Twelve Steps To Adam The Anonymous

As an Eagles fan, it's hard for me to write this piece, but dammit, a professional career is at stake here, people. We can't just leave that up to the PR machinations of an "elite" franchise and constant Off-Season Super Bowl Contender that hasn't won a playoff game in this century.

So here, on the off chance that there's someone with literacy in the Troubled Cornerback's (TM) camp that sees this, is a simple but tested plan to get Mr. Adam "Pac-Man" Jones back on the field, on commercials, and into the hearts of everyone but sports bloggers and Cowboy haters.

You know, that 2% of the country that buys that "America's Team" crap.

Step One -- Arrange A Move To A Team With Pull

Congratulations, Mr. Jones, on already achieving this one. Your move to the Cowboys, and away from the Titans, is going to pay big dividends now and in the future. Why? Because personal transformations are always better achieved with organizations that have higher national profiles. Just ask Nate Newton, Hollywood Henderson, Ryan Leaf and many other noteworthy Wearers of the Star. Later on, you'll be able to imply that all of your personal demons were caused by the Titan organization, but save that for later.

Step Two -- Accept Jebus

Sure, your prison friends (I'm assuming you have some) might have spoken to you about the wonders of Allah, Avenging Jesus, or Hippie Jesus, but you're waging a PR battle here. You need something safe, with no possibility of a Reverend Wright-esque blowback.

The simple test is that if the man (and yes, it has to be a man) in the pulpit has anything interesting to say, you're in the wrong place. Just be sure to be filmed attending the services and looking at the ground as he talks up into your ear, and you should be good to go. If you can get on film while fake-singing to the hymns, that's even better, but beware... falling asleep during the service might be good enough for most of the parishioners, but the paparazzi are holding you to a higher standard.

This is a very important step, because in the history of American sports, no one has ever pulled off a public transformation by relying on Fringe Jesus, Secular Humanism, Buddhism, Hinduism. the Kaballah or anything else that isn't part of the American mainstream. (Yes, Muhammad Ali converted to Islam and became beloved, but that was mostly because his brains got slowly turned to pudding. eliminating any threat of controversial speech. Besides, that was Pre 9/11.)

Step Three - Rehab Mountain

As any number of female celebs that you could probably snap like a twig prove, there's never any harm in taking in a luxury spa weekend that doubles as a "rehabilitation center." The trick here is to look like you aren't enjoying it, and to talk about it later as if you've just volunteered for Marine Corps Boot Camp (even though you'll probably spent the weekend getting fellated by a rebounding nymph). Just remember the words of the late great Warren Zevon:

It's tough to be somebody
It's hard to keep from falling apart
Here on Rehab Mountain
We all learn these things by heart

The key point to this is to only go once. Repeat visits make a mockery of your Personal Transformation. And we can't be having that.

Step Four - Body Makeover

No gold in the teeth. No tattoos on the body. No clothing that shows an iota of individuality or menace. If you'd like to indulge in something with a little flair, perhaps an old-school fedora, or maybe a single suit jacket with slightly wide lapels, perhaps in a color that isn't black.

Now you are kicking it (Very) Old School! If you can top it off with some plaid shorts that you can pull up to the armpits, and a snarl or two about kids showing their underwear tops, we're totally in business.

Step Five -- Embrace Your Birth Name

"Pac Man", it's time to speak of Adam. You remember Adam, right? That was the name that someone put on a birth certificate, before time and life and people who aren't living a bloated suburban existence mattered in your life. Your nickname, despite the fact that it will always remind most people of an innocent if incessant waka-waka-waka video game soundtrack, isn't helping. Many people, I'm sure, think it has to refer to something gang or drug related.

Now, Adam Jones? That's a lovely name. Biblical. Strong. Anonymous. Damn near impossible to misspell. Heck, it even works for Mormons and the Amish. Embrace it, and in your own mind, tell yourself that it means your medieval and badass, and that women don't mean nothing to you, since they took you out of Paradise after stealing your bone. Just don't say that last part out loud.

