Top 12 reasons why Ron Washington resigned from the Rangers

Exit, Stage Outta Here

12) Touched Adrian Beltre's head one too many times

11) After eight years, finally thought long and hard about how he was living great portions of his life in Texas while watching the Rangers

10) Given how this year went in Texas, was pretty sure he was the next person to suffer a gruesome injury

9) Unable to sleep due to constant nightmares about being sucked into gravitational wormholes generated by Prince Fielder

8) Wanted to go out as, hands down, the best manager in franchise history, which is both great and sad

7) While the team says they were going to bring him back in 2015, well, um, maybe not

6) On the advice of legal counsel advising this site on libel law, we are obligated to omit a truly masterful and cruel jibe about drug usage here

5) If you had to watch a terrible and battered team lose 3 out of every 5 games, and call on the remains of Neftali Feliz to close on most of those meager wins, you'd want to bail as well

4) Getting out of Texas before the Texans and Cowboys seasons is always wise

3) Had a mystic attachment to remaining 53 games above .500 or better for his regular season career, so there really was no option

2) It's a time-release hypnotic suggestion by Tony LaRussa, committed during the World Series evisceration he received

1) It's a personal matter, which means it's none of our business until the inevitable book deal