defenders, and it's not as if Best lacks speed

c) Go for it and roll out QB Shaun Hill, who is better on the move, and give him the option to throw to TE Brandon Petitgrew or WR Calvin Johnson, who have physical mismatches against smaller Eagles defenders

d) Play-action pass with a run fake to Best, since the defense has to sell out to stop the run in short yardage, and you'd have any number of options to pick up the yard

e) Run the exact same play in the exact same spot, because that always works, since there is no way that the Eagles could possibly expect you to be that stubborn or stupid. Besides, even if it fails, you can bw sure to use the failure to show that your players are just not masculine enough, rather than simply being unable to overcome basic laws of physics and mathematics. And this game's lost anyway, so who cares about a measly little field gold?

If you choose (e)... congratulations! You've crapped the bed! And you've won a massive stuff at the line by the Eagles defense, missed points that your team turns out to desperately need, and a thoroughly avoidable home season opening loss that shows the world that while the talent level in Detroit may be up, the management and results remain the same. Well done!

2) You are Texans coah Gary Kubiak. In overtime in Washington after a furious comeback, you have a 4th and four from the Redskins 34. Do you:

a) Send field goal kicker Neil Rackers out to try a 51-yarder, since he had a career high of 55 yards, won the job in a good camp battle with Last Original Texan Kris Brown, and this could give him a chance at a real confidence building win

b) Go for it and have QB Matt Schaub, on his way to throwing for nearly 500 yards on the day, find all-world WR Andre Johnson, who he just hit on the last drive for a game-tying 34-yard touchdown

c) Go for it and get the ball to breakout RB Arian Foster, who had 230 all-purpose yards last week and 138 today, and trust him to move the sticks

d) Try some gadgetry of some kind, because it's not as if your club is lacking for dangerous skill options with Johnson, Foster, WR Jacoby Jones, third-down RB Steve Slaton and others

e) Punt it away, because a defense that has given up 390 total yards on the day to QB Donovan McNabb with an 80% completion percentage is sure to get you the ball right back with no problems whatsoever, and everyone watching will know that you have a sound and conservative football mind

If you've chosen (e)... congratulationis! You've crapped the bed! And you've won a punt that got you 14 net yards, a defense that gives up 15 yards on a sack with a late hit to McNabb, and a resulting drive that further enforces the idea that you are a caretaker .500 coach who will always prevent your organization from taking the next step to the next level, mostly because you have Mouse Testes.

But proving that God occasionally rewards drunks, babies and foos... we have a new contestant!

3) You are Redskins coach Mike Shanahan. After the first four plays of the drive following Kubiak's sheet spoilage, you've moved the ball 43 yards to the Texan 37, aided by a roughing the passer penalty and throws to Santana Moss and Chris Cooley. In the next three plays, do you:

a) Mix in a draw, since the Texans are in no way expecting a run at this time and distance

b) Keep up the tempo, because the Texan defense, with the exception of stud DT Mario Williams, looks utterly gassed, and should have little morale after the Kubiak Mouse Testes display, or

c) Slow everything down and call safe short passes, because it's not as if McNabb has a career defined by accuracy issues in the short game, that you could possibly miss another long field goal, or that anyone could ever possibly blame you for changing your mindset in a classic ball-free coaching decision that almost never ends well

If you've chosen (c), congratulations! You've pulled off the extremely rare Raised Crapping Of the Bed! And you've won the inflation of Kubiak's shriveled manhood as the Texans pull off the dreaded Icing the Kicker after a made field goal, followed by a miss and game-winning drive to suck out the road win. Redskin Fan now gets to think that their 1-1 team is the same old smoke and mirrors Redskins, rather than the possible playoff team in the suddenly pedestrian NFC East. Golf clap, sir, golf clap.

... And as this week's special bonus intestional parasite:

4) You are the Cablevision and/or CBS executives in charge of determining the HD broadcast channel for today's 1pm game in central New Jersey. Do you choose:

a) Eagles-Lions, which is either the hometown market for the audience, or the biggest division rival for Giants fans, and has the first start in four years for infamous pariah QB Michael Vick

b) Bills-Packers, because the Packers are 1-0 and might be the best team in the NFC, and have a national following that doesn't completely consist of breathtakingly annoying douchebags

c) Bears-Cowboys, because every Cowboy Game Is News, Dammit, and every market must bow down to Jerruh Jones, no matter what

Actually, you know what? In a first for You Crap, I'm reversing the call, simply because their decision allowed more people across this fine nation to see the Cowboys go 0-2. This Bed Is Uncrapped!

Well folks, that's all we have time for this week. Be sure to come back next week to see exactly who has Crapped The Bed!

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