The Sports Priest

(Ed. Note: FTT apologizes for not being able to find the image of the priest in "Caddyshack" getting struck by lightning. By way of apology, enjoy the Judge in mid-meltdown. Boy, no one did meltdown better than Ted Knight.)

Is your devotion as a sports fan bothering you? Many fans find themselves lost in a world of moral relativism, fantasy allegiances and declining devotion. If your soul is thirsting for redemption, talk to FTT's resident Sports Priest.

Dear SP,

I'm a lifelong Peyton Manning hater who wound up stuck with him in my fantasy draft. Now he's led me to a championship and gotten to the Super Bowl. I don't want to root for this overexposed oaf, but after putting money in my pocket, I just can't get as annoyed by the stupid pre-snap nonsense and constant ads. Help me find my hate!

Malaised in Maryland

Dear Malaised,

My child, you have allowed your Sacred Hate to be bought off with 30 pieces of silver, and sold that which was most dear to you -- your ire -- for a pittance. Congratulations. Most of us never can move that merchandise, no matter how many times we mark it down.

Look into your heart and determine why, exactly, you hate the Meat Cutter. Are the reasons pure -- did he beat your team, fail to beat the team you hate the most, or make you hate him through some other, meaningful reason? Or is your hate just the result of reading some writer or media figure, or a backlash against some other writer?

If your hate is pure, it will come back to you, and you will be richer for it. If it is not, you are better for losing it.

Dear SFC,

As a credentialed media member, I'm supposed to be covering the Super Bowl. Instead, I find myself whoring myself out to radio shows, following NBA players like a groupie, raving about Miami like a frat boy on Spring Break, and writing thousands of words about getting wood from a washed-up tennis skank. Scores of bloggers have pointed this out, but I just can't stop, and I'm worried that I'm becoming a parody of myself. How do I stop?

Bilious in South Beach

Der Bilious,

Any writer that forgets their audience, or becomes contemptuous of them, is someone who has entered into a spiral of destruction. Blame should also go to your editor and publisher, who have enabled this behavior. Consider a sabbatical.

Dear SFC,

As a Bears fan, I'm sickened by the media's coverage of my team, and our underdog status. And yet, I find myself strangely thankful for it as well, since it will mean a greater emotional payoff for me when the Bears win. Is this dishonest?

Illinois Truth

Dear Truth,

You're drinking from the cup of artificial antagonism -- the idea that just because someone has a different opinion than yours, they must be wrong, stupid, and punished. If you are right about the Bears, they will feel all of this without you pointing it out.

Of course, pointing it out is entirely the point of Sports Fandom, so indulge with a clear conscience.

Dear SFC,

I'm a political progressive who likes the Colts in the SB, but doesn't want to due to the following three factors. (1) Condi Rice has predicted a Colts win, and being on the same side as her in any issue makes me very nervous. (2) Tony Dungy has plans to speak to an anti-gay group, which makes him about as likable to me as Rush Limbaugh. (3) Indiana is a red state, while Chicago and Illinois is as blue as you can get in the Midwest. Is my Colts fandom morally justifiable?

Wavering in Washington

Dear Wavering,

Mixing politics with sports is strictly non-kosher in the Sports Confessional. The game is played between the lines, and unless these factors can be found to have an impact there, they are nothing but noise. (Although, a nice consolation should the Bears pull off the upset.)

Peace be with you!