Week 9 of You Crap The Bed: Old Time Decision Making

Our apologies for the lateness of the show this week, as negotiations with this week's sponsor didn't firm up until very late in the process. We're thrilled to have the classic account of Fletcher's Castoria "Bad Mommy" Laxative on board, especially in a bye week where so many regular You Crap contestants were softening up on the schedule on their home thrones in a bye week. Plus, it's the stool softener of choice for Contestant #3, who sprinkles it on his Kellogg's All Bran Laxative Flakes at the crack of sunset every day. But enough of our groaning -- let's play the game!

You all know how it works. Each week, we give you the chance to out-think people who are actually paid to make NFL decisions. Now, let's all play... You Crap The Bed!

1) You are New York Jets coach Rex Ryan. The score is 17-13 Dolphins with 3:30 left to go in the third quarter at home. Your defense has crunched the Dolphins all game, and it's a must win game in the division, especially since you gagged up a winnable game in South Florida less than a month ago.

Miami is ahead thanks to a Ted Ginn Jr. kickoff return and a defensive touchdown from Jason Taylor; otherwise, your defense has been damn near immaculate. Let's repeat that for emphasis: Miami has not moved the ball. At all. Wildcat, schmildcat. They've been terrible. Awful. You Crap Stinky.

With Matt Sanchez scoring on his signature move (a QB draw where he almost gets killed and/or fumbles), the lead has been cut to 4. On the ensuing kickoff (has anyone ever noticed how only kickoffs are ensuing?), do you tell kicker Jay Feely to:

a) Squib it on the ground, to keep it the hell away from Ginn and give yourself the mild chance of a special teams turnover that could help you take the lead

b) Pooch it high and short to, once again, make sure that the only actual Dolphins offensive weapon can't hurt you, and to give you the chance for a special teams turnover

c) At least directionally kick it towards a sideline against Ginn, so that your coverage teams can focus on one area, knowing that the worst thing that could happen is the ball going out of bounds, and the Dolphins starting at the 40 on a day where, once again, their offense has done nothing

d) Onside kick it, because you are a Ryan, dammit, and there's no way the Dolphins could be expecting that -- and even if it doesn't work, your team will still be amped up and highly likely to hold the Dolphins to a field goal or less, keeping at a one possession game, or

e) Kick it right down the center of the field, because it's not as if Ginn is in the NFL just for his return skills, or that there's any chance that what happened five minutes ago could happen again, because you want to show that SOB that you're not afraid, dammit

If you chose (e), preferably while giving yourself a stiffy from the fact that Feely made a hard tackle on Ginn earlier in the game and would clearly have another chance to do so on this one, congratulations! You Crapped The Bed!

And you've won a devastating and inexplicable loss that all but ends your chances at a divisional title, and will probably come back to destroy any shot you've got at a wild card berth, too. You've also won the increasing doubt from perpetually bent Jets Fan over how your game-day management decisions will surely eradicate any advantages you may have from talent evaluation. Just like Daddy!

2) You are New Orleans RB Mike Bell. With 1:31 left in the game and the Saints up by 11 on a 3rd and 10 from the Atlanta 46, you hear your number called for a run to the right. Do you:

a) Talk QB Drew Brees into just taking a knee, because honestly, with this lead and in this situation, your only real enemy is the clock, and a punt helps loads

b) Run soft and go to ground fast, to make sure there's little if any chance of a turnover that could prolong the game, or the clock doing anything but running

c) Run hard to protect your own stats and the coaching staff's opinion of you, but with both hands on the ball as if you were expecting all 11 Falcons to do nothing but go for the strip

d) Pretend to trip in the backfield to get the same effect as a kneeldown, or

e) Run into the line with just one hand on the ball and fight for extra yards, because God respects running backs that do that, and never let them fumble

If you chose (e) while looking up at your Pierre Thomas Fathead, knowing that he's so going to have a bigger share of the carries for the rest o the season because you are dumber than a box of rocks, congratulations! You Crapped The Bed!

And you've won the everlasting hatred of the gambling public that had the Saints +10, a week of emails from Saints films that will make you intimately aware of your similarity to Joe "Miracle of the Meadowlands" Pisarcik, and the strong reminder that you came from Denver, home of geniuses like Tatum Bell. Well played!

3) You are Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis. Your team has been one of the worst in professional football for the last decade, and your choices for coach have been ridiculed from coast to coast. Your latest failure, head coach Tom Cable, has been accused of a history of violence against women. Do you:

a) Refuse to comment until you have conducted an internal investigation, and play the Bush Administration card of stonewalling the press until you can get things more in order from a PR perspective

b) Answer the allegations with a show of support for Cable to show possible future hires that you don't just throw people under the bus, but that you also aren't tone-deaf to the reality of running a public business in 2009 America

c) Dismiss Cable immediately and hire some wunderkind coach that doesn't know any better than to take the job, knowing that this is the only way you've had success in this century (i.e., Jon Gruden)

d) Back a truck of money up to hire some name brand NFL coach (perhaps one of the men currently working in the UFL, or in a broadcast booth) and lie through your three remaining teeth that they'll have complete control over personnel, since you've shown yourself to be completely and utterly incompetent at this task for a very, very long time

e) Answer the allegations with a shoot the messenger attack on the press as being nothing but Dirty Stinking Anti Raider Liars, because we all know that the media never takes the bait in a pissing contest, and there's clearly no one with any skeletons in the closet who is still in your employ

If you've answered (e), preferably while drinking the blood of a young migrant boy to remain alive... congratulations! You Crapped The Bed!

And you've won the increasing admiration of the 46 Raider fans who are still in the bunker with you (Hi, everybody! Remember, crimes against humanity will still be prosecuted after Al's gone!), and the increasing likelihood that NFL commissioner Roger Goodell will have your medications switched to exact a mercy killing. Remember, Al, step *into* the darkness. The darkness is your friend.

Well, I'm afraid that's all we have time for this week. But remember, with a little fiber, determination, excellence and execution -- or a heaping helping of Fletcher's Castoria "Bad Mommy" Laxative -- you too can... Crap The Bed! Good night, everybody!