Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Top 10 NFL Lockout Alternative TV Shows

"NFL Lockout Could Score For Alternative Programm-ers" - Media Post headline

As always, FTT is here to help, especially since the television landscape is just totally devoid of programming that really appeals to men with money who like violence and sports. There's such a crying need! Emphasis on crying.

10) Pro Tug Of War. I don't know about you, but I'm not ready to give up the idea that my municipal area isn't superior and more masculine than other municipal areas. So let's get this down to raw tests of strength (Festivusy!) between grunting man-monsters, punctuated by gruesome injuries, surprise rope releases (dirty!) and the lead chesty girls at the front of the rope falling into something gooey. Take that, Dallas! Your women have been besmirched!

9) All-Star Beef. Tired of celebrity catfights that don't devolve into honest-to-Jehovah hair pulling and face slapping? I know I am! With All-Star Beef, we can finally give these matters of import the feel of a rap battle and the menace of foxy boxing. Let's get it on!

8) Uppity Women In Cuffs. Like "Lost," "The Wire" and "Mama's Family", this series is going to reward persistent viewing with its layered storylines and involved plots, but we're confident that the core stories are going to be able to keep you coming back. And the theme song? Very catchy indeed.

7) No Game Pre-Game. Just because the NFL is gone doesn't mean that we can't get all of the NFL pre-game crews to do what they do best -- laugh at things that aren't funny, and "cover" "stories" that have very, very little do with football. And without those pesky football players to worry about, we'll have more time for fake laughing.

6) Nothin' But Nutshots. I know, I'm a dreamer, convinced that higher programming can appeal to the masses. NBN moves over from its current home on PBS, where the nutshots just didn't come frequently enough to satisfy the audience. It's swingy!

5) Celebrity Rape, Marry Or Kill. A possible star vehicle for Charlie Sheen (or his cut-rate Canadian equivalent, Dave Foley), CRMOK gives our field of regrettable men the chance to commit varying degrees of felony to willing victims. And before you give me grief for advocating violence against women, please remember that these are *girls*.

4) Frottage Challenge. The Japanese practice of getting cheap thrills by taking advantage of a crowded train gets the prime time treatment, with the judges granting points for frequency, power and release. And guys can play, too!

3) Favre TV. Just because the NFL is no more, that doesn't mean you or I can avoid the continuing under-reported life of Brett Favre. But not with Favre TV, the 24-7-365 monitoring service and torture device that's built to keep The Ol' Gunslinger well away from the gridiron. Without Favre TV, he's going to scab, so let's make it happen...

2) XFL2. Hasn't the time come to revisit the rival league from the only guy in America who still has the pockets and the complete confidence that the NFL will never, ever let him in? I say yes, yes, a million times yes. Think of the dozens of New York Hitmen fans that are still pining for the return of the league. Make it happen, Mr. McMahon!

1) NFL Stalker. Our choice for Breakout Hit of the Year, this simple reality show follows the efforts of trained killers as they attempt to knock off all of the various owners, league officials, media geishas and enablers that have brought us to lockout. Tell me you wouldn't watch Peter King running in terror for his life, or Panthers' owner Jerry Richardson begging for mercy as he hangs over a pit of red-hot coals. No, Mr. Richardson, I expect you to die!

"And when the drains finally scab over, all the vermin will drown. The accumulated filth of all their sex and murder will foam up about their waists and all the whores and politicians will look up and shout "Save us!"... and I'll whisper "no."

That's the spirit. Let's get to work here, people! These folks aren't going to kill themselves.

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