Step Six -- Fake Some Humility

When you get to training camp, insist on a high number. When you speak to the media, talk about how you'd just be happy to make the team, such is the talent on this roster. Play on special teams in the third and fourth quarter of preseason games, and not just as a punt returner. Volunteer, If Coach Wants You To, for slot receiver duty. You're just here to help the team!

Also, avoid any kind of celebration, save for a brief but ostentatious display of your non-threatening religion. (And don't worry, you won't have to do any of this once the real games start, including the celebration embargo.)

Step Seven -- Debauch In Private

Your past problem, Adam, is that you dared to enjoy your wealth and fame in public. That's just not how it's done. Look at Jerry Jones, your new owner, and his freakishly stretched, plastic surgery enhanced face. Do you think he does that for his own benefit? Absolutely not. He's staying in fighting trim for those legions -- yes, legions -- of pre-pubescent Third World boys that perform remarkably degrading acts at his private mansion. We're talking stuff that would make a television preacher blanche, but do you see him getting suspended from the league for it? No sir. Because it's all kept private.

Adam, no one is expecting you to actually lead a virtuous life -- if they were, you wouldn't be in the NFL, let alone on the Cowboys. But with great money comes great expectations. Find a way to keep your atrocities private, and by all means, stay out of any strip club that lets in people who don't make millions. It'll pay off in the end. (Many, many, many ends.)

Step Eight -- Participate In Your Own Mockery

Once you've completed the first four steps, it's time to show the world that you can laugh at yourself, and that you know you were a knucklehead, too. Have your people call The World Wide Lemur and see if you can have Kenny Mayne come over and goof off with you. I bet he's got any number of umbrella related gags -- where does he get his ideas! -- that he'd like to work out with you.

Next, go on whatever damn sports show that Fox is currently spewing out, and fake laugh your way through whatever anyone on the panel says about you. The gold standard would be an appearance on a Fox animated show, but be careful -- you don't want to get edgy. When the Daily Show or Colbert Report people call you (pre-book), defer.

Remember, do not try to be funny yourself. Just let other people make gentle and stale jokes at your expense. (If your feelings get hurt, have them hurt later, off camera.)

Step Nine -- Retire From Other Interests

Wrestling and rapping might seem like a fun way for you to keep busy and make money, but you've got your whole life to not make money from these things the second that you're no longer a viable football player. For the next five to ten years of the prime of your life, before physical debilitation kicks in, you need to be a football playing robot, just like the hundreds of other players in the league, and the thousands dreaming of a bigger payday after college. There, now doesn't that make life so much simpler?

Step Ten -- Complete Any Education

Sure, you make more money than 99.9% of the audience that is watching you, and the only useful education you might want to pursue now is criminal justice or the law, so that you know what your managers and attorneys are telling you. But that's not going to really help you win the PR game. Instead, pursue some esoteric but heartwarming hobby -- like, say, carpentry, or even better yet, cooking. They'll love you on "The View" when you can not only apologize for your past whore life, but also whip up a mean souffle. Yum!

Step Eleven -- Have A Book Written For You

After you have a season of whitewash (and I do mean white wash) under your belt, it's time to Tell Your Story. Hire a respected ghost writer, come up with a catchy one-liner for the title (I suggest "Rein O'er Me: The Adam Jones Story") and make sure that all of your super-juicy hookers, blow, strippers and more blow shenanigans are told with a stern "I'm so sorry that I was doing what damn near every man my age dreams of doing" overtone.

Remember, sex (and drugs, and crime) sells. But you have to really, really, really mean it when you say that it was all very, very wrong.

Step Twelve -- Complain About Someone Younger Than You

Now that you've achieved Redemption Status, there's no better way to complete the transformation by dumping all over someone younger than you, who has also found himself on the wrong side of the law or commissioner. Start down the path of "I don't want him to go through what I did," but then go right into the hardcore judgmental fun that we've all had at your expense. You'll learn that it's not only righteous to pass judgement on other people's lives, it's also a lot of fun!