Top 10 reasons why the Phillies signed Marlon Byrd

Dollar Sign On The Fake Muscle

10) 36-year-old guys coming off career years with a history of PED usage are just great investments

9) Didn't want John Mayberry Jr. to worry that anyone was going to be able to take his place

8) Having corner OFs that are actually better than the guys who have that job for rival teams is just cheating

7) By GM Ruben Amaro's standards, 2 years for $16 million is cigarette money

6) Feel so bad that he didn't get to be a Phillie for his entire career, and that they wasted their time with those Victorino and Werth guys

5) When you finish 73-89, you don't need anything more than the 24th best available free agent to rocket back into the playoff picture

4) Have to make sure that they don't sign anyone better than Ryan Howard, which is getting harder and harder to do

3) Wanted to be sure that he didn't go back to New York and sway the balance of fourth-place power in the NL East

2) Amaro is, in fact, a master prankster / performance artist who is running a long-form piece on the fan base as a statement on the meaningless of life

1) Had to answer the question, "What outfielder could we get that would be most like last year's magical Delmon Young signing"