NFL Week 10: You Crap The Bed

Ed. Note and Update: This was posted before the SNF game. Scroll to the bottom for perhaps the biggest Bed Crapping Ever.

In honor of Eagles coach Andy "Help, My Testicles Have Receded And I Can't Stop Kicking Field Goals" Reid, this week's episode of You Crap comes to you from Depends Adult Brand Diapers for men. If you've got a question about the use of this product, by all means, click here. (Note: The FAQ does not include answers to questions like "How do I avoid thoughts of suicide from not being able to hold my fudge?" and "God, oh God, why have you done this to me?")

We have just two contestants this week, but we're sure that you'll agree that these contestants are well and truly Crap Tas Tic. You all know how to play the game. Each week, we give you the chance to out-think people who are actually paid to make NFL decisions. Now, let's all play... You Crap The Bed!

1) You are Minnesota coach Brad Childress. You are up 3-0 in the first quarter at home against the awful Lions, despite sloppy play so far. After a missed Jason Hanson field goal, you drive to the red zone with ridiculous ease, including wide-open throws to emerging wideout Sidney Rice, and a nearly took it to the house 13-yard run by all-world RB Adrian Peterson. On first and ten, you call:

a) Peterson again, since he's the best running back in Creation, and the Lions seem actively afraid of tackling him

b) Rice on a pattern in the end zone, since the Lions are just ready for their kill shot, and the Lions secondary are treating him as if he's got H1N1

c) TE Vincente Schiancoe over the middle, since QB Brett Favre has always worked well with his TEs in the red zone

d) A bubble screen to exciting rookie WR Percy Harvin, who is quite good at making plays in space, or

e) A slow-developing gimmicky reverse of Peterson to Harvin, because when a defense is getting no push, you want to trick them

If you chose (e), preferably while licking flakes of lead paint, congratulations... You Crapped The Bed! And you've won an ugly and pointless fumble turnover from your exciting but fumble-prone skill players, life for the road team in what should be the squash game of the day, and a delay of the garbage time that this game begged for.

But since the bed wasn't crapped enough, Super Brad wants -- nay, demands! -- another turn!

2) You are still Minnesota coach Brad Childress. With your offense in cruise control with over 200 more yards than the Lions, it's 10-0 with 4:30 left in the first half. On fourth and 1 from the Lions 7, you choose to:

a) Kick the chip shot field goal, because honestly, it's hard to see how the Lions are going to score one touchdown when you dominate them at the lines like this, let alone twice

b) Run it with that Peterson fellow, who, as we have previously established, is the best RB in the NFL

c) Throw it to Rice, who has only 145 yards (!) in the first 25 freaking minutes of this game

d) Run a QB sneak with Favre, not that you really want your ancient media whore QB to take a hit, but at least if he converts, you get the fun of the full-on knob slobbing over how He's Just A Kid Out There, or

e) Try to trick the bad defense with no push AGAIN by running a quick hitter fullback dive in the middle of the line to someone named Jeff Dugan, since Dugan has only ran it 8 times in 5 years

If you chose (e) while continuing to stick forks into plugged in toasters, all the while treating the Lions like a playoff contender, rather than a putrid 1-7 team on the road, well sir... well done. You are our very first double winner on You Crap The Bed!

And you've won a de facto red zone turnover, the continuing hatred of the fantasy and gambling public, and the slow building of the case that despite world-class talent, your team can't win because the coach is an unmatched dunderhead. Well played, sir, well played... but as we shall see, not well played enough. Cap'n Andy, Come On Down!

3) You are Eagles coach Andy Reid. Down 14-0 to the Chargers on the road, you see QB Donovan McNabb heat up to lead the team to a first and goal from the one. On first down, you send Leonard Weaver into the line for no gain. Second down is the inevitable play action roll out pass that fools no one, so McNabb throws it away. Third down sees Eldra Buckley (Note: Brian Westbrook was not yet concussed, you also had Weaver and LeSean McCoy, but by all means, bring in a young special teams player) get close but not in. So on fourth down, you choose to:

a) Sneak it with McNabb, who is a 6'-4" man that should be athletic enough to move it forward six inches

b) Give the ball to Weaver, who is your best power back, and, um, a fullback and all

c) Try play action, maybe with McNabb in motion, since the man is fairly mobile

d) Throw to your larger receivers (Brent Celek or Jason Avant, both of who will have huge games today), or

e) Send out the field goal unit when you are down two touchdowns, failure puts the Chargers 99 yards away from a score, and the field goal writes it large in the California sky that you think your offensive line isn't good enough to run in any situation

If you choose (e) while slowly filling your diaper, congratulations. And that warm feeling you got was so good, you had to try it again!

4) Once more, you are Andy Reid. It's now 21-6 Chargers, with six minutes left in the third quarter. On third and one from the Chargers seven yard line, you roll out McNabb, who misfires with DeSean Jackson in the back corner of the end zone, all while the home crowd snickers from your utter lack of conviction in your offensive line or running backs. On fourth down, do you:

a) Grow a pair and/or some sort of spine and call a running play, seeing how the play calls in this game are going to wind up as five passes for every run, and the Chargers will probably be too surprised to defend it

b) Run a play from that all-powerful Wildcat that hasn't worked all year, but was going to be so important with the supremely exciting Michael Vick on the roster

c) Throw it to Avant, for the love of God, he's having the game of his life with 155 yards, he's your biggest WR with the best hands, he's like a freaking TE on the edge, I'm begging you

d) Throw it to Celek, for the love of all that's holy, he's your breakout TE, McNabb throws lasers at him that he catches more often than not, you just can't take another freaking field goal here, or

e) Kick another field goal, all while assuring yourself that Norv Turner still has 21 more minutes of game time to figure out how to blow the game bigger than you have

And if you chose (e) yet again, your double-crap double wide puts you in exalted You Crap The Bed territory, really. Should we just rename the show after Captain Andy? Let us know in the comments.

Well, I'm afraid that's all we have time for this week. But remember, with a little fiber, determination and inspiration -- or the security in knowing that even if you do have a little accident, Depends Brand Adult Diapers will keep your pants secure, just like Andy Reid -- you too can... Crap The Bed! Good night, everybody!

Update -- Well, folks, we hated to have to come back to the studio and fire up the cameras for a fifth bed crapping. We've lost the studio audience, and all of the production people are aghast. But when you Crap The Bed in the biggest regular season game of the year, in front of a national television audience... well, let's play the game, shall we?

5) You are New England coach Bill Belichick. You have 4thn and 2 from your own 28 yard line, and a 34-28 lead over the unbeaten smoke and mirrors Colts. With 2:05 left, do you:

a) Punt the goddamned ball. You'll make Peyton Manning go at least 70 to 80 yards with two minutes left, and while he's done that plenty, it's not like it's a lead pipe cinch. Besides, your defense has multiple picks, and you can't possibly risk giving Manning a short field there.

b) No, seriously, punt the ball. Your running game hasn't salted this one away, and while Tom Brady has been hot, you can't be certain that the offensive line is going to give you enough time.

c) Wait a minute, you really are thinking of not punting the goddamned ball? You do realize that if this screws up, you'll be a nationwide laughingstock, and every non-Masshole on the planet will be giving you the Nelson Muntz?

d) Oh my sainted aunt, you really are going to go for it. Why not just go spit in the face of your defensive team before you do this? Because there's really no bigger way to say that you have absolutely no faith in your defense than to say that they can't prevent a touchdown drive of 70 yards in the last two minutes. If this goes badly for you, you more or less blow off home field in the playoffs. Hell, maybe you even spiral down the stretch, since the team now has to worry about you not having their back.

e) Go for it, and run a 2.5 yard out to third-down back Kevin Faulk, not Wes Welker, not Randy Moss, because there's no earthly way that this could fail. I mean, after all, you are Bill Belichick! Everything you do is perfect!

If you choose (e), watch Faulk juggle the ball and lose the all-important yard as he goes to ground, and compound the error by not having a timeout to challenge a possible spot of the ball that could have given the refs a chance to bail your unbelievably arrogant ass out... CONGRATULATIONS, Bill Belichick, You Have Utterly And Completely Crapped The Bed!

And you've won a national consensus that you've lost your fool mind, a possible back-door hope to the rest of the AFC East that maybe the division isn't out of reach, most reasonable chance that you could get a top 2 seed and a first round bye, and some epically stained sheets. You can now spend, potentially, the rest of the season in a Lady MacBeth like manner, trying to scrub this stain out, and it's not coming. Alas, poor Cheater, We Mock You Well; this (almost) makes me forget Reid's afternoon in San Diego. You, Sir, have redefined Bed Crapping In Our Time.

And with that, good night, and good infamy. Once again, congratulations, Bill Belichick!