Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Top 10 Consequences of the Texas Rangers Sale

The Rangers have been up for sale for months now, with a dispute between the current ownership, led by noted pompous windbag Tom Hicks, and Monarch Alternative Capital, who are, of course, led by the noted Dr. Venture villain. (If only, if only. I'd give up my A's fandom in a heartbeat.)

The whole negotiation is very complex, but here's what you need to know.

10) Alex Rodriguez gets to add "Franchise Killer" to his list of officially sanctioned epithets

9) Ron Washington has to economize by going from coke to crack

8) Josh Hamilton and Ian Kinsler to have their health benefits cut, and their co-pay increased

7) If and when MLB takes over the team, name change to the Texas Expos

6) If all else fails, club will secede from MLB and join the Mexican League

5) Bud Selig to invoke dreaded "best interests of baseball" clause to place Neftali Feliz on the Brewers

4) Sports reporters will show much they are out of their depth in reporting on financial matters, and business reporters will show how little they understand the gilded communistic cartel that is pro sports

3) Someone will consider calling ex-owner George Bush, then slap themselves for an hour

2) Nolan Ryan to end up owning the club after a closed-door session in which the ex-pitcher enters with a baseball and leaves without it

1) The sun will rise in the east, taxes will be collected, some will be born and others will die, and The Lawyers Will Get Paid, oh yes, The Lawyers Will Get Paid

2 comments:

N. said...

What the hell are "epiteths." I think you mean epithet; less likely - epitaph. If you're going to insult A-Hol, at least do it right....

DMtShooter said...

Ah, the perils of Blogger spellcheck. And in terms of insulting A-Rod, there is no way to do it right, in that it's like pushing the ocean back with a broom...

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