Chuck, in case you do not know your Eagles history (and, hence, do not know nearly enough about BEING A MAN), is an NFL Hall of Famer and the last great two-way player. (Screw you, Deion. Learn how to tackle.) His game-saving stop of the Packers' Jim Brown, and his basically cheating refusal to get off the man until time ran out, clinched the team's last championship in (sigh) 1960. He's also well known for nearly ending Frank Gifford's life (you can see it in the video above, and I promise you, it gets funnier every time) and for the nickname "Concrete Charlie", which only just starts to scratch the surface of his cheerfully applied violence.
Bednarik was admitted to a hospital last week after suffering a blackout and shortness of breath, and left today with a clean bill of health. Given that he's 85 and has to have damage from his decade-plus of NFL punishment, the fast release raised questions. Questions that only FTT, natually, can answer...
10) Chuck's stay in the hospital took longer than expected, due to the fact that no needle was able to penetrate his skin
9) To stay in the will, Chuck's son-in-law has to, at some point, give Cody Gifford a concussion
8) Rather than use EKG paddles, hospital attendants simply showed Bednarik the sole remaining unburned Terrell Owens' Eagles jersey
7) The hospital stay was free, because no one from the billing department wanted any part of him
6) In lieu of medication for pain, Chuck simply chewed on his favorite steel bullet
5) The shortness of breath episode was probably brought on by Bednarik continuing to insist on his traditional methods of hunting, in which he simply goes into the woods unarmed and angry
4) Family and friends were not worried, since in the event of an upcoming tragedy, they know that Chuck would insist on killing a few more Germans for old times' sake
3) Eagles' owner Jeffrey Lurie did not send flowers or a gift, because Chuck terrifies him
2) The NFL's generous pension plan and medical benefits for ex-players ensured that his Jello was fully covered
1) The man is clearly too ornery to die