Top 10 NFL Innovation Opportunities: Lasers, Lasers, Lasers

In my day job (I make ads), we are always trying to create new and more effective ways to separate people from their money. In this endeavor, I am constantly attempting to run tests, mostly so that the next time I have to make ads, I'll have a few more clues than the last time. It's a living.

Which leads me to wonder, well, why am I better than pro sport leagues that have more money than Powerball? (Answer: because they have more money than Powerball. But let's move on with the conceit anyway, OK?) The NFL game is not perfect. So let's make it better. With technology!

10) Instant replay phones. First things first: I hate instant replay. It emasculates the zebras, slows down the game, and makes my team's coach (the Eagles' Andy Reid) soil himself, then spin around on the ground like Curly Neal. You never really get used to this.

But if we really have to have replay, can't we at least enter the 21st century and just have the head ref call the replay booth ref with his cell phone and get the obvious call change ASAP? Because I've really, honestly, seen enough Ref Runs To Peep Show Booth to last a lifetime. If I wanted to watch old people run slowly, I'd be a fan of the Broncos defense. Besides, you aren't telling me you couldn't sell the sponsorship to this?

9) Teed off. Hey, did you know that it's windy in the Meadowlands? So windy that the ball will always blow off the tee in late season games, especially when the tee hasn't been improved in, well, forever?

All I'm looking for is a unit with a suction base that you can control with a remote. As the kicker goes into his instep, switch the suction off. Problem solved, and more time for commercials. Check, please!

8) Laser uprights. Every NFL kicker worth his weight in Zendejases can put the ball high over the uprights, leading to he said / she said moments as to whether the kick was good or not. With lasers mounted on the posts going straight up, we can stop this is in our lifetime, and maybe even have awesome disintegration moments on wayward kicks. And hey... Fricking Lasers!

7) Whip the chains. Do you believe that the two mongoloids working the chains on the sideline are really exactly ten yards apart, or that the spots they set up in don't change? You probably also believe that network talking heads actually believe what they are saying in the pre-game bray-a-thon, too. One more job for all-powerful laser technology, please.

6) Up the flag ante. If there is a flag on the play, I don't want it to dropped meekly, like a little yellow doily, making it a surprise once the play is over.

I'd also like it if more players flip out. That's just an exceptional entertainment opportunity.

So give every zebra a paintball gun, and have them blast away at offending players. That way, we can also tell when some clown of a false-starting offensive lineman is having a particularly bad day, make lots of obvious urine jokes at his expense, and eventually see Tank Johnson murder a retiree. Everyone's a winner!

5) More mics. So long as we're going down the path of having huge video screens in the field of play (oh, Jerruh, I'm going to enjoy your even less sane senior years, when you make what Al Davis did to the Raiders look like Good Management), I need loads more parabolic mics on the sidelines, so that the viewers at home can catch every crunch, grunt, and clear profanity. And yes, we are clearly hearing more of those profanities. Let's go blue!

4) Put unconscious back into eco-conscious. In the spirit of NBC's annually smugtastic ecologically friendly brownout telecasts, let's stop illuminating the entire field for night games, and just have the lights come up when motion is detected. We're sure to get (a) more fumbles on punts and kickoffs, and what's more exciting than fumbles on punts and kickoffs?, (b) more "Night Train Lane" style human bullet hits on deep balls to the wideout, and (c) fewer mouthy wideouts, since they will be living in fear of the hit they never see coming. Let's face it, folks, the league's not hurting for quality wideouts. We can lose a few without anyone noticing a difference.

3) Clock management. Watching balls snapped with 0 on the play clock and no flag drives everyone nuts, and so does the fact that the league somehow ignores the success the NBA has had with an alarm buzzer for ends of quarters and shot clocks. You mean to tell me the league can't spring for a buzzer that every meathead home fan would joyfully echo when the road team can't get a snap off? That's just good television, people. Make it happen.

2) The yellow line *is* official. Why is it that the imaginary yellow line for a first down is available to people who aren't playing the game, but not to the people who are? Shine a spotlight already, folks. Or even more fricking lasers. We'll make this game look like "Tron" yet.

1) Challenge everything. Maybe this is just my Eagles fandom again, but when a coach is throwing the challenge flag for replay, I want a little more in the way of theatrics than dropping a used sanitary napkin.

Instead, give me a good old-school "Logan's Run" red LED palm imprint, preferably hooked up to the referee's cell phone... and if the challenge goes badly, the losing coach also is subjected to a nice taser-tastic shock in his implant. By mid-season, Cap'n Andy will either be thin or won't challenge anything ever again, and either way, that's a win.

Now, give me my lasers!