Top 12 reasons why the Phillies signed Carlos Ruiz

Also, Sadly, Our PED Use

12) Younger catchers smell like Axe body spray and fruit juice

11) Brian McCann might have cost real money and made the Braves' feel like they have enemies

10) Clearly, no aging and beloved played will ever be allowed to leave, because the front office is convinced that aging players sell tickets more than, well, winning ones

9) The back-up plan was AJ Pyrzinski, and friends don't let friends root for AJ Pyrzinski

8) Without Chooch, Roy Halladay would completely go to hell

7) By signing the 10-year organizational vet, they also grant him a limited no-trade clause, which means there's even less protection for the club

6) Lots of older guys get busted for PEDs, come back, then exceed their output, right?

5) After the Marlon Byrd signing, this looks positively astute, given that Ruiz probably actually had other clubs who wanted him

4) GM / Performance Artiste Ruben Amaro Jr. knows that Philly Fan truly hates to buy new jerseys, and respects that

3) Three years for $26 million is what Amaro spends on pool boys, gum, and his spectacular crystal meth habit

2) Without Chooch, the bullpen would completely go to hell

1) Teams that finish 73-89, 17 games out of the division and with the 3rd worst record in the league, clearly just need to bring back all of the vets to get playoff relevant